|Shelley, Sister, Shannon, Mom and Dad, Brothers, Steve and Shenley
Mom and Dad
On the fourth night of my parents’ 50th Anniversary cruise to the Bahamas, my family gathered in a private room to officially celebrate their marriage. John and I performed the following skit in their honour.
Shelley: All of you have heard how mom was hired by dad, the Controller for Ford Dealership Motors in Calgary, as a temp. You know that when mom first laid eyes on dad, she turned to the other receptionist and declared, “He’s mine.” But, I bet none of you, including mom and dad, know how mom actually put her battle plan, AKA “The Blitz.” into action. Her first strike took place at a staff function bowling party. Get it?
Mom:(” Breathless, I’ve just rushed over, slightly in a panic” voice.)
Hi. I’ve been watching you bowl from five lanes over.
Dad: (“Genuinely surprised” voice.) Me? From five lanes over? Really?
Mom: (“Whoops, maybe I should have thought this over” voice.)Yes. And I have a few tips that will improve your bowling.
Dad: (“High, incredulous, are you kidding me?” voice.) Ineed a few tips?
Mom: (“Oh what the Hell!” voice.) Yes you do.
Dad: (“High, incredulous, are you kidding me? But a higher octave” voice.) But I just bowled three strikes in a…
Mom: (“Distracted, sort of paying attention” voice.) What was that?
Dad: (“Deep, low tone do not give me advice” voice.) But I just bowled…
Mom: (“Disappointed” voice) You’re not one of those men who can’t take advice from a woman, are you?
Dad: (“I am shocked and offended that you would say that” voice.) What? No. I am always open to advice.I was just saying that…
Dad: (“… Oh! Now I get it” voice.) Let’s start again. What’s your name?
Mom: (“Pull out all of the stops full on flirty” voice.) Alex. Alex Stirton. You hired me as a temp. We have met you know.
Dad: (“Pull out all the stops, full on flirty“Elvis Presley” voice.)So we have. Alex. Hmmmm…. I’m really sorry but I don’t like the name Alex… It’s too masculine. And you are definitely not masculine. I think Val suits you better. Don’t you, Val?
Mom: (“Desperately attempting the “Your wish is my command”for the first and only time in her life” voice.) If you think Val suits me, then so do I. Val it is.
Dad: (“Full on confident and charming, because I just got my own way” voice.) How refreshing. A woman who doesn’t challenge everything I say.
Dad: (“Back to business” voice) So Val, what tips do you have in mind?
Mom: (“Attempting to disguise the ‘Christ, I have no idea I’ve never bowled before’ panic” voice.)Well, first of all, you should take three steps before you release.
Dad: (“I am humouring you” voice) Four is too many?
Mom: (“Rising in confidence, absolutely oblivious to the ‘I am humouring you,’ voice” voice. ) Absolutely. And when you release, you should aim for one of those arrows so the ball goes straight.
Dad: (“Still humouring you” voice.) So, straight is best. Don’t try to curl the ball?
Mom: (“Almost there” voice.) Never.
Dad: (“Time to wrap this up” voice.) And?
Mom: (“Going for it, even though I have no idea what the Hell the next part means” voice.) Follow through. Yes. Definitely you should follow through. Why don’t you give it a try?
Dad: (“Returning to the very very deep, thank you, but I’ll do it my way” voice.) Thank you, Val. But, before I make these changes, why don’t I try bowling a couple my old way? Just for fun?
Mom: (“Oh Shit” voice.) Sure… Of course… (More of the, “Oh Shit” voice) Oh! Look at that. Strike… Aaaaannnnnd… Another strike… (And even more of the “Oh Shit” voice) OK…
Dad: (“Be nice. She does have legs that go all the way up to… ROY!!! And you’ve got to admit, it’s pretty ballsy to approach her new boss packing advice on how to bowl when it is incredibly obvious she hasn’t bowled before tonight. I bet Shannon and Shelley will love her, and Val them, especially Shelley” voice.)Can I give you a ride home, Val?
Shelley and John: (“Celebratory” voices.) And the rest is history!