Children of the Corn

You were adequate

You were adequate

Present day…

John: Shelley, this very nice store clerk has found us the perfect GPS to replace Tatiana. The best part is it’s less than $100.

Shelley: An excellent start. And…

John: It’s a Tom Tom, so we’re already familiar with how it works.

Shelley: True. And…

John: It has maps for Canada, the US and Mexico.

Shelley: Really? For less than $100? Let me take a look at the box. I see the US, Caymen Islands, and Puerto Rico. But no Canada and no Mexico. I am not going to Mexico without a GPS system. What else do you have?

Store Clerk: I know it doesn’t list Canada and Mexico, but last fall, I bought the exact same GPS system and drove through Canada without a problem.

Shelley: You accessed Canadian maps?

Store Clerk: Yes.

Shelley: What about free map updates for life?

Store Clerk: No.

Shelley: No?

Store Clerk: But not a big deal. Since this was manufactured in 2013, it’s already updated. Besides, why do you need automatic updates?

Shelley: So we know where we’re going?

Store Clerk: Not necessary.

Shelley: What in the world are you talking about?

Store Clerk: Think about it. There you are, driving down the road, the GPS instructs you to turn right, but you see that there isn’t a road. Common sense dictates that you don’t turn right, you continue straight, your GPS recalibrates and you follow an alternate route.

Shelley: What if we’re lost in the middle of a city? Or in the middle of Minnesota, like last fall? That almost cost us our marriage.

Store Clerk: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re exaggerating, right?

Last fall…

John: Jesus Christ Shelley! I’m tired. We’ve been driving for over 11 hours. Where’s the campsite?

Shelley: I have no idea.

John: You’re the navigator but you have no idea?

Shelley: Actually Tatiana, (Our Tom Tom) a useless piece of S#$T, is the navigator.

John: Shelley! We’ve had this discussion before. Tatiana doesn’t like it when you talk to her like that.

Shelley: You’re right. We have had this discussion before and I say that Tatiana is not human. What Tatiana is, is


John: Oh that’s just great. We’re driving around the “The Children of the Corn” set,

Like this.

Like this, regardless of which direction you looked. Seriously.

at night, in the rain, on a muddy dead end road and you, you decide to swear at Tatiana, our only hope. Great. At this rate, we’re never going to see Beth and Craig before their baby is born.


Shelley: Of course we are. Keep driving straight. You don’t know it’s a dead end. Jesus!

John: Trust me. It’s a dead end. There’s no more road.

This very road

This very road

Shelley: Fine. Now what?

John: You’re going to have to get out and help me back up.

Shelley: Onto to the freeway? That’s not safe. Besides it’s raining cats and dogs. You get out.

John: I’m driving. You get out.

Shelley: It’s my turn to drive. You’ve driven for hours. It’s not fair for you to drive any further.

John: Jesus Christ! Shelley! Get out and direct me.


Shelley: Fine. But for the record, I said we should have asked someone to help us in the last town. This is basically your fault.

John: My fault? MY FAULT???? Anything else you’d like to get off your chest?

Shelley: I’m not sure if this is the time or the place, but since you asked…

(Parumph Museum)

Present day…

Shelley: No.

Dear readers,

At this point, you are assuming that we bought the next model up for $187. But, no, no, not us Smiths. No sirree. We bought the original Tom Tom the clerk showed us.

“Why?” you ask?

I can’t really explain why. Maybe, we somehow knew that in the next few days we would have to:

replace 2 RV tires for $300 plus tax


buy a new Verizon biscuit for $200 plus tax, as the warranty expired in November,

pay $432 for Truck and RV insurance for Mexico

Whatever the reason, we did. And guess what?


Wait for it!

There were no Canadian or Mexican maps to be found.

Add $187 plus tax to the bill.

Dec. 15 - Feb. 4th, 2014Day 162, Feb. 4th, 2014

Shelley and John

Explosion – Parumph Museum

24 thoughts on “Children of the Corn

  1. Well, I, for one, am glad that you salvaged your marriage. 🙂

    I truly don’t understand why all GPSs don’t come with lifetime map updates and all the necessary maps for at least a region or area where it is purchased. Maybe they should put me in charge of GPS marketing…

    Sorry about the RV tires, ugh!


  2. LMAO! I wish I was going to be along for the Mexican adventure, I can already tell they’ll be some good stories from the trip! Take good care of your folks, & Tatiana #2!


  3. Ah, the GPS. I had a Garmin and always thought the lady sounded angry and put upon. I changed it to the British Male …. oh, what was his name? Anyway, he was much nicer.

    Well, I didn’t update it for years and, like you experienced, it took me down roads that went no where and it sometimes couldn’t find certain addresses because they were too new. Now, I just use my phone, but that’s not perfect either.


  4. Holy hell, I always look forward to your next post. You give me a laugh *just* when I need it. Please don’t get lost in Mexico.

    The photo of you with your friends Beth and Craig (and baby bump) from last fall, with the American and Norwegian flags in the background. As an American living in Norway, I gotta ask: Coincidence? If not, what’s the story?


    • Thanks! Polar Vortexing??? The flag was for you of course, and am thinking that Beth’s family are from Norway. I’ll have to ask them. Thanks for reading. Stay warm. We are going down with my parents. Oh the stories. 🙂


  5. This is so funny and sounds just like conversations between my husband and me! I’m so glad my phone now has a GPS on it. Just what I need…one more voice telling me where to go!


  6. I have a textbook Spanish for law enforcement in my office. There are a few pages I need to send you before you go into Mexico. What is an email address I can send it to?


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