My husband, John: Hey. How’re you doing?
Shelley: Mwahhhhoaahhhhh! Can you believe this? On the first night I’m in bed by 6:30? Blechhh… I’m so sea sick. Can you please clean the toilet for me? I hate throwing up in a dirty toilet.
John: Yes my little princess. Even in sickness we must maintain your standards.
Shelley: That’s right. In sickness and in health. Oahhhmuahhhwahhhhoaahhhhh!! God, I’m soooo sick.
John: What the? Did you feel that?
Shelley: I feel everything. That’s why I’m sea sick.
John: But it’s getting worse.
Shelley: It’s not. We’re fine. Why don’t you read? It will take your mind off the…
John: Oh my God! My book just slid across the bed. Did you see that? Shelley? SHELLEY?
Shelley: John leave me alone. Go find the rest of the family and scare them. Please.
John: Everyone has gone to bed. That’s why I’m back.
Shelley: Then go out on the balcony and be scared.
John: I can’t. I’m too scared. When I found out the Captain was Italian, I knew we were in trouble.
Shelley: John. Please stop. We’re fine. Why don’t you try to sleep.
John: Whoahhhh!!! It’s getting worse. This ship is going to flip over. It’s only a matter of time before we die. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! SHELLEY!!
Shelley: This boat is not going to flip over. We are not going to die. Holy Christ!! Why are you always convinced that we are always going to die wherever we go? Oh God. Can’t you let me be sick in peace? Go to sleep.
John: I can’t help it if I worry. I worry for both of us you know.
Shelley: I know and believe me I love you for it. But for now, can you please go to sleep.
John: Sleep? SLEEP? How can I go to sleep when the ship is starting to sink.
Shelley: GO. TO. SLEEP.
John: Gahhhhhh! That’s it. Shelley! Get out of bed. We are going to the life boat stations. We are getting in those life boats. It’s our only chance! Come on!
Shelley: Ahhhmuahhhwahhhhoaahhhhh!!! I’m not going. You go.
John: Jesus Christ Shelley! I am not kidding. I won’t leave you. Get up. Get up now. Here. Let me help you.
Shelley: Don’t you dare move me! I’m too sick. Besides, have you seen the size of the people on this ship. We don’t stand a chance.
John: Exactly. So, if we go now, we’re guaranteed a spot on a life boat.
Shelley: We? I believe it’s women and children first.
John: OK. Forget the lifeboats. We’ll jump into the ocean, like in “The Titanic.”
Shelley: The movie, “The Titanic?” Fine. But, if we are going to reenact that movie, don’t forget that I am not going to share my door with you.
John: You wouldn’t share your door with me? You’d let me slowly slip away and drown from hyperthermia? When I’m trying to save you from certain death and…
Shelley: Oh for F@#$’s sake!!! Here!
Now “Just Go the F@#$ to Sleep!” Please.
And that’s how we spent the first night of a five night cruise to the Bahamas. We were meant to be celebrating my parents 50th wedding anniversary.
Shelley and John