Honey and Hubby Still Married after Installing Kitchen Backsplash

“Installing kitchen tiles shouldn’t take more than an hour. It’s easier than tiling floors.”



John: The grout’s not sticking.

Shelley: Maybe it’s too dry… I’ll add water…. Now try.

John: No. It’s sliding off

Shelley: Maybe apply a thinner coat?

John: That worked. Pass me the tiles. 

Shelley and John place the sheet of tiles on the wall, push hard, squish them back and forth, then stand back to check their work.


Shelley and John:…

Shelley: Let’s try again.

Shelley and John place the tiles on the wall, push hard, squish them back and forth, then stand back to check their work.


Shelley and John: What are we doing wrong?

Shelley: I don’t know. I’ve never tiled walls before. Let’s YouTube it.

John: Ahhhhh. We need to butter the tiles… There.

Shelley and John place the tiles on the wall, push hard, squish them back and forth, then stand back to check their work.



Shelley and John: $%&^!!!!!!!! 

John: Jesus Christ! This is not brain surgery.

Shelley: I think the tiles are too heavy. How about when we place the tiles on the wall, you push and hold them in place, while I squish. Go.

Shelley and John place the tiles on the wall, John pushes and holds the tiles against the wall while Shelley squishes. A couple of minutes later…

John: I’m not going to stand here pushing until they dry. That’s ridiculous.

Shelley: Let’s tape them to the wall. There.

John: Next one.

Shelley: Uh! Ohhh! You’re not going to believe this.

John: What? What’s wrong?

Shelley: I forgot to put the spacers on the bottom and the side.

Shelley and John: $%&^!!!!!!!! 

John: Shelley, I know that you’ve wanted a back splash forever, but is this worth it? We started this project over an hour ago.

Shelley: Of course it is. We can do this. Tug up on the tiles really carefully. More… More… No. I still can’t get the spacer in. Maybe if you push the tile up with the mudding knife…  That’s it… Almost… Just a little bit more… You’re almost there… Come on! COME ON!!! GET IN THERE YOU $%&^ER!!!!!!!! YES! And Yes, yes, yes, and now the sides… and done.

Yesssss!!!  HUH? Nooooo!!!

John: No?

Shelley: The weight of the marble collapses the seams. We’re going to have to install spacers throughout the entire sheet of tiles.

John: You’re $%&^ing!!!!!!!! kidding me. Just leave it. No one will notice.

Shelley: I will. Every time I walk into the kitchen.

John: Give me the knife. 

Shelley: Just a little bit higher… Can you push it up a teeny bit…

THE TILES FALL OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John:…

John: Why you… you… you…

Shelley: YOU MOTHER!

John: YOU MOTHER $%&^ER!!

Shelley: YOU Mother $%&^ER! $%&^ING!!!

John: YOU Mother $%&^ER! $%&^ING!!!  $%&^!!!!

Shelley: YOU Mother $%&^ER! $%&^ING!!!  $%&^INGLY!!!!…. $%&^!!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John:…

John: Is $%&^INGLY!!!! a word?

Shelley: It is now!

Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: Come on. One more time.

John: This is killing me.

Shelley: I know. I know. Me too. But we almost did it. Place the spacers on the ledge before we attach the tiles. There….  Now the sheet... Insert the spacers between the seams… Lift the knife a little higher so I can put the spacer in…  and… I can just about… Come on you little… Get in there…. Ha! That’s right. Who’s your Mama? Huh? Huh? I’m your Mama. That’s right. I’m your Mama. Biatch!!! 

John: Get going with the rest of the spacers, Mama. 

Shelley: Yes…. Yes… Yes…Yes…. Yes… Yes… Yes…. Yes… Yes…Yes…. Yes… Yes… And Yes…  Ta Daaaaaa!!!


John: Awesome. Get the tape.

Shelley: After we check to see if it’s level. Don’t forget the first tile is the most important… Let’s see… Not bad…. All it needs is a gentle nudge


THE Mother $%&^ER! $%&^ING!!!  $%&^INGLY!!!!…. $%&^!!!!!!!!!!! TILES FALL OFF!!!!!!!!!!

Shelley and John

Three ten hour days later, the tiles were successfully installed. Only mudding and siliconing were left to do.

PicMonkey Collage


18 thoughts on “Honey and Hubby Still Married after Installing Kitchen Backsplash

  1. Glad to see you’re keeping John busy. Make the bugger work, that’s the ticket, wot wot.
    Urm, on a more serious matter, I’ve never heard of a ‘kitchen backsplash’ before and thought that was what the things in men’s urinals were called? We live n learn. Thank You. Great post.
    AS you can tell, I am to DIY, what Hitler was to subtle_Tea (sp?)


  2. Do you know you can buy sheets of tiles already spaced, grouted and pre pasted? Hope you had an easier time opening the well deserved Champers… It looks FABUlous, daring!!!
    xoxoxo Toni


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