How to Stay Happily Married Tip #10 When Driving to Your Nephew’s Wedding, or Anywhere in England for that Matter, Always Bring Your GPS or at Least a Map

Google Maps: Directions to Cleobury Mortimer DY14 8BS, UK  (where our nephew, Richard is to be married) from Egham, UK – 

136 miles. 
Total time: about 2 hours 36 minutes.

 

10:30

Shelley: Left side! Left side! Holy S#$%!!!! Drive on the left side!
John: Whoahhhh!! 
Shelley: What are you doing?
John: I forgot. Sorry. Sorry.  Did you see the look in that guy’s eyes? Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: I saw the whites of that guy’s eyes. Jesus. Be careful.
John: That’s what she said.
Shelley and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!
 
11:00

Shelley: Aieeeee!!!!!! Stop! Stop! Don’t turn! Car coming from the right!
John: Right. Right. Holy S@#%!!!!!!!! 
Shelley: Oh my God, John, you have to be more careful.
John: You’re right. You’re right. All right?
Shelley: I guess so. Look both ways before you pull out.
John: That’s what she said. 
Shelley and John: Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

11:30

Shelley: Holy S@#%!!!!!!!!  Left side! Left side! Jesus Christ John! Left side!
John: F@#$$!!!!!!!!  That was close. Much closer than before.
Shelley: WTF? Are you trying to kill us?
John: Of course not. But, look at it this way. That was three near misses. We should be good now. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley:
John: No?… OK.


12:00
John: What’s the junction number we take to get off the M25?
Shelley: 16.
John: And that is for the M?
Shelley: M40.
John: Right.

 

12:05
John: What’s the junction number we take to get off the M25?
Shelley: Hasn’t changed. Still M16.
John: For the M5?
Shelley: No. M40.
 
12:10
John: And the junction number we take to get off is?

Shelley: Holy S@#$!!!! I just told you 5 minutes ago.

John: I just want to make sure. If we take the wrong highway…
Shelley: Stop stressing. I’ve got the directions. It’s under control.


1:00
John: Do we take the M5 North or the M5 South?
Shelley: Hmmm. Not sure.
John: Can you please just look at the directions?
Shelley: I am. It doesn’t say. It just says take the M5.
John: What is the next town then?
Shelley: Droitwitch
John: Is it north or south?
Shelley: THIS DOESN’T SAY! THIS IS NOT A MAP! 
John: It’s coming up! North or South?
Shelley: I don’t know.
John: Quick. Tell me.
Shelley: How am I supposed to…
John: Just @#$%ing tell me!
Shelley: North! Take it. Now!
John: @#$&! I missed it…

1:30
Shelley: What’s that pinging sound?
John: @#$%! We’re low on gas. We’re going to have to turn off the motorway and find a petrol station.

2:00

John: What do the directions say?
Shelley: Ohhhhhhhhhhh…Ahhhhhhhhh…Mmmphhh….

John: Shelley, you’ve got to help.
Shelley: I can’t. I’m sick from these roads. Pull over. NOW!!!!!!!!

2:30
John: Oh my God. The gas light’s on too. We’re almost out. Where the @$%^ are we?
Shelley: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…

2:45
John: Yesss! There’s a petrol station. I’ll sort out the petrol. You get the directions.
Shelley: Ahhhhhhhhhhh…
John: Don’t mind my wife. She’s not working today. We’re a bit lost. Can you help us get to Cleobury?
Attendant: Right. Go round the round about, take the second left, over the bridge, past the bank, past the farm, and a white house, where I used to live, right at the T junction, left at the Cock and Fox Pub, through the high street and blah blah blah blah… Got that?

Shelley: Ahhhhhh….What did he say?
John: I have absolutely no idea.

 

2:30

Shelley: Holy S@#%!!!!!!!! Watch out for that lady crossing the road. 
John: (Winds down window) Sorry. Didn’t see you.
Lady: You wanker!!

3:00

Shelley: How fast are you driving?
John: 40.
Shelley: Really? Ahhhhhhh….. Slow down.
John:
Shelley: John, I can see what the guy in front of you had for breakfast.

John:
Shelley: Aieeeeeee!!! Watch out. He’s braking!!
John: What an A##$%&*!!! Did you see that? He almost caused an accident. Why do people drive like that? 
3:30
Shelley: OMG. Are we almost there? I’m so sick. 
John: You have the directions. Read them.
Shelley: I can’t look down. Besides, they don’t make sense. 
John: Just give me the name of one of the towns.
Shelley: But, it doesn’t have the names of any towns on it. Just roads and intersections. We should have bought a map or rented the GPS system. But oh no…
John: You told me that you could get us there with that.
Shelley: did not. Today was the first time I ever saw this useless piece of…

John: Maybe I can figure it out. 
Shelley: Oh. Like that will help. You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag.
John: Is that right, Captain C. Scott?
Shelley: Who?
John: Never mind. We’re here!! There’s my sister. Smile.
Sister-in-law Wendy: How was your journey?
Shelley and John: Brilliant.

Brother-in law, Brian, Sister-in-law, Wendy, and me, Shelley
3:40

Total Time: About 5 hours.
Shelley and John

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