Who’s Your Mama?

I’m sure many of you already know that:

“The BNP Paribas Open, held in Indian Wells Tennis Garden  from March 3 through March 16, 2014 is classified as an ATP World Tour Masters 1000 event on the 2014 ATP World Tour and a Premier Mandatory event on the 2014 WTA Tour.” Wikipedia.

However, I’m not sure how many of you are aware that admission is free for the first two tournament days.

Or that there is a new division,

“The 2014 PNP Paribas Open Senior Seniors Mixed Doubles Event”

Let’s join our commentator, John McEnroe, on court #10, to see how the final is being played out.

Commentator: Shelley with a cross court bullet. John backhand slices. Shelley’s dad, Roy, responds with a half volley down the line. John dives. He misses. Just.

One set each. Five games apiece.

Shelley and Roy do not applaud John’s effort. Instead, they celebrate with a victory dance. What an appalling display of Sportmanship. They’re lucky this match does not have an umpire.

Wait! Stop the press! An umpire has taken the chair.

My mom, the umpire: John, to serve. Love – 15.

Commentator: John serves. Easily returned by Roy. John tries a lob. Roy, aka, the albatross, smashes it down. More disgraceful celebrating by Shelley and Roy ensues.

My mom: 30 – love.

Dad: I think you mean 15 -15.

Mom: No, I don’t.

John: Thanks mother-in-law, but it is 15-15.

Mom: Fine. John to serve. 15-15. Serve, John.

Commentator: John serves. It’s long. Second serve. Oh no! Into the net. Double fault. Shelley and Roy rejoice with high five’s, clicking racquet heads and yet again performing their obnoxious shuffle dance.

My mom: 30-15.

Shelley and Dad: What’s going on here?

Mom: Two against one is hardly fair.

John: Thank you mother-in-law, but it’s 15-30.

Mom: Fine. 15-30. Serve, John.

Commentator: 15 serving 30. John changes it up with a slice serve. It spins wide. Shelley can’t reach it.

Mom: INNNAAHHHHH!!!!!

Shelley and Dad: INNNAAHHHHH!!!!!  INNNAAHHHHH??? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Are you sure it’s INNNAAHHHHH???? Of course she’s sure. INNNAAHHHHH!!!!! Not going to argue with that call. Are you going to argue that call? No, I am not going to argue that call. INNNAAHHHHH!!!!! Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Wonder who is mom’s favourite? It’s not me. It sure as heck isn’t me! Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Mom: (Ignores them) 30-30.

Commentator: John serves. Roy rips one to John’s back hand. John responds with a cross court shot. Shelley chips. John races to the net. John volleys. Roy unleashes a smash. John is caught flat footed.

Mom: 30-40.

Shelley and dad: Whooop! Whooop! Whoooop! Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Do the dance. That’s right. That’s right. Do the dance. Who’s your mama now? Huh? Huh?

Commentator: This behaviour has to be reported to the tournament Director. Children, lovers of tennis, the Snowbirds, anyone having the misfortune of witnessing this match, should not be exposed to … What? What in the world? The Umpire has picked up a racquet and joined John on the court. This is highly unprecedented. She’s motioning for John to serve.

Shelley and Dad: What are you doing?

Mom: Exactly what it looks like. Serve, partner.

Shelley and dad: What about your bad back?

Mom: I’ll be fine. Serve, partner.

Commentator: In all my years of commentating, I’ve never seen anything like this. Well, I’ll be damned, John serves. It sizzles past Shelley.

Deuce.

John serves to Roy. Roy responds with a chip. Val swats it between Shelley and Roy. Both players are too shocked to move. Val has not picked up a racquet in twenty years, but her first shot has punched a hole in their defence.

Advantage John and Val.

Shelley and Dad: I thought you had it. Me? I thought you had it.

Commentator: John serves. Roy drives it back. Val does not move. Doesn’t matter. The ball hits her racquet smack in the middle of the strings. Hits the top of the net and… and… lands in her opponents’ court. She raises her hand in apology. Great sportsmanship there.

Deuce.

John serves deep to Shelley. Shelley lobs to Val. Val stumbles backwards, reaches up, connects, sends it down the line. Roy tries a drop shot. The ball lands at Val’s feet. Val does not move. Again. John races to the front of the court. And… And… Double bounce.

Advantage Shelley and Roy.

John: Why didn’t you swing?

Val: I hit once per rally and then I’m done.

John: That’s it?

Val: That’s it.

John: No more? Just one?

Val: One.

John: OK. Now that I know the rules I can…

Val: Serve, partner.

Commentator: John serves. Roy fires one down the line. John slices to Shelley. Shelley goes cross court. Val throws her racquet up just in time. Roy goes deep. John with a forehand. Shelley rips the ball deep. John, with a drop shot. Roy half volleys. The ball boomerangs off Val’s racquet to the back of the court. Shelley and Roy never had a chance.

Game. Set. Maaaatchhhh!!!

John and Val are the 2014 BNP Paribas Open Senior Seniors Mixed Doubles Champions!!!!

John: I thought you only hit once per rally.

Val: I changed my mind. Oh and thanks for backing me up John.

Click here to check out my new interactive map. Thanks Eric Tonningsen for the subtle (wink) hint to sort out all of those arrows I was using. In case the link doesn’t work, March 6th is our 193rd day on the road. Zowweeeee!!!

Shelley and John