How to Flush Your English Toilet Successfully, yet Another Embarrassing Toilet Tale

Once upon a time, there was a lovely lady named Wendy, who lived with her kind hearted husband, Brian, in a very old, beautiful thatched roof cottage in the United Kingdom. One weekend, Wendy’s handsome brother, John, and his sweet tempered wife, Shelley, came to visit. 
On the first morning Wendy announced,“We need to be on the road by 10:30 AM, sharp.”
”No problem.” replied Brian, John and Shelley.
“But first,” Shelley quickly added, “I’m just going to pop up stairs to the loo.”
Once finished, she pulled the loo handle down and did a quick check. But, much to her embarrassment, the flushing system had not worked. 
                                       Not at all!
“Oh dear!” exclaimed the horrified Shelley. “How can this be? Perhaps I didn’t hold the handle down long enough. I will try once more.”  

Again, she was not successful.

Not at all!
“Oh no!” cried the distraught, now perspiring Shelley.” Maybe I should try to pull the handle up and down as fast as I can.”

Poor, poor Shelley. Once again, she was not successful. 

Not at all! 
Shelley could hear the downstair’s clock ticking. But, how could she possibly leave with the toilet as it was? Desperately she looked around for the plunger. But, alas, there was not plunger to be found! “What am I to do?” she wailed.

 No answer came. Shelley thought and thought. “I have it!” She exclaimed. “I will fill the toilet bowl with water, then flush again. Surely all that water will make a difference.”

But, the water kept dripping through her hands. Shelley was not successful. 

Not at all!
By now, Shelley’s stress had caused her entire body to drip in sweat. She was no longer shocked, embarrassed, horrified or distraught. Shelley was angry. Very very angry. She viciously kicked the toilet, pulled up and down on the handle as hard as she could while sobbing,” You good for nothing, useless, sorry excuse for a toilet. Why don’t you work for me? You worked for John. You worked for Wendy and Brian. WHY? WHY? WHY?” With one last kick, Shelley dejectedly flung herself on the toilet seat. It was on that very toilet seat where she came up with a plan.
 John! Oh John!“
“Shelley, are you all right?” called Wendy. 
“You haven’t done anything to my bathroom, have you?” joked Brian.
Oh Ho! Ho! Ho! Don’t be silly. Everything’s fine. Just fine. John, could you please come up here for a moment?”
“It’s after 10:30. Just tell me what you want from there.” boomed John.
“Just for a second. Please.” pleaded Shelley.
When John arrived, Shelley quickly explained her dilemma. John began to laugh, “Oh Ho! Ho! Ho!”
until he caught the look in his wife’s eyes. Springing into action, he added toilet paper to the bowl and then flushed. He too was not successful.
Not at all.
“Why did you do that?” despaired Shelley. “Now there’s more to get rid of.”
“I was only trying to…”
“You must go downstairs, fill a bucket full with water and bring it back up. Don’t tell Wendy and Brian anything as I’m already soaking in embarrassment sweat.
But, when John went outside, he did share with Wendy and Brian. They roared with laughter. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” In fact, they laughed so loud, the entire English country side could hear them.
Wendy called out, “Just leave it. Brian will take care of it.”
“Oh will I, then?” laughed Brian. “Just tell me I won’t have to dig up my sewage in the garden!” 
Oh, how they laughed. “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
Despite her acute embarrassment, Shelley managed to join in the fun. “Oh Ho! Ho! Ho! That John. He is so so very funny. Don’t you find? Ho! Ho! Ho!” But, really, she did not find it funny.

Not at all. 
Despite their entreaties, Shelley refused to leave until the nasty business was finished. She flushed and flushed until finally, she did what she should have done in the very beginning. Yes, boys and girls, that. And, once she had thoroughly washed her hands, Shelley joined her family and got on with the rest of her vacation.
Sister-in-law, Wendy, husband, John, me, Shelley and Brother-in-law, Brian
But, from that day on, Shelley never ever used the upstairs loo again.

Not at all.

The end.

Shelley and John

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