Won’t Take More Than 15 Minutes, 20 Tops

9:30 PM

John: Right now? 9:30 at night? You want me to put Andrew’s painting back on the wall? At this very instant? Me?

Shelley: Yes.

John: Why is it that, every year, just before we leave, you give me a project?

Shelley: This is hardly a project. Won’t take more than 15 minutes, 20 tops. It will be over before you start.

John: That’s what she said.

Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

9:35 PM

John: Can you pass me the metal strip?

(Shelley stands up, walks down the hall, picks up the metal strip, which is, oh, less than 1 foot away from John, passes John the metal strip, walks back to the computer, then resumes working on the computer.)

9:37

John: Can you pass me the spirit level?

(Shelley stands up, walks down the hall, picks up the spirit level, also less than 1 foot away from John, passes John the spirit level, walks back to the computer, then resumes working on the computer.)

9:39

John: Can you pass me the pencil?

(Shelley stands up, walks down the hall, picks up the pencil,  which, surprise surprise, is also less then 1 foot away from John, passes John the pencil, walks back to the computer, then resumes working on the computer.)

9:41 PM

John: Can you pass me the tape measure?

(Shelley stands up, walks down the hall, picks up the tape measure, which, for the love of God, is also less then 1 foot away from John, passes John the tape measure, walks back to the computer, then resumes working on the computer.)

9:43 PM

John: Can you pass me the electric screw driver?

Shelley: Holy Shit! Do I look like Vanna White? Tell you what, you go and put on your utility belt, you put everything you need in it, then you get back on that ladder.

John: What? Why?

Shelley: I’m trying to work on the computer.

John: I didn’t realize looking up recipes was more important than installing your son’s painting. You know, the painting that has to be installed at 9:30 at night. This very night.

Shelley: Sigh. Here’s the electric screw driver.

9:50 PM

John: One last check before I screw holes in the wall. Perfect. Take that Mike Holmes. You won’t have to “Make it Right,” not with John Smith in charge. Bzzzzzt. That’s one. Bzzzzzt. Two. Bzzzzzt. And three. Let’s see…

MUUUTHHHHHERRRRR F#$CKERRRRR!!! 

It’s crooked. How can it be crooked? I even measured from the ceiling three times. Look. I’ll do it again. 17 and 1/2. 17 and 1/2. And 17 and 1/2.

Shelley: Why didn’t you trust the spirit level? You know the ceiling is never perfectly level.

John: Why didn’t I trust the spirit level? Oh I don’t know why I didn’t trust the spirit level. Maybe I wanted to drag this out as long as possible.Or maybe I wanted you to remind me that the ceiling is never perfectly level. Ahhhh… God D@#n it!  Nothing is ever simple!

Shelley: Maybe now is not a good time for me to bring up the idea of you attending “Anger Management” classes?

Am thinking this might have been a scene from “The Shining.”

10:00 PM

John: How many inches?

Shelley: Five.

John and Shelley: (Singing loudly, badly) Five inches she wanted! Five inches she got! Ohhhhhhhhhhh I don’t work there no more! I used to work in Chicago in a department store…

Shelley: Look how much fun we’re having? Maybe we should reconsider buying a place and renovating it?

10:05 PM

John: OK. Done.

Shelley: Told you it wouldn’t take long. Just over 20 minutes. Hold it up so I can see… Oh. Oh.

You attached the strips to the bottom. Totally my fault. I measured the bottom of the frame instead of the top. Don’t worry. This is hardly a catastrophe. Won’t take more than 5 minutes, 10 tops. It will be over before you start.

Shelley and John