Dear Ellen DeGeneres What is Wrong With you People?

Change over. Always time for a mini arm work out.

 Shoe Tree located East of Roy’s Cafe on Route 66

Dips, AKA Whahhh -Bams! The fifth wheel snaps on these suckers!

While travelling from Palm Springs to Las Vegas… Shelley: I’m sending my seventh request to Ellen DeGeneres. Guaranteed ole Lucky Seven will get us on her show.

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Dear Ellen, Hello. It’s me again, “Honey.” As you know, over the past year, I have written to you six times requesting to be a guest on “Ellen.” SIX! And no response. NOT ONE!! As I previously stated, I love everything about your show, that is, except for those two annoying little British girls.

starcasm.net

I would rather poke my eyes out with a hot poker than watch “Tea Time.” They are soooo obnoxious. But I digress. I’ve racked my brains trying to come up with a reason why you wouldn’t want Honey to be your guest, and the only thing I can come up with is that I didn’t share enough personal information. So, with that in mind, here are “Seven Things You Don’t Know About Me.” Thing #1: I’ve actually been to Germany. In fact, I lived there for four years. While there, at no time did I try to bring a monkey into the country. Thing #2: I have travelled all over the world, gone through hundreds of Customs and Immigrations Check Points, but not once, did I rip off my shirt as I passed through the Metal Detector. Not once. Thing #3: I have never, ever raced around a gated community in my Ferrari. Ever. Thing #4: And, as God is my witness, I did not spit at or on any of my neighbours. Thing #5: I did not have anyone help me write books about myself, because I am an accomplished, gifted writer. All thesignswere there at an early age. Here is an excerpt from my yet to be published memoirs.  July 11, 1971 Today I got up. I ate breakfast. It was good. Sonja (A friend) , Shannon (My sister) and I went outside and played. We had lunch. It was good. Then, we went swimming. The water was cold. Then, we had supper. It was good. Then, we watched TV. It was good. I went to bed. I fell asleep at 10:21. Gifted. Thing #6: At no point, did I leave a crowd waiting for two hours for live music. In fact, this one time, during a band’s break, I jumped on the stage and belted out a tune or two. My set ended when a band member turned off the entire sound system. Alcohol may have been involved. Thing #7: I have not won Artist of the Year, Favourite Pop/Rock Male Artist, Favourite Pop/Rock Album, Blah, Blah, Blah…. But, am thrilled to have been nominated for the following blog awards by my blogging peers: The Best Moment Award, thanks to To Fethiye and Beyond… and

The Beautiful Blogger Award because Sweet Tea and Fried Chicken generously nominated me and….

The Versatile Blogger Award as both Patinspire  and Jo of all trades were kind enough to recognize “Honey Did you See that?” 

Ellen, the time is nigh. We are in Las Vegas, and if you want Honey on your show, we need to know ASAP, because, and these are John’s exact words, “Jesus Christ, Shelley. There’s not a chance in Hell we are turning back, once we hit Utah.”

Yours Truly,

Honey

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Dear Honey,

We are sorry to inform you that you have not been selected to be a guest on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show.” We have, however, a coffee mug with Ellen’s picture on it. If you would kindly send your mailing address, we’ll get it in the mail to you ASAP. Thank you for your interest.

The Ellen DeGeneres Team

PS: Sophia Grace and Rosie are seriously cute and funny. What’s wrong with you?

PPS: Your barely veiled references to Justin Bieber have not gone unnoticed. Stop it.

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Dear Ellen DeGeneres Team,

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you people? If I wanted a coffee mug with Ellen’s picture on it, I would have bought it. All I want is to be a guest on her show.

Honey

PS: They’re so not cute and funny. I’m cute and funny.

PPS: Justin. Justin. Justin.

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Dear Honey,

You are delusional. No one as bitter and rude as you will ever be a guest on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, never mind be in the audience.

EVER!

The Ellen DeGeneres Team

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To The Ellen DeGeneres Team,

Bitter?

After seven reguests, you’ve got that right. I’m almost up to Ben’s Bitter Blog level of bitterness. As for rude, you have obviously not read The Jiggly Bits or mancakes..the blog. Now those women are rude and lewd, and way way funnier than Ellen.

Honey

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To Honey,

Please cease all forms of contact with The Ellen Degeneres Team.

 The Ellen DeGeneres Team of Lawyers

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John: How’s it going?

Shelley: Ellen’s lawyers are now involved.

John: You’re kidding? How great is that?

Shelley: You have no idea. I’ll tell you all about it later. We’re here safe and sound.

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John and I really appreciate being nominated by To Fethiye and Beyond, Sweet Tea and Fried Chicken, Patinspire, Jo of all trades. And of course everyone who has read, liked, commented, shared, and followed “Honey,” a thousand thanks. I am going to nominate one blog per category, (I know, I know that it’s not exactly following the rules) and post each award’s guidelines below.

Best Moment Award – The Jiggly Bits

The Beautiful Blogger Award – Ben’s Bitter Blog

The Versatile Blogger Award – mancakes..the blog

Shelley and John

Best Moment Award – The Jiggly Bits

WHAT IT’S ALL BOUT:

Awarding the people who live in the moment, The noble who write and capture the best in life, The bold who reminded us what really mattered – Savoring the experience of quality time.

RULES: Winners re-post this completely with their acceptance speech. This could be written or video recorded. Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees (up to 15)! The re-post should include a NEW set of people/blogs worthy of the award; and winners notify them the great news. RESOURCES:

• What makes a good acceptance speech?
  • Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way
  • Humor. Keep us entertained and smiling
  • Inspiration. Make your story touch our lives
• Get an idea from the great acceptance speeches, compiled in MomentMatters.com/Speech
• Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

The Beautiful Blogger Award – Ben’s Bitter Blog The rules. 1. Display the award logo on your blog. 2. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you. 3. State 7 things about yourself. 4. Nominate 7-15 bloggers for this award. 5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination by linking to one of their specific posts so that they get notified by ping back.

 The Versatile Blogger Award – mancakes..the blog

•  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
•  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
•  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
•  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
•  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.