The Swoop

“I’m never going to back up. I’ll just keep driving until the road curls back to Canada. Doesn’t matter how far I go. That means South America is not out of the question.”

Brand new Fifth Wheel Owner

We send our daily prayers now. No. Not for those less fortunate than ourselves, but for a pull through campsite. For those readers out there who have never backed up a 2500 GMC, 4 wheel, 6 gear, short box, Duramax truck attached to a 24 foot Citation RV “HOUSE” with flipped axles, 42 feet in total length, you will never understand.

                       

My brother, Shenley, has demonstrated the correct backing up technique. We have searched YouTube and know that “swooping” is the correct backing up technique. We even practiced the correct technique in a vacant parking lot. It doesn’t matter, because when it’s time to back up, we are absolutely, unbelievably, embarrassingly hopeless. Here is what a typical backing up experience looks like.

Shelley and John: Amen. F@#K!!! There aren’t any pull throughs.

John: How far is it to the next campsite?

Shelley: Too far. We have to stay here.

Shelley and John: F@#K!!! There aren’t any pull throughs.

Shelley: Honey, don’t panic. Let’s drive around to see if there are any really big sites so we don’t take out branches like we did last time.

John: I am not backing up in front of a crowd. I hate being the comedy show.

Shelley: Relax. Don’t stress.

John: I hate it when you tell me not to stress.

Shelley: OK. OK. Here’s one. Remember to swoop. I’ll get out and guide you. OK, turn this way. (Hand gestures)

John: (Backs up slowly) OK?

Shelley: (More hand gestures) No. Stop.

John: What did I do wrong?

Shelley: You backed up OK, but in the wrong direction.

John: OK, I’ll go forward and try again. (Pulls forward, then backs up slowly) OK?

Repeat the above, oh, five, six, seven… twenty times. Understand that people have been arriving steadily during this time. Some just stand there and smile. Some openly laugh. (F@#KERS!!!!) and some call out advice.

John: (BACKS UP SLOWLY) OK???????

Shelley: (More hand gestures) NO! STOP!

John: WHERE ARE YOU? I CAN’T SEE YOU!!!!

Shelley: (GESTURES WITH BOTH HAND AND FINGERS, ENGLISH HOOLIGAN STYLE, INAPPROPRIATELY) CAN YOU SEE THIS???

John: WHAT? WHAT??? WHAT DID YOU SAY??

Shelley: TRY THE SWOOP!!!

John: TRY THIS!! (GESTURES WITH BOTH HAND AND FINGERS, ENGLISH HOOLIGAN STYLE, INAPPROPRIATELY)

Shelley: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

John: JESUS CHRIST SHELLEY!!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT DIRECTION YOU WANT ME TO GO IN!!!!!

Shelley: ARE YOU SWEARING AT ME??? WTF???? I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP. WHY DON’T YOU TRY IT ALL BY YOURSELF IF YOU ARE SO F@#KING CAPABLE!!!  WHAT ABOUT THAT? YOU… YOU… F@#KING A$$%^&E!!!…….  

What are you looking at???

Shelley and John