John: And that’s how Along Came a Spider ends.
Shelley: Nice. My turn. Want me to share what happens in Fifty Shades Darker? Just so you know, unlike Fifty Shades of Grey, this book has exceptional plot and character development.
John: Oh I’m sure. Why not? We have over an hour of hiking left.
Shelley: As you know, Ana and Christian broke up at the end of Fifty Shades of Grey. Although Ana is miserable, her editing job keeps her challenged. But, her boss gets creepier and creepier. Christian offers to drive her to Jose’s art show. Ana agrees and…?
John: They get back together.
John: What the???? I did not see that coming.
Shelley: Ha! But first they have sex, sex, and more sex, followed by a fight, followed by sex, sex, and more sex. After which, they move in together, because Crazy Ass Leila, his ex Dom, is stalking them.
John: WHAT THE????? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Shelley: Oh yes. Hey. Hi. Love your shoes. They are so cute.
Female Hiker: Thanks.
Shelley: Anyway. They have another fight followed by…
John and Shelley: Sex! Sex! And more Sex!
John: Shocked! Why are they always fighting?
Shelley: His control issues. Her jealousy issues. So, Christian takes Ana to a hair salon, but they have a fight, because his Ex Dom Elena, who owns the Salon, just happens to be there!!!!
John: What a sack of S@#T!!!
Shelley: Exactly. John! That’s a Search Helicopter. I guess they haven’t found the hiker. Now that’s a shame. Why would you keep moving when you’re lost? You should stay put. Right?
John: Absolutely. Continue.
Shelley: HELLLLLOOOOOO!!!! ARE YOU THERRREEE??
John: Shelley! What are you doing?
Shelley: What if he’s lying down there, hurt, and the helicopter can’t see him? Shhhh…. I hear something.
John: That would be the rescuers.
Shelley: Why don’t you take a look with my binoculars, just in case? Remember when you gave them to me for Christmas? You said they were sooo powerful that I could look into other peoples’ windows.
John: Was I right? By the way, no one’s down there.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! I’ll never tell. So, they fight and….
John: This is like “The Song That Never Ends.” Cut out the fighting and the sex. Get to the exceptional plot and character development.
Shelley: Really? You? Fine. Christian takes Ana sailing on his ridiculously humongous sail boat and while on board they… Hey! Look down there. Those guys are carrying their bikes. Obviously they did not read their Catalina State Park Map. Are they crazy or what? I’m going to take their picture.
John: Jesus Christ Shelley! Focus!!
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Remember when Toni (my BFF) used to say that to Jin (her son)?
John: Dear God, finish. Before we meet up with those bikers.
Shelley: (Double time) Christian’s scars on his chest are cigarette burns from his Crack Ho Mother’s boyfriends. CrazyAss Leila tries to shoot Ana. Christian takes care of Crazy Ass Leila, Sub/Dom Style. Ana takes care of Creeper Jack, King Fu Style. Christian fires Creeper Jack. Christian flies his helicopter. Christian crashes his helicopter. Christian goes missing. Ana cries. Christian survives. Ana cries. Ana wants rougher sex. Ana gets rougher sex. Ex Dom Elena yells at Ana. Ana yells at Ex Dom Elena. Christian yells at Ex Dom. Elena. Christian’s mom yells at Ex Dom Elena. The dog yells at Ex Dom Elena. Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Christian proposes to Ana. Ana accepts. Creeper Jack watches. Creeper Jack plots his revenge.
What do you think?
John: Exceptional. My turn. I need to share something with you. It’s important.
John: We don’t ever need a “Red Room of Pain” because I don’t need to spank, whip, flog, handcuff or torture you. You’re safe with me.
Shelley and John