Hey Lance Let’s See What you can do on a Mountain Bike, HUH!

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0 miles….

Shelley: John! I loved our hike behind Bullhead City (Arizona) yesterday, but hiking takes so long compared to biking. Biking is definitely the way to go.

1 mile…

Shelley: John! Isn’t this perfect? The sun’s shining. It’s 18 degrees. There’s no wind. We’re biking on a gentle undulating paved bike path along the side of Lake Mead, Nevada. Perfect. 

1.5 miles…

Shelley: John! Look at that family of bikers. Cute eh? Oh my goodness. How many kids do they have? Probably trying to tire them out before bedtime. An excellent strategy. Oh. Oh. Look at that poor guy coming towards us on his trail bike. He is not having a good time. Almost there!. You can do it!!

 2 miles…

Shelley: John! Did you see those bad ass bikers swoosh by us? They must be going at least 50 – 60 kilometres an hour. They are doing it right; road bikes as light as feathers, flashy spandex, those cute little booties. And here we are, the Beverly Hillbillies on our twenty pound cross trainers. Speaking of, did you see that commercial for the new reality show, “Hollywood Hillbillieswhen the mother tries to bargain for a car by offering a down payment and an IUD? No one can be that clueless, right?

Shelley: 2.5 miles…

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Shelley: John! Maybe we should take up biking seriously. Focus on road biking. Tell you what, when we get back, I’ll contact Spencer (My biking mad brother) and see if he can recommend a road bike starter kit for us.

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3 miles…

Shelley: John! Listen to this.

“Ah,ah, eee eee, ieee, oohhh, youuuu, whyyyy, ahhhh.”

I’m Sandra Bullock floating around in space from the movie “Gravity.” Get it? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Think about it. She was nominated for an Oscar for reciting her vowels. I could have done that.

3.5 miles…

Shelley: I can’t make any sense of the last night’s episode of “Homeland.” Is Brody a double double double agent? Wait. Is there such as thing as a double double double agent? Or is it a triple double agent?

4 miles…

Shelley: John! I haven’t seen the lake for at least half an hour. It doesn’t make sense, because according to the map, we should be biking parallel to it.

4.5 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff) John! This is not a gentle undulating bike path. What this is, is the approach to Mount Everest.

IMG_26075 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! We’re so high up, we should be strapping on oxygen tanks. I guess the good thing is that we’re guaranteed to see mountain goats. Oh. Silly me. I mean long horned mountain sheep.

5.5 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! My pulse is 198 and yours is 120. Isn’t that something? I’m close to a heart attack and you’re hardly breathing. Hopefully before I die, I’ll see at least one mountain goat. No. I did not mean long horn mountain sheep, I meant goats. I want to see goats. I “am” being reasonable.

6 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff) John! No lake. No jack rabbits. No coyotes. No burros. And no freakin’ mountain goats.

6.5 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! My bum hurts.

7 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! I can’t feel my you know what.

I. Can’t. Feel. My. You. Know. What!

Quick! Check to see if it’s still there. It is? Oh thank God. Because for a minute there I was worried that I lost it somewhere on this God forsaken mountain and I’d never find it again.

7.5 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! Why do people bike? Seriously. Why do people willingly get on tiny little hard seats that cut off all the circulation to their private bits, bike for hours, get up the next day and do it all over again. Tell you what, tomorrow we are kayaking.

Lake Mead, Nevada. Less than 10 miles from Las Vegas.

Lake Mead, Nevada. Less than 10 miles from Las Vegas.

8 miles… 

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! Cancel that call to Spencer. It’s going to be at least a week before I’ll have any sensation down there.

8.5 miles…

Shelley: John! Stop. Let me get a picture of you by the marker. So… if we started at mile 21 and this marker says 12, that means we’ve biked 13 miles. And 3/4’s of that was straight up. Whoo! Heee! We’re awesome. Wait until I tell Spencer how well we did. What’s that? We’ve only biked 9 miles? You’re sure? You’re 100% sure?

F@#K!!!

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9 miles… 

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.)… John! That guy passed us as if we were standing still. What a cheater. Of course he’s a cheater on that fancy road bike. If I say he’s a cheater, then he’s a cheater.

9.5 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! J@#@S CH@#$T!!!! You just cut me off. You just cut me off! Yes, there is a need to swear. I am swearing because I almost died. And “no” I am not over reacting.

10 miles…

Shelley: (Puff. Puff. Puff.) John! Another one? Really?

“Hey Lance! Let’s see what you can do on a mountain bike? How about we trade bikes? Huh?”

Nothing. John, I got nothing back from him. No I will not Shhhh! I don’t care if he heard me. I wanted him to hear me. What’s his problem? I’m just trying to be friendly. It wouldn’t have killed him to acknowledge me. I’m just saying. What? Why do you want to turn back? Oh. You think it’s best to turn back now because you think we’ve gone far enough for one day? You don’t want to over do it? And we don’t want to be out here in the dark?…. OK. But for the record “I” was willing to complete this entire 32 mile loop.

Dec15 - Jan. 16th, 2014

Day 146, January 20th, 2014

Day 146, January 20th, 2014

Shelley and John

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23 thoughts on “Hey Lance Let’s See What you can do on a Mountain Bike, HUH!

  1. At least you weren’t on a cute pink, gearless, foot pedal breaking, beach cruiser! Although, you gotta admit the basket on that bike was adorable! And, we did see a bobcat, along with the famous actress Marilyn Monroe!

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    • Exactly! The next day a ranger stopped by our site to comment on how happy we were when he saw us biking. I pointed out that of course we were, we were heading down hill. 🙂 The problem is now we have to go back and do the entire loop. Maybe we should rent the go faster bikes??

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      • In Rarotonga we hired motorised push bikes. They were brilliant… Until the batteries ran out. No hills to worry about but, jeezlouise, pedalling heavy bikes in that climate…!

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  2. I know they have bike shorts with padding for the backside, maybe they have ones with padding for the front burner too. Glad you didn’t leave “it” back in mile 4 that would have scared bikers behind you!

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  3. When Greg and I were first dating, we bought roller blades. His were more expensive than mine, and I was soon to find out why. We went out through some neighborhoods for an hour or so, and I swear, he coasted 90 percent of it, while I had to run on those buggers just to keep up with him COASTING! I returned them and bought a better pair. What a difference…then I tripped over someone’s garden hose laying across the sidewalk at dusk. After a short Superman flight, and some blood and bruises, my honeymoon period with roller blades was quickly coming to an end. They are still in the attic 20 years later…

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