American Hoggers – Why they Scare the BeJesus out of me!

Dear Steve,

Sister-in-law, Shelley, brother Steve
John and I would like to thank you for inviting us to Texas. We were pretty excited until last night, when we watched the Texan Reality Show “American Hoggers”. Quite frankly, Steve, it scared us and we are having second thoughts. Maybe, after you read what I saw and heard, you’ll appreciate why. 
Love ,
Shelley and John xo

PS: I understand that you have asked our brother,Shenley to visit too. 

As he is our brother, I feel that it is only fair that I send him a copy of this letter.

Setting: Somewhere in Texas. A family of 4 (Pa, Jr., Daughter 1, Daughter 2)  are the “American Hoggers.” Pa is hard to understand, so I guessed at what he was saying. &#$%ing is used for all of the swearing.

 Pa: We’re going to go and get us some &#$%ing hogs! Got that Jr, Daughter 1 (Cute blonde) and Daughter 2 (Not as cute, but tough looking. Very.)?

Pa: Let’s Dance! (Pa climbs into a helicopter as his offspring jump on their horses loaded up with hand pistols- not rifles, bowie knives and pink hog tying ropes.) 

(Pa has the helicopter scare a whole bunch of &#$%ing hogs away from a watering hole straight into the path of his kids.)
Pa: (on walkie talkie) Watch out! Watch out! We scared a whole bunch of &#$%ing hogs straight into your path!
&#$%ing hogs: Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal! 
Son, Daughter 1, Daughter 2: We need to get off our horses! Just in time! Here they come! (Bang!) Oh no! (Bang!) Another one! (Bang!) Over there! (Bang!)
&#$%ing hogs: Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal!
Jr.: Watch out we’re surrounded! They’re coming every which way lookin’ meaner than an hornet’s nest! (Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!)
(What’s left of the &#$%ing hogs race back to the watering hole.)

Pa: (Hops down from the helicopter.) I was worried about y’all. Those &#$%ing hogs ran straight into your paths because of me. It’s OK you shot them. Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Leave them now. There’s still more &#$%ing hogs to get tonight.
(Night time at the watering hole.)
Pa: These &#$%ing hogs are down right evil. They’re meaner than an ex-wife. Y’all be careful now. But remember, no shooting. DO NOT SHOOT! Just get in there with those knives of yours and pink &#$%inghog tying ropes. Don’t forget your 10 watt flashlights! Let’s Dance!
&#$%ing hogs: (&#$%ing hogs crash through the woods) Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal!
Jr.: There’s one right there! (He dives and lands on the &#$%ing hog.) He’s a big son of a bitch! Whoa now! Looks like someone pissed in his chilli. Let’s tie him up!
Daughter 2: Watch his cutters! Watch his cutters! Kicking little bastard! Quit!
Daughter 1: Don’t let him bite you! Ok! Ok! As I am the smallest, weighing in at 90 pounds, soaking wet, let me tie him up with only my bare hands! I won’t use a gun or a knife, even though we will shoot him off camera later!
Pa: Daughter 1, you did a mighty fine job. I’m going to take this little beauty and put it on the front of the tractor where I’ll pile the rest of those &#$%ing hogs.

Daughter 2: Heard of a dog pile, but never a hog pile.
Pa, Jr., Daughter 1 and 2: Heh! Heh! Heh!
PA: Shhhh!!! Listen. 
&#$%ing Hogs: Oink! Oink! Squeal! Squeal!
(Dogs start barking again, another &#$%ing hog is hog tied, and another, and another…..)
Pa: That’s a damn good ending to the night, eh? Let’s go get us some breakfast. How ‘bout some eggs to go with those &#$%ing hog sausages? 

Shelley and John


Dear Shelley and John,
Please don’t let the show, “American Hoggers” scare you. I can assure you that here in Sugar Land, not one hog has been spotted in the city limits in the last 3 years. Please reconsider.

Your loving brother,


Dear Steve,
It’s not the hogs. 
Shelley and John xoxo


One thought on “American Hoggers – Why they Scare the BeJesus out of me!

  1. Pingback: How to Stay Happily Married Tip #2 Learn Spanish Together | Honey Did you See that?

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