It’s a True Story, I Swear

Day 88, november 25th, 2013

Me, Brother Steve, sister-in-law, Shelley, and husband, John

My Brother Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time everything went wrong with my left side.

Shelley: I’m sure you did. But tell it anyway.

John: Can’t wait to hear how much this story has grown. You Orr’s couldn’t resist exaggerating if it killed you.

Steve: No. No. It’s a true story. I swear. Well, there might be a few embellishments, but the basics are true. Anyway, a while back, Shelley (my sister-in-law), myself and Casey (their dog) were staying here (Beach house in Galveston) for the weekend.

Shelley and I headed out for a twenty mile run.

My Sister-in-law Shelley: Steve. Nineteen.

Steve: OK. Ok. Nineteen.  Anyway, not that long into the run, my left knee began hurting. I finished the run anyway because, as you know, I’m tough. But by the time I returned home, it had swelled up to the size of a grapefruit. I iced it and kept it elevated all night long confident everything would be fine the next day.

But everything was not fine. Everything was worse.

My left knee was the size of a watermelon. And I could barely see out of my left eye. It was nasty; painful, itchy, crusty, swollen with gunk oozing out. We had to go to the eye doctor. However, when I stepped outside to get into the truck, the sun shot rays directly into my retina.

It was F@#$ing awful.

The Doctor loaded me up with medicine and eye drops. Told me not to ever sleep in my contacts 9 nights in a row again. Which, by the way, I haven’t done since then, and instructed me to lay down in a dark room with my eyes closed so the scratched surface on my cornea would get some relief.

I went home and followed the Doctor’s orders. But, while lying there, I felt sorry for myself. It wasn’t fair that I had a bad left knee and a bad left eye. I didn’t want to lie in bed. I worked too hard to lie in bed all weekend. So, I made a decision right then and there to get up, have Shelley drive Casey and me to the beach. Once there, we would take her for a short walk. Everything would be fine.

But everything was not fine. Everything was worse.

A dog approached Casey and sniffed her. Casey wasn’t bothered by this. She actually enjoyed the attention. But when a second dog checked her out, Casey had had enough. Casey charged at the exact same time I reached in with my left hand to calm her.

My. Left. Hand.

Casey’s tooth pierced a hole in my left hand. The fleshy part between my thumb and pointer finger. And Casey wouldn’t let go. So there I was, I can’t see, my left knee’s killing me and I’m trying to shake off my own dog who’s hanging off my left hand. Shelley, show them a picture…

And the funny thing is, all I could think was, “Good thing that my right side is still OK.”

Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! How to look on the bright side. Tell me everything was fine the next day.

Steve: But everything was not fine. Everything was worse.

The next morning, despite my left knee and my left eye not showing any improvement, and my left hand having seized up into a swollen claw, I began cooking breakfast for everyone. That’s the kind of guy I am. But, the cast iron skillet over heated causing the food to burn. Without thinking, I grabbed it with bare my left hand.  I couldn’t let go of it because my skin stuck to the handle. And…

Everyone: Everything was not fine. Everything was worse.

Steve: Exactly. So I…

Shelley and John

Whoops I forgot to share another podcast that we listen to in our travels. Check out NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” A comedy quiz show that focuses on current events.