Dave: Hey! Here comes the cheater from the half marathon! You are not going to believe the mileage I’m going to get out of that story!
John: You wanted to see us for a quick look.
Dave: There. I’ve seen you. You can go now.
Everyone: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: I’ll go first.
Dave: Which would work, except that you don’t have your contacts in. John?
Shelley: Bloody John. He’s always the favourite.
John: Because I follow instructions.
Dave: Shelley, put yours in while I take a look at John’s eyes. John, can you read the bottom line?
John: P, Q, R, S
Dave: You’re back to 20 20 vision.
Dave: What line on this sheet can you read without straining?
John: The bottom line.
Dave: Excellent. Let’s check to make sure your corneas have healed…. Again, perfect. Shelley?
Shelley: John’s eyes are perfect. John’s heart rate is perfect. John’s teeth are perfect. John’s half marathons are perfect. John’s Ikea building skills are perfect. My mother thinks he’s perfect.
Blah. Blah. Blah. John is perfect.
Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Marcia. Marcia. Marcia.
John: Sour grapes dear?
Dave: Go ahead Shelley, read the bottom line.
Shelley: X, F, P, G?
Dave: Are you guessing?
Shelley: Maybe. How’d I do?
Dave: Not one letter was correct. The third line from the bottom?
Shelley: P, K, H, R?
Dave: Nope. The second line?
Shelley: Hmmm… John?
John: I can’t help you. That would be cheating.
Dave: Like your half marathon.
Dave and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Dave: The top line?
Shelley: I can see each letter… Twice.
Dave: John! Don’t let her drive.
Shelley: What’s wrong with my eyes?
Dave: I’m not sure. But your vision is worse than it was 4 weeks ago when your corneas were scratched.
Let me check. Hmmm… They’ve healed, so it’s not that… I can’t figure this out.
Shelley: Ahhhh maybe, just maybe, I put my contacts in the wrong eyes.
John: Oh yes, Shelley has done many amazing things with her contacts.
Not only has she put them in the wrong eyes,
she’s put two in the same eye.
She’s woken me up in the middle of the night to share that one of her eyes had corrected itself, only to discover that she forgot to take out the contact.
In Japan, she changed her prescription.
And, oh yes, more than once, she went to school wearing my contacts.
Dave: Sigh. Let’s not take any chances. Take them out. Put these brand new contacts in. Make sure you put them in the correct eyes.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! Funny man.
Dave: Try the bottom line.
Shelley: B, V, T…O?
Dave: Almost. Much better. Take this card and tell me which line you can read without straining.
Shelley: I13? Did I beat John? Tell me I beat John. Otherwise…
John: Otherwise she’ll do something really desperate to beat me, like the time we went to the dentist in Malaysia. As usual, my teeth were perfect. I returned to school when it was Shelley’s turn. Somehow she convinced the dentist to write a letter recommending surgery on my jaw. The procedure entailed removing a section of my hip bone, then attaching it to my jaw. But not before they broke my jaw on both sides, pulled the bones apart in order to create space for the hip bone. The result would be an extension of the jaw line, which would, in turn, improve the alignment of my teeth. I must admit, I fell for it. Scared the Bejesus out of me.
Dave: Why am I not surprised? Oh. I know. Shelley cheats.
Shelley: That wasn’t cheating. That was a joke. An excellent one, if I do say so myself.
Dave: So you say. By the way, John made it to the bottom line.
Shelley: Damn. But I did pretty good, right?
Dave: Yes, if you ignore the fact that the lines begin with a “J” not an “I.”
Dave: Off with you two. I don’t need to see either one of you until December, but drop back in July, because by then I’ll need some new stories to share.
Shelley and John