Menopausal Morphing

My Doctor Ha! Ha!  I wish.

My Doctor. Ha! Ha! I wish.                                                (www.hollywoodreporter.com)

Doctor: How are you feeling? Any problems?

Shelley: No. All good. I’m just here to have my HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) prescription renewed.

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Doctor: You’ve been taking HRT for 5 years?

Shelley: Yes. Thank God. Better living through pharmaceuticals. Right?

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Doctor: Hmmmm….. Let me just look at my notes. Your estrogen dosage is actually quite low. And… you still have your uterus, correct?

Shelley: Last time I checked. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

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Doctor:…

Shelley: Sorry. 

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Doctor: Which is why I prescribed progesterone… Which also means it’s time for…

“THE TALK.”

Shelley: “THE TALK?”

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Doctor: Yes. “THE TALK.” As you know, for the last 5 years, your body has been going through the stages of menopause or “Menopausal Morphing.” Therefore, as a prudent doctor, I must advise you to stop taking HRT.

Shelley: (Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! He’s kidding.) 

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Doctor: I’m not kidding.

Shelley: ( Noooooooo!!!!!!!! I need HRT. Otherwise I won’t be able to sleep because I worry about everything. EVERYTHING! Like if my nails will be long enough for the wedding, or if I’ll find a back up dress in time, or if John and I will have our little speech ready for the reception or if we’ll find a mother-son song to dance to in time… And…

HOT FLASHES!!!

Jesus! I still have small ones. But without HRT I’ll be a dripping hot mess. A puddle of sweat. Oh God! I’m having one right now and I’m on the DRUGS!!! No! No! No! No! Noooo!!!)

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Doctor: I’m sorry to say that it’s also possible that you will experience a reduced sex drive.

Shelley: (Can’t wait to see the look on John’s face when I tell him that.) 

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Doctor: But if you continue to take HRT, you will increase your risk of breast cancer, blood clots, heart disease and stroke.

Shelley: (Holy Shitzu! He’s not serious. Is he?) 

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Doctor: I’m dead serious. If you agree to do this, we would slowly reduce your intake so your body adapts. It won’t even know.

Shelley: (Trust me. It will know.)

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Doctor: If you decide you can’t function without HRT, I’ll renew your prescription, but only with the understanding that you continue to exercise regularly, eat healthy, not gain weight. And of course, not take up smoking. Think about it. OK?

Shelley: (No) OK.

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Doctor: Now that we’ve had “THE TALK” let’s move on to…

Salmon fishing.

I’m going to give you a name of a lure that is guaranteed to catch one, the white bucktail fly. Now this little guy….

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Shelley and John

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20 thoughts on “Menopausal Morphing

  1. You poor thing, you need to be shot – figuratively speaking of course.
    “She who must be Obeyed aka My Piranha Fish” hasn’t taken the HRT and has seen the hot flushes (that’s what we call them here) gradually subside.

    Anything else we – still FRed(tm) and I can help with please ask.

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      • Not me Guv. The school i went to thought soccer was for p**fs so we had to play rugby,pocket billiards – well it was all boys-and chess. I was shown around the superb Chelsea ground last year but prefer Twickers, wot wot.

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      • Urm hang on a minute,what about poor John. The Male Menopause is not to be sniffed at either. Oh no, we must revolt and be heard too.

        “Yes FRed(tm) I know I’m revolting already but you need my bloody thumbs so less of your lip Boy or it’s back to the dried food. Now eat your scallops and let me press the send thingy.”

        Sorry about that, he’s mad too.

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      • Phew that’s a relief. I have a Mulsanne rather than a Porsche – they’re kinder on the ankles – and sue anyone who say’s it’s a penis extension or menopausal male thing.
        “No FRed(tm) you can’t sue someone who’s certifiably insane and talks to humOns,so you’re safe Boy.”
        As for the chasing young women thing, I’m immune to that and can’t keep up with She Who Must Be Obeyed even, and She’s nearly 6 yrs older than me. Yes, yes,yes, I’m a saint I know.

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  2. Pingback: Daily Prompt: Morphing | On My Front Porch

  3. I feel your pain honey……:0( I was on HRT for 17 years……but when the Dr. realised, she nearly passed out and took me off immediately despite me crying and clinging to her legs!!! However I actually felt so much better when I did come off it so maybe think about it? Give it a try but with the proviso that if it doesn’t work you can go back on them for a little bit longer? I would be at the Dr’s all the time if mine looked like him, yummy!!

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  4. At 53, I’m still “within range” of where my hormones are supposed to be, although I suspect they are on the low side. You were told not to gain weight, but I am already overweight. What I’ve read about that says overweight women go into menopause much later and/or at a much slower rate. Funny or weird or both?

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  5. Pingback: Is is Is | The Jittery Goat

  6. My hubby is so happy I am continuing on the hormone therapy (I am without the uterus) it has made for a happy marriage and happy fishing lol…Great story thanks for sharing.

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