How to Survive in the Desert

The other morning we decided to spend the day hiking in the desert. But first we had to prepare. My job was to sort out the food. John’s was to get the drinks ready. 

However, John felt he had to deal with more important matters first, like looking up information on what to do if  “deadly” jackasses or “killer” coyotes or “poisonous” rattle snakes attacked. 

 “So, honey, what would you do if the “deadly” jackasses attacked us?”
“Easy. Get next to you, yell and wave my arms. They are more afraid of us than we are of them.”
“Do you really believe that, John?”
“I hope we don’t have to find out…. Wait, are you winding me up? ”

“Of course not. After all safety is no accident. And if the “killer “ coyotes come after us?”

 “Don’t make fun, Shelley. I don’t have a good feeling about this. I’m just trying to be prepared. ”
“Ha! Ha! Ha!  Sorry. You’re right. Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously though.  What would you do?”
  “If you keep this up, I would let them get you.”

 “Really? That’s terrible. I would do everything in my power to save you. Everything.”

 “That is such BS Shelley! I distinctly remember skiing in France when I fell and started to slowly slip down the cliff to my certain death. And you, you did nothing because you were laughing too hard. At me.”

 “That’s so unfair. At no point were you in danger of dying. The cliff was 5 meters high, tops, and it was snowing. So, if you had fallen, you would have landed in a blanket of fresh snow. Anyway, didn’t you stick your poles in the snow and climb out?”

 “That is not the point. You didn’t help me. I would have helped you.”

“Like the time in Tokyo when you were outside the house before the earthquake stopped and I was still in bed?”

“ Jesus Christ Shelley!!! I was opening the door for you!!! ”
“OMG. Fine. OK. What if a “poisonous” rattle snake bit me? What would you do?”
“Seriously? You want me to answer that?”
“What would you do? Come on. Be honest. What would you do to help your loving, loyal wife of thirty years?”

“ I would go after that “deadly, killer, poisonous ” son of a bitch and kill it by ripping its head off. I would skin it, eat the meat raw, and hang the rattlers around my neck for a trophy. I would wrap a tourniquet above the bite and suck out all of the poison from your body even though I know that I am not supposed to. I would risk my life to save yours. There. Satisfied? Now for the love of God, can we go?”

“And if it bit me in the bum?…John?….John??!!?!”

“Then you’re on your own….honey.”

Shelley and John


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