Before you do anything drastic like call the cops, contact your lawyers or tear up my card, I can explain. As you know, it’s Christmas, and this Christmas we Smiths gave each other group gifts. Andrew and Ash bought Clippers tickets.
John and I bought Charger tickets.
And Ellen, this is where you come in, Matt bought the “Movie Stars’ Homes Tour in Hollywood” tickets.
(Oh and just a heads up Ellen, if you ever have guests who want to take the tour, do not let them buy their tickets at the official Star Line Tour office, as they charge $47 per person and it’s only $25 off the street. You’re welcome.)
As we had time before our tour, we checked out the stars on Hollywood Boulevard,
the hand and foot prints in front of the Chinese Theatre,
attended the Oscars,
and loaded up on sugar.
Although this was my third tour, by the time we were seated, I was super duper excited. Our guide, Michael (Not his real name, just in case you don’t forgive and forget) explained that he had to hurry as there wasn’t much day light left. We rocketed out of that parking lot, blew by famous clubs, restaurants, strip clubs, a few Houses of the Stars
and zoomed up Mulholland Drive for a picture of the famous HOLLYWOOD sign.
By the time we hit your house, I was giddy with excitement. Giddy.
Our Tour Guide, Michael: On your right is Ellen DeGeneres’ house. Ellen and Portia have recently moved into the neighbourhood. Their newly renovated house is thought to be…
Shelley: ( Jumping to her feet!) Ellen!!! I want to be on your show! I’ve sent you seven requests! Why won’t you put me on your show? Why won’t you at least answer me? Why…
Michael: There’s her mail box. Why don’t you write her a note?
Shelley: I will. I… No. No. No. No! NO!! I can’t find a pen.
Michael: Do you have a card?
My friend, Lynn: I do!
Shelley: What? I DO TOOOO!!!!!!
Michael: Put it in her mail box.
And that, Ellen, that is how Lynn’s and my card ended up in your mail box. As you can see, in no way were we stalking you. It’s more like,
“Being caught up in the moment.”
I do hope you forgive us for our seconds of insanity. Ellen, I believe that seeing your house, (actually the gate to your house) was a sign telling me not to quit, not to give up my dream of being a guest on your show. I’m going to be honest with you, after sending you seven requests, I’d given up. I told everybody that I didn’t want to be on your stupid show, that I didn’t care, that I really wanted to be on “Chelsea Lately” but deep down I knew it was a lie.
I. Want. To. Be. On. Your. Show.
However, if you do invite me, John, my bud, Toni, Andrew, Ash, Matt, my mother, Cinders and Lynn (Not my dad. Not sure why not as he loves to dance. But what can you do???) as live audience members, I’m OK with that too.
But if I don’t make the cut to actually be part of your live studio audience, I’ll pass on watching your show in a separate viewing room. That would be, as my dad would say, “Like kissing your sister.”
Shelley and John
PS: My follow up letter to Ellen posted on Dec.30th.
This is my 8th attempt to be a guest on your show. (Check history) I don’t need a car, money or a house make over. Although a bit of botox would be nice. Also, I am sorry for leaving my card in your mailbox. See explanation below. Thank you in advance for forgiving me and inviting me to be a guest.
Looking forward to your positive response,