Smith Christmas Tradition #1 Putting up The Christmas Tree
Last night, John put up our fake silk Xmas tree we bought 20 years ago in Bangkok. We hate it! It’s too tall. It’s too wide. And it sheds more needles than a real one!
But, it’s tradition.
“Which branch fits where?”
“I don’t know. You have to figure it out by matching the colours. Don’t put branches in the back or it will be too big.”
“Yes dear. #$%&! I can barely see back here. Where does the green branch go? ”
“Jesus John. I’m cooking supper!”
“Oh no. This doesn’t look good. Quick. Come and hold the top before it tips!”
“Is that the smoke alarm? I think I put the wrong burner on. Sorry. Hang on a second.”
“No. Don’t let go! Oh S@#$. G#@ D#@$ it. Look at all the @#$$%^ needles. How can a fake tree shed more than a real one? I’m amazed it has any left. This is the last year for this tree. Get me the vacuum cleaner. ”
“But I’m cooking supper. Maybe you can weigh it down with some stones from outside. While you get them, might as well grab the vacuum cleaner. ”
“Yes dear! And while I’m at it, would you like me to move the house a little to the left? For @#$$# sake. Why can’t we wait for the boys to put up the tree?”
“Tradition, John. They put up the ornaments.”
“Fine. Whatever. It’s up. But it’s not steady. Just don’t bump it.”
“Hmmmm. I just don’t know. Maybe we should take out a section and put it on the coffee table?”
“That is not going to happen. There is no @#$$ing way I am going to redo it. It looks fine. Shelley. Be reasonable. ”
“OK. OK. I’ll think about it. Lights?”
John carefully put up the lights. I carefully took them down.
“Jesus Christ Shelley. Every year I put them up, and every year you take them down. Why do you insist on me putting them up?”
“Is the heat on blast? I’need a beer. (Big gulp. Big Breath.) I’m sorry. Let’s start this again. How about we put the boys’ Xmas plates here?”
“What about here?”
“Why the @#$& not?”
“I don’t like them there.”
“You know what? I have an idea. Why don’t you tell me where to put things and I do it without saying anything?”
“Sounds good!!!! God. What is wrong with you? Why are you so stressed? This is supposed to be fun.”
Shelley and John
BTW. Everyone should have goals. Mine is to be on the Ellen Degeneres show and if that fails Chelsey Lately’s. I figure if I can prove people actually read these blogs, I’ll write Ellen a sixth time and she’ll fall all over herself to put me on her show. So, if you would like to see me dance on Ellen…
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Thanks Shelley and John