Possible World Record for Home Inspection

While “Snowbirding” in the US, my nephew, Dan agreed to check in on our townhouse. When we returned, he shared with me how his inspection routine never varied.

Marina: Dan. Go check on the townhouse.
Dan: But, it’s getting dark. 
Marina: Get your ass over to Shelley’s.
Dan: Mom! The townhouse is haunted. Even Andrew (my son) won’t stay there on his own. Can’t you guys drive me? 
Marina: You fool. Go.
Dan: I hope there’s no hobo in there. Please don’t have a hobo in there. Door’s open. Lights on. And…. No hobo. Go! Go! Go!
Dan: Mail. Done. Go. 
Dan: Forgot to sign the insurance sheet. Quickly. Find the insurance sheet. Huh??….What is that? What is that whistling sound? Ohahhhhh! Date? Today is… WHAT’S THE DATE? It’s getting louder! Put anything down. They’ll never know. Done! Go!
Dan: Hit toilet #1 on the way upstairs. Flush! Done! Go! 
Dan: Creepy whistling sound???… Gone. Good. But, Don’t take any chances. Keep your speed. Hit every second stair and… 
Dan: Flush toilet #2. Open door. Reach. Flush. Done. Go.
Dan: Andrew’s room. Aieeee!!! His curtain just moved. How did that happen? Is the window open? Doesn’t matter because I’m not going in there. Just leave it. Shut the door. Now! Done! Go!
Dan: Shelley’s room. Good. Good. Bathroom door’s open. Good. Otherwise, not going in there. Toilet #3. Flush. Done. Go.
Dan: Matt’s room. Mmmaahhhhhmaahhhh!!  I do not want to open his door. Matt’s room is the worst. I know there are ghosts in there. Hundreds. Yeaahhhhh!!! What was that? There’s something in there. Dan! Stop! You’re imagining things. This is the last room. Do this and you’re out of here. Open the door, Dan.  DO IT! NOW! YEEIIIKES!! I KNEW IT! SOMETHING’S IN THERE!  SHUT THE DOOR! DON’T LET THEM OUT!! DAN! YOU GET OUT! GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE! NOW! GO! GO! GO!

Dan: Ahhh…. It’s so black out here. Doesn’t matter because… THEY’RE GETTING CLOSER! THEY’RE GOING TO GET YOU!!! AIEEEE!!!! RUN!!! DAN!! RUNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Dan: The door. I didn’t lock the door…

Total time (including returning and locking the door):  
3 minutes.

Thanks “Possible World Champion Dan,” our 
6 foot 3, 227 pound nephew.

Shelley and John


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