Children of the Corn

You were adequate

Present day…

John: Shelley, this very nice store clerk has found us the perfect GPS to replace Tatiana. The best part is it’s less than $100.

Shelley: An excellent start. And…

John: It’s a Tom Tom, so we’re already familiar with how it works.

Shelley: True. And…

John: It has maps for Canada, the US and Mexico.

Shelley: Really? For less than $100? Let me take a look at the box. I see the US, Caymen Islands, and Puerto Rico. But no Canada and no Mexico. I am not going to Mexico without a GPS system. What else do you have?

Store Clerk: I know it doesn’t list Canada and Mexico, but last fall, I bought the exact same GPS system and drove through Canada without a problem.

Shelley: You accessed Canadian maps?

Store Clerk: Yes.

Shelley: What about free map updates for life?

Store Clerk: No.

Shelley: No?

Store Clerk: But not a big deal. Since this was manufactured in 2013, it’s already updated. Besides, why do you need automatic updates?

Shelley: So we know where we’re going?

Store Clerk: Not necessary.

Shelley: What in the world are you talking about?

Store Clerk: Think about it. There you are, driving down the road, the GPS instructs you to turn right, but you see that there isn’t a road. Common sense dictates that you don’t turn right, you continue straight, your GPS recalibrates and you follow an alternate route.

Shelley: What if we’re lost in the middle of a city? Or in the middle of Minnesota, like last fall? That almost cost us our marriage.

Store Clerk: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re exaggerating, right?

Last fall…

John: Jesus Christ Shelley! I’m tired. We’ve been driving for over 11 hours. Where’s the campsite?

Shelley: I have no idea.

John: You’re the navigator but you have no idea?

Shelley: Actually Tatiana, (Our Tom Tom) a useless piece of S#$T, is the navigator.

John: Shelley! We’ve had this discussion before. Tatiana doesn’t like it when you talk to her like that.

Shelley: You’re right. We have had this discussion before and I say that Tatiana is not human. What Tatiana is, is

“Crap.”

John: Oh that’s just great. We’re driving around the “The Children of the Corn” set,

Like this, regardless of which direction you looked. Seriously.

at night, in the rain, on a muddy dead end road and you, you decide to swear at Tatiana, our only hope. Great. At this rate, we’re never going to see Beth and Craig before their baby is born.

Shelley: Of course we are. Keep driving straight. You don’t know it’s a dead end. Jesus!

John: Trust me. It’s a dead end. There’s no more road.

This very road

Shelley: Fine. Now what?

John: You’re going to have to get out and help me back up.

Shelley: Onto to the freeway? That’s not safe. Besides it’s raining cats and dogs. You get out.

John: I’m driving. You get out.

Shelley: It’s my turn to drive. You’ve driven for hours. It’s not fair for you to drive any further.

John: Jesus Christ! Shelley! Get out and direct me.

Shelley: Fine. But for the record, I said we should have asked someone to help us in the last town. This is basically your fault.

John: My fault? MY FAULT???? Anything else you’d like to get off your chest?

Shelley: I’m not sure if this is the time or the place, but since you asked…

Present day…

Shelley: No.

Dear readers,

At this point, you are assuming that we bought the next model up for $187. But, no, no, not us Smiths. No sirree. We bought the original Tom Tom the clerk showed us.

“Why?” you ask?

I can’t really explain why. Maybe, we somehow knew that in the next few days we would have to:

replace 2 RV tires for $300 plus tax

buy a new Verizon biscuit for $200 plus tax, as the warranty expired in November,

pay $432 for Truck and RV insurance for Mexico

Whatever the reason, we did. And guess what?

Surprise!

Wait for it!

There were no Canadian or Mexican maps to be found.

Add $187 plus tax to the bill.

Shelley and John

Explosion – Parumph Museum