“The Smiths and Orrs, not the Kardashians take on LA” almost went according to plan.
Grauman’s Chinese Theatre – Check.
Hollywood and Beverly Hills bus tour – Check.
Sunset at Santa Monica Beach – Check.
Pictures with stars – One check, but only if you count Tom Cruise’s star on Hollywood Boulevard.
Apparently my stars were attending the “Palm Springs Film Festival.” Pretty disappointed with that. Now all I can do is imagine what the experience would have been like. I’m pretty confident I would have been totally dignified and in control.
Shelley: Hey! HEY! Pretty woman walking down the street! Ha! Ha! I mean Julia Roberts. I am such a huge fan of yours. Huge! You are wonderful. Wonderful. Just listen to me. I’m babbling. Can my husband take a picture of the two of us? Go ahead and hug me.
Julia Roberts: Thank you.
Shelley: Just one more thing. Is that really your Oscar in the second window from the left in your Beverly Hills home?
Julia: You looked into the windows of my home?
Shelley: Damn. Shouldn’t have said that. Big mis….OMG. There’s George Clooney. GEORGE!!! Over here. How about a picture? You “are” the sexiest man alive! You “are” on my list of five. Aieeeee!!!! I can’t believe I am talking to GEORGE CLOONEY!!! I am having hot flashes!! George, feel my forehead. You can feel the sweat pouring off. Go on. Do it.
George: Ah. No thanks. Is this gentleman your husband?
Shelley: We’re separated.
Shelley: Kidding. Here we go. Can you put your arm around me?
Shelley: Thanks George!……. John! Can you believe who that was?…. Nothing can top….. Holy Cow! There he is. Bradley Cooper. THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!!! I voted for you! More than once. Shhhhh don’t tell anyone! Can I get a picture with you?
Bradley: Didn’t you just say that George Clooney was the sexiest man alive?
Shelley: Did I? What was I thinking? You are the sexiest man alive. BTW loved, loved “Hangover 2.“ Weren’t those ping pong balls something, eh?
Bradley:You do realize that I was acting?
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Right. Right. Of course. Of course. I am totally against doing that with ping pong balls. Totally! John!
Shelley: Thanks so much………… Whoah! Brad. BRAD PITT!!! You are a God. “Moneyball” was amazing. You know, I actually used to coach a little myself.
Brad: No kidding.
Shelley: Well, not in the big leagues, like you. Ha! Ha! Can my husband take a picture of us?
Brad: Sure, Just hang on, Angelina is on her way.
Shelley: Ahhhhhhh. No. Just you. If you don’t mind. She kind of scares me. Ha! Ha! Hey, where are you going? What did I say? Some advice, big shot! You don’t marry the skanky ones!
Shelley: But I’m so disappointed…….Ohhhhhhh! Matt Damon. Matt!!!! OVER HERE!!! How about a picture? My son, Andrew, loves you. “I” loved you in “ The Perfect Storm.”
Matt: That wasn’t me.
Shelley: Oh Ha! Ha!… I knew that. I was just teasing. “Contraband?”
Matt: No! That’s also Mark Wahlberg.
Shelley: Thanks. God. Should have went with Ocean’s 12. Weren’t they both in that? They look so much alike……..I don’t believe it. Yesssss!!!! Hello Kitty! Courtenay! Courtenay Cox!! Grrrrrrr!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! “Cougar Town” is the best. I’ve actually been called a cougar. How about a picture with us growling and showing our claws like real cougars?
Shelley: Serious works for me too.
Courtenay: Oh. I am so sorry. There’s Jen. Give me your address and I’ll send you a signed photo of me.
Shelley: Whaaaaat??? Jen’s not a cougar. This will only take a second!……..John! She just ditched me. What a ………. Forget her…..I should have looked for Kim Cattral. She’s a real cougar and from Comox Valley. Ahhh. No one is left from my list. I guess we didn’t do too bad though. Well now. There’s someone not on my list. But, what the heck? Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay! How about a picture? Saw the tree you hit, when you were DUI, while on my tour of Beverly Hills.
Lindsay: @#$@ you!
Shelley: Too much?
John: And, we’re done.
Shelley and John
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My goal is to be on Ellen Degeneres and if that fails Chelsey Lately.