Honey is One Tough Mudder

IT’S OFFICIAL HONEY IS A TOUGH MUDDER

Tough Mudder 2013 Whistler BC, Canada

IT’S OFFICIAL, HONEY IS ONE TOUGH MUDDER

“How was Tough Mudder?” Family, friends, strangers

Tough Mudder was unique. Never before had I entered an 18 kilometre run interspersed with 25 obstacles. Unlike road races, where most people focus on themselves, Tough Mudder is an event that is impossible to complete without, at some point, assistance from fellow participants.

I watched my husband, John, and son, Andrew, compete the previous year, trained hard, but even so, before the race, was consumed with doubts. Actually fear.

“Was I fit enough?”

“Would I be warm enough?”

“Would my bangs grow out in time for Andrew and Ash’s wedding?” (Totally serious. It was only 4 sleeps away and they were way way too short)

But after 10 minutes of “Hoo Rahs!!!” I say, “Tough!” you say “Mudder!” pulsing music and a rousing rendition of “Oh Canada,”

I charged out of that holding pen ready to conquer the world, with our English relatives, Babs, Brian and Jo, there to document our assault.

“ROOOOAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!”

The run, itself, (OK, OK, I did walk in certain sections, but I swear that Olympic Ski Jump Hill went straight up)

wasn’t too bad, until the last 4k’s when my hip locked. That’s when a complete stranger stopped, stuck her thumb into my hip’s ball and socket, knuckle deep, for about an hour, minute and magically released my cramp. 

Some obstacles such as: HOLD YOUR WOOD,  LOG JAMMIMIN’, ELECTRIC EEL,

SNOW TUNNELS, BOA CONSTRICTOR, and THE MILE OF MUD

I completed without help. However, I was helped dragged over all of the BERLIN WALLS and EVEREST.

WALK THE PLANK was more of a mental challenge as, quite honestly, who in their right mind would willingly jump off a 10 metre platform into freezing muddy water, then swim 15 metres?

Which brings me to the one obstacle that almost undid me. The one that I dreaded the most. The one that almost killed me. The…

ARCTIC ENEMA

How it works. Take an extended garbage receptacle, (The commercial kind) fill half of it with ice water, fill the other half with ice cubes until the concoction is 5 feet deep. Half way across, place a thick plank on the water’s surface, arrange razor wire along the top to discourage people from crawling over. Send the contestants into the tank, with these directions,

“No jumping. Ease yourself in. When you reach the other side, get out.”

I eased myself in.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!! HOLY. MOTHER. OF. GOD!!!!!

Ice water is cold. So cold it burns your skin. Your nails. Your hair. Your hoo hoo.

Ice water turns your balls blue and shrinks your you know what until it’s the size of a Vienna Sausage. (John’s contribution to today’s blog)

Ice water paralyzes you. Your breath. Your movements. Everything but your thoughts.

” I can’t breathe. AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t breathe. I am going to freeze to death. I. AM. GOING. TO. FREEZE. TO. DEATH!!!!  I DON’T WANT TO FREEZE TO DEATH! I WANT TO LIVE TO SEE ANDREW AND ASH’S WEDDING!!!”

That last thought galvanized me into action. I attempted to plow through the icy sludge. Plowing didn’t work. I tried to swim. Swimming did work. Sort of. I reached the plank. Ducked under. Kicked hard. Harder. Swam under and past it. Fought through the ice ceiling to stand. Succeeded. But immediately slipped backwards.

” I can’t breathe. AIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t breathe. I am going to freeze to death. I. AM. GOING. TO. FREEZE. TO. DEATH!!!!  I DON’T WANT TO FREEZE TO DEATH! I WANT TO LIVE TO SEE ANDREW AND ASH’S WEDDING!!!”

A claw latched onto John’s shoulder. It was mine.

“Ahhhh!! Ohhhh!!! Argghhh!!! Huhhhhhh!!!!” (DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE ME TO FREEZE TO DEATH IN THIS ICE TANK! I NEED TO SEE ANDREW AND ASHLY GET MARRIED!!!!!!”

“Ahhhh!! Ohhhh!!! Argghhh!!! Huhhhhhh!!!!” ( ROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!)

John attacked that ice like there was no tomorrow. Without a doubt, John saved me. Because of him, I witnessed Andrew and Ash marry. For that I will be eternally grateful.

“Will you ever compete in Tough Mudder again?” Family, friends, strangers

Are you kidding me? No way. Only crazy people would do that, like John.

But then again, maybe the experience is like child birth, after a few months, glasses of wine, you forget all the horrifying stuff and only remember the good.

Shelley and John