Tatiana, our Mean, Nasty, Adolescent, Uber GPS System

I was going to write about how great a job John did driving Big Sur.
I was also going to write about the elephant seals, specifically the male putting the moves on the female. 
I was finally going to share with you pictures and comments about the Hearst Castle. 
Instead, I have decided to write about our GPS system, AKA Tatiana, (Don’t ask) a mean, nasty, adolescent, uber B@$#itch.  I am convinced she is human. 
9:00  – 9:15 –  I type in “Hearst Castle.” No matter how I enter the information, the screen stays blank.
9:16 – I lose it. “Seriously?!? What is wrong with you? What is your problem? ”  
9:17 – I try San Simone, a local town near the Hearst Castle.
9:18 –  Nothing. I continue to enter San Simone in a variety of ways. Nothing. 
9:19 –  “John, what do you think is wrong with this thing? It’s almost like it is pouting because we turned it off in San Francisco. Is that it, Tatiana???? Fine, we are turning you off because we know there is only one highway to take. “B@$#itch.”
11:20 – Elephant seals on Highway #1.
12:00 – 4:00 – Hearst Castle on Highway #1.
4:01 – I decide to give Tatiana another chance. I type “Sand Dunes RV Resort”  in Pismo.
4:02 – Nothing.
4:03 – I give her the benefit of the doubt and try only the town “Pismo.”  “Mean B@$#itch.”
4:04 – Tatiana slyly attempts to take us on a ridiculous alternate route around a mountain range on a gravel road.
4:05 – I threaten to throw her out the window if she doesn’t start to cooperate. “Mean, nasty B@$#itch.”
4:06 – John advises, “Shelley, be nice!” 
4:05 – I snort at the stupidity. I argue that there is no way “she” could have heard me  because “she” is just a stupid inanimate object. I enter a campground in the vicinity of Pismo. Nothing. “ Mean, nasty, adolescent B@$#itch!”
4:06 – Tatiana directs us to a large highway. A detour 20 miles out of our way.
4:07 – I counter attack. I have John call the campsite to get directions. We turn Tatiana off. It is important to show her who’s boss! “Mean, nasty, adolescent, uber B@$#itch!”
5:30 – 7:30 – It’s been dark for almost 2 hours. We continue to drive around in circles. We take wrong roads, drive through scary parts of Pismo and end up in Guadalupe. A scary man yells at me from his truck, “Hurry the F@#$ up and F@$3^ing turn, you stupid B@#$@.” Was that a gun? I’m scared. John’s scared.
7:31 – My apology begins.
Shelley – 1
Tatiana – 1
Shelley and John

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