S@#T My Husband Thinks While Rock Climbing

I wrote this post last year, but have taken advantage of the the Daily Prompt to rework and add a few bits.

Daily Prompt: Do-over!

Go back to a blog post you always thought could be better, or were unsatisfied with — now, fix it.

We’ve just finished a few days of climbing at Red Rock Canyon, (10 miles west of Las Vegas) and Joshua Tree. I know what John says, while he climbs, but was curious to know what he thinks. He assured me that his thoughts rarely vary…..

 

What John says: Well done.

What John thinks: (S@#T!!! It’s my turn!)

Shelley: Thanks. Some of those bolts were at least 4 to 5 metres apart. Crazy Ass scary. 

What John thinks: (S#$%!!!!)

What John says: Really?

Shelley: But the climb, itself, a 5.7, isn’t too bad. You just have to get used to the idea that it’s sandstone and parts of it can break off.

What John thinks: (S#$%!! Maybe if I can get her to go again, we’ll run out of time and have to leave.) 

What John says: Go again, you Climbing Goddess, you.

Shelley: Ha! Don’t be silly. It’s your turn. Yeouchhhh!!! My toes are cramping. Take a picture.

What John Thinks:  (Whew! Saved. Thank you God.)

What John Says: That’s a sign. We should pack it in for the day.

Shelley: No worries. I’ll just drink more fluids…. There. All good.

What John thinks: (S#$%!!! I don’t want to do this!)

What John says: OK. But I don’t have a good feeling about this. If I say “I’m done.” I’m done. I mean it.

Shelley: Of course. Now, get up there, honey. Whoops!! Would you look at that? The carabiner’s not locked. You should be more careful with your safety check before you climb. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! 

What John thinks: ( She forgot to close and lock the carabiner??? Then laughed???? WTF??? Climbing is not a laughing matter)

What John says: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Silly me. Climbing?

Shelley: Climb on.

What John thinks: (S#$%!! I don’t want to go up there. I don’t. If Shelley struggled, I’ll struggle even more. Jesus Christ. It’s so high. At least 30 meters.) 

What John thinks: (…….. OK. I’m off the ground. Good… Good………. S#$%!!!! My knot’s undone! I’m going to slide off the end of the rope!)

What John says: My knot’s undone. 

Shelley: That’s just the tail. Tie it up. Dai jo buh desu ka?

What John thinks: (Now I have to try to speak Japanese and get up this F@$@ing cliff too?)

What John says: Dai jo buh desu.

Shelley: ……… Wow John! You flew over that first half. Looking good. 

 

What John thinks: (I’ve run out of holds. My feet are too big. There’s nothing for my hands. I am going to fall! I am going to die! Tighten. Tighten! TIGHTEN!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!! HAVE YOU GOT ME???????) 

What John says: Tighten, please.

Shelley: Got you. On your left. There’s a big jug.

What John thinks: (That is not a big jug. THAT IS NOT A BIG JUG!!!!! WHAT THAT IS… IS…  S#$%!!!!! I WANT OFF !!!!!!!) 

What John says: No. Not working. Coming down.

Shelley: V-sit.

Kid watching: What a wimp!!!

What John thinks: (WHAT…A… LITTLE….S@$T!!!!)

What John says: Hang on…..Let me try ….. S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! Pwuahhhh!  S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! Pwaahhhhssssshhhhh! Whew… Whew…..WHEW!!!!

Shelley: Yayyyyy!!!! That was incredible. You’re almost there!

Follow the blue/green  line down to Shelley, the belayer.

What John thinks: (S#$%!!!!!!!!!!! I shouldn’t have looked down. This climb, plus the 100 metres hike from the valley, makes it  ….. S@$%!!!!!! ) 

What John says: Coming down! I’m V-sitting. COMING DOWN!!!!

Shelley: But there’s only about 5 metres left. Are you sure?

What John thinks: (Am I “sure? “ I have never been more sure in my life. I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH. I DID NOT WANT TO START. JESUS CHRIST SHELLEY! I HATE HEIGHTS. FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS I HAVE HATED CLIMBING! !!!)

What John says: Of course not. I’m joking. I’m a Smith. Smiths don’t quit. I want to finish. ….MADE IT!!! I MADE ITTTT!!!!! Coming down!

Shelley: You are awesome!!!!!!!!

What John thinks: (I am awesome.)

What John says: I. AM. AWESOME!!!

For more S@#T My Husband Thinks, click here.

Shelley and John