Reduce wine, beer, gin and rum consumption. That’s silly.
- Ellen Degeneres finally agrees to have me as a guest on her show. I’ve just sent her my 6th e-mail explaining why I would be the perfect guest. She’ll break soon.
- Once famous from appearing on Ellen Degeneres, publish my blog. Then, broker an advance deal for my next book. Does anyone know a publisher who might be interested? Then, sell the TV rights. Then, sell the play rights. Then, sell the movie rights. Then, star in it. No. That’s taking it too far. Ha! Ha! Seriously though, who wants to act in it with me?
- Become a personal trainer. With 30 years of teaching under my belt, and the majority of those as a PE and Health teacher, this makes a lot of sense. In fact last summer I practiced my trainer skills on my next door neighbour…
0 Minutes in…
Shelley: Glad you decided to join me.
Melanie: Thanks for the invite. Where should we go?
Shelley: Why don’t you take me on your regular route. Go ahead and set the pace. That way I can evaluate your level of fitness.
Melanie: I don’t really have a regular route. I haven’t ran for over 2 years.
4 minutes in…
Melanie: Ahhhhhh! I have a really sharp pain. Right under my rib cage.
Shelley: That’s a stitch. They can be a little painful. Try to force air into it and stretch that side. OK?
Melanie: No. Not working.
8 minutes in…
Melanie: My throat. It feels really dry. It’s closing up. Is that possible?
12 minutes in…
Melanie: A steel band is squeezing the air out of my lungs.
Shelley: Your lips are a little blue.
Melanie: I probably should have brought my puffer. I’m asthmatic.
16 minutes in…
Melanie: I’m so sorry. I have to stop. I’m feeling really nauseous. Oh no. I think I’m going to throw up….
Shelley: No. No. No. Sit down here. On the curb. Try to relax. Drop your head. Breath deeply. You’ll feel better… Did you eat anything different this morning?
Melanie: I didn’t eat anything in case it would make me sick.
18 minutes in…
Melanie: I’m dizzy. I’m going to faint. But, we’re almost home. I think I can make it.
Shelley: No. No. No. Squat down and put your head between your legs. Take deep deep breaths. That’s it.
Couple walking by: Is she OK?
Shelley: She’s fine. Fine. First time working out in a while. You know what that’s like. Oh ha! Ha! There. There. Better?
Melanie: Whoooahhh… a little?
Shelley: Has this ever happened before?
Melanie: Oh yes. The Doctor says it’s because I have high blood pressure. Even with medication, I actually pass out quite frequently.
20 minutes in…
Melanie: Whew. Thanks so much. That was great. Tomorrow? Same time?
That Lottery better come through.
Shelley and John
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