Up With Twinkies Down With Potato Salad and Fried Bologna


If I had a say, I would find a way to save the Twinkie, an American icon, and get rid of gross foods, like 

potato salad (Barf) and

 fried bologna (Double, triple barf).

I’ll admit, to the best of my knowledge, I have never eaten a Twinkie, but I have eaten my fair share of potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). And common sense dictates that a vanilla cake wrapped around icing easily trumps boiled potatoes covered in mayo and oily oversized cut up hot dogs. My opinion was formed at an early age. My mother wasn’t too big on desserts. Unfortunately, she was real big on potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). 

potato salad and fried bologna

Mom: I’m going to the living room to watch TV. When I come back, there’d better be nothing left on your plates. 

Shannon, Shelley, Shenley and Stephen
My 7 year old sister, Shannon:

6 year old Shelley, (me):

My 3 year old brother, Stephen:

My 1 year old brother,  Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shannon: I’m not eating potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). That’s because I have a plan. Stephen, you go stand guard by the door. If you see her coming, yell, “Hi mommy!” 

Stephen: I can shoot her.

Shannon: Not necessary.

Shelley, help me with these plates. We’re flushing everything down the toilet. Everyone agree?

Shelley:

Stephen:

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shannon: Suit yourself. I’ll do it myself. 

Shelley:

Stephen:

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shannon: What’s wrong with you guys? Maybe you won’t do it because you love potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). Or is it because you are chicken?? Hmmm?

Shelley: That’s not true. I hate potato salad (Barf) and fried bologna (Double, triple barf). It makes me want to throw up just looking at it.

Stephen: Me too. I can shoot her with my gun.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Shen and Steve potato salad

Shannon: Steve, probably not a good idea. Let’s go. Hurry. (flush) That’s one… (flush) That’s two… (flush) That’s three… (flush) That’s four. Done. Come on! Back to your seats! Sit down. Shhhhh!!!! Here she comes.

Mom: Finished already? Awwww, you guys, you even licked your plates clean. Thank you for eating all of your supper. And for once, without a fuss. Does any one want seconds?

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: Nooo! We mean, no thank you mommy. We’re full.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Because you did as you were told, without any drama, you get to stay up late to watch “Star Trek.” 

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen:  “Star Trek???” Yayyyyyy!!!!! Thank you mommy. We love you.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ll do them later.

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: You’ll do them later? Yayyyyyy!!!!! Thank you mommy. You’re the best.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: OK. Bedtime. When daddy gets home, I’m going to tell him how you ate all of your supper tonight.

He’s going to be so proud of you. 

Shelley, Stephen, Shannon

Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. Love you.

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: Ha! Ha! Love you too, mommy.

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Shhh..!!! Stt…!! Shhh!!! Stt…!! One of you!  God Damn it!

Shannon, Shelley, Stephen: !!!!

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: Shannon! Shelley! Get your asses down here. NOW!

Shelley and Shannon: !!!!!!!!!!!

Stephen: !

Shenley: Mwahhhhbahhhhh.

Mom: I SAID, NOW!

Shelley and Shannon: IT WAS HER IDEA!!!! 

Mom:  Next time you flush potato salad and fried bologna down the toilet, make sure you cut it up into really really small pieces. Now reach in there and get it out! All of it.

Shelley and Shannon: But there’s pooh…

Mom: Now!

I’m positive Twinkies would have dissolved into flushable goo long before my mother flushed. 


Shelley and John

PS: Based on a true story.

PPS: Thanks Freda for the Twinkie pic.

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