I Need a Wife

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Shelley: Matt, I bet you’re excited that we’re taking care of your investments on your second day back in Canada.


Matt: Soooooooo excited.

Shelley: You’re sure you’re comfortable with this level of risk?

Matt: Yes. Yes. One second… Am texting Cale… Hey! He’s going to the World Premier of Superman Thursday night and I’m going to Vancouver to watch it with him. Where were we? What do we do next?

Shelley: For starters, find out exactly how much money is available to invest.

Matt: Sounds…. Like… A…. Plan.

Shelley: Now what are you doing?

Matt: Checking in with my other buddy, Spencer. Seeing if he’s busy for the following weekend… Nope, he’s free. So, I need to…

Shelley: Open your investment account page.

Matt: Doing that riiiiiiiiiiiight nowwwwwwww. (Chuckles)

Shelley: Why are you laughing?

Matt: I’m looking at Cracked.com. People sent in photo-shopped pictures of what they would really do if the world was going to end tomorrow. Take a look.


Shelley: Ha! Ha! That is funny. Ha! Ha!


OK. Let’s focus here. Is this the amount you want to invest?

Matt: Yes. Yes.

Shelley: Do you still want to invest in this fund?

Matt: Yes. Yes.

Shelley: Why do you want to invest in this particular fund?

Matt: Yes. Yes.

Shelley: Are you paying attention?

Matt: Yes. Yes.

John: Matt, check out Aiden’s picture. Wasn’t that your favourite kick?


Matt: No. My favourite kick was… Hiiiii-Yahhhhh!!!!!!


Everyone: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!


Matt: The tickets are sold out. F#$%.

Shelley: F#$% is right.

John: StarTrek’s playing tonight. Want to go?

Matt: Is it in 3D? I hate 3D.

John: Why?

Matt: It takes you out of the experience and it’s gimmicky. But if it’s only shown in 3D, I’ll go. Let me check what times it’s playing. Siri, what times does Star Trek play tonight in Courtenay?


Siri: 7:00 and 9:00 PM.


Matt: Siri, do you love me?

Siri: You’re looking for love in all the wrong places.

Shelley: Oh. My. God. You are just like your dad. (Check out, “Do you Know Where you Money is?” to appreciate that statement.) Trying to talk money with either one of you is like trying to pin down two cats with their tails cut off. 

Matt: Mom, I’m listening. I chose this fund because of its holdings.

Shelley: Which are?

Matt: Gold?

Shelley: No.

Matt: Banks?

Shelley: Also a “no.”

Matt: Can’t you do this for me? You do this for dad.

Shelley: Absolutely not. You’re responsible for your own money.

Matt: Arghhh!!!!!! I need a wife.

Shelley: Oh Matt, don’t you worry. One day when you least expect it,  you’ll find that special someone.

Matt: Thanks mom. But I need a wife to look after my investments. 

Shelley and John


10 thoughts on “I Need a Wife

  1. Dear Matt,

    Be more hands on with your money. Don’t leave it to a wife. Maybe get a prenup?



    Blowing up the Acme factory was hilarious. Sorry about Man of Steel. You should have told me earlier that you were going to be in town.


  2. Matt, when in doubt, invest in companies whose products you use. For example, you could invest in Microsoft because I know you love using PowerPoint. 🙂


  3. This was excellent and I totally relate to this! Most of what I say to my 33, 31, and 27 year olds goes in one ear and out the other! I have been known to help them with their income tax 1040EZ forms. Hahaha!


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