You are Not The Biggest Loser

Daily Prompt: Nightmares

Describe the last nightmare you remember having. What do you think it meant?

Last Monday night, John and I watched “The Biggest Loser.”

Shelley: Holy S@#$!!! Look at Francelina now. She lost almost half of my body weight despite being kicked off the show. Not once did she fall off the fitness wagon. Amazing. I wish I would have had half of her strength and determination when I was preparing for our wedding.

December 30, 1981

9 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING…

Shelley: Ohhhhhhhh!!!!!! Noooooo! I cant’ close the buttons on my wedding dress. OK. Don’t panic. You know what to do. You are a PE and Health teacher for God’s sake. 

8 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING…

Lady #1: Why is Shelley here? My leg weighs more than her entire body.

All the Ladies: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Lady #2 Oh yeah? My arm weighs more than the two of her legs put together.

All the Ladies: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Lady #3: I hearrrrrd that she can’t fit into her wedding dress.

All the Ladies: Ohhhhhhh… What a shame. My goodness. That is too bad. Poor little thing.

TOPS Rep: ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS!!!!!!

Shelley: Wow. Sharing. I hate to weigh in and run, but I have to teach Night School. 

TOPS Rep: Not a problem. Don’t forget to bring a piece of fruit or a dollar next week. “The Biggest Loser” (I kid. She did not say that. But I can’t resist.) wins it all.

7 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING…

TOPS Rep: ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS!!!!! Shelley, you are The Biggest Loser!!! Here’s your fruit and money.

Shelley: Thank you! Thank you! Thank youuuuuu! Must run to Night School. It’s my last night.

6 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING…

TOPS Rep: ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY- SEVEN POUNDS!!!!! Shelley, not only are you not The Biggest Loser!!!, you have tonight’s worst results. What are you thinking?

Shelley: I’m devastated. I’ve cut out salt, sugar, and fried food. I’ve worked out once a day, sometimes twice. Despite dizzy spells and finding myself actually eating my pencil, I never wavered. Not once. Sighhhhhh….

TOPS Rep: Lucky for you, TOPS has a little incentive to help you get back on track. Take this ceramic pig home and place it on top of your fridge.

Very close to the original pig.

Every time you open the door, you’ll be reminded of what a little piggy you are.

Shelley: You’re kidding.

TOPS Rep: Ready ladies??

TOPS Rep and All the Ladies: (Loudly. Very.)

FATTY FATTTY TWO BY FOUR!!!!!

COULDN’T GET THROUGH THE BATHROOM DOOR!!!!!!

SO SHE DID IT ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!

FATTY FATTTY TWO BY FOUR!!!!!

TOPS REP: See you next week.

John: That didn’t happen. Did it?

Shelley: Getting the pig? Definitely. The ladies singing a nursery rhyme? Debatable. Me having nightmares about the pig and the nursery rhyme? Absolutely. I’ll probably have one tonight. 

John: What happened next?

 

Shelley: I thought,

“Oh yeah? If I’m a little piggy, then I’m going to eat like a little piggy.”

So, I stopped by the “Chicken Coup” and ordered 2 pieces of deep fried chicken, french fries topped with crumbled hamburger meat, fried onions, dressing and gravy.

 

Take out the cheese, combine and you have my order.

Once I finished inhaling every last morsel, I jammed an entire Chocolate Sara Lee Frozen Chocolate Cake down the hatch.

Like this, but frozen.

I threw up for hours. Eventually, I put together a reasonable diet and fitness plan, and started to lose weight. I still had to take out my wedding dress, though. 

John: That doesn’t matter. What does matter is I thought you were the most beautiful bride in the whole wide world.

Shelley: That’s so sweet, considering a week before our wedding, you didn’t recognize me at the airport. 

John: Sigh. There are some things a man should never share. Ever. And that was definitely one of them.

 

Shelley and John.