Dear Ellen DeGeneres, Don’t fry Bacon Naked

Split Rock camp ground, Joshua Tree

Split Rock camp ground, Joshua Tree

Dear Ellen DeGeneres,

Well, well, well, thank God for nieces. That’s right. Without the eagle eye of my gorgeous, clever niece, MIchelle, mit

Michelle, with one of our younger nieces, Taylor. Yep, she made Andrew and Ash’s wedding cake!

the opportunity to submit my application to Win Tickets to Ellen’s Birthday Show would have passed me by. I clicked on that link faster than a speeding bullet, which means with Superman speed, which means I should have been in your audience. Slam dunk, right? But nooooo, I was not in your audience. Do you want to know why, Ellen? Because I was too late. The contest was already closed. Within minutes. Am thinking seconds. Closed! Now Ellen, I am not one to use profanity, but seriously,

What.

The

F#$K????

It’s taken me three months to calm down enough to write to you. Even now, I’m not 100% over my acute disappointment, but Ellen, I’m going to take the high road and pretend that I completed the application and won tickets to your show. I’m also going to pretend that not only did I win tickets to your show, I’m going to pretend that John and I appeared as your guests. That’s right. As your guests.

Ellen: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from Joshua Tree National Park, Shelley and John! IMG_3530 Shelley and John dance in. The crowd goes wild.

Shelley: Thank you so much for having us on your show. You probably don’t know this but we’ve applied to be on your show nine times.

Ellen: Wow. Some people might consider nine attempts stalking.

Shelley: Really? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ellen: How long have you and John been on the road?

Shelley: 199 days. And we’re still happily married. Right, Honey? John: Right. jason-and-molly-on-ellen1 Ellen: Did you just look at your arm before answering my question?

Shelley: Yes, because whenever I get nervous, my mind goes blank and I can’t remember anything. I’ve actually forgotten John’s name before. Right, Honey?

John: Right.

Shelley: So, I wrote important facts on my arm.

Ellen: Can I take a look?

Shelley: Sure.

Ellen: Andrew and Ash, Matthew and Emma?

Shelley: My kids and their significant others.

Ash, Andrew, Matt, and Emma

Ash, Andrew, Matt, and Emma

Ellen: You’re worried that you might forget the your kids’ names?

Shelley: You never know.

Ellen: What else is on there?

Shelley: Survival tips for being on the road, such as take the time to stop and smell the flowers. Fotor0311103840 And when you pack up the RV, don’t rush. This one time, we drove down the hills surrounding San Diego, onto a seven lane highway without connecting the brakes and signal lights to our fifth wheel. Everyone was honking and waving at us. We couldn’t believe how friendly everyone was. Right, Honey?

John: Right.

Shelley: And of course, all the usual couple stuff, like laugh, have fun, race road runners,

Beep! Beep! Roadrunner!

Beep! Beep!

 respect and support each other,

IMG_3608

be loving, find your zen,

IMG_3604

communicate, have a nap before you reach this level.

cac

And when you do argue, because, let’s face it, when you live in less than 200 square feet, for just over 6 months, it’s going to happen, don’t bring up stuff from the past. Ha! Ha! I’m lying. I say, throw it all out there.

“No Rules Arguing”

is the best. But do make up before bedtime, so you don’t head to bed mad. Otherwise you could end up sleeping in separate beds.

IMG_3624

Mind you, if that does happen, try to end the argument while standing in the bedroom. That way you get the good bed. Trust me on that one.

Ellen: Well isn’t that…

Shelley: But really, it’s the little things that could turn your adventure into a nightmare, like forgetting to close the screen door, not turning on the fan after number two. IMG_3699 John: No! Shelley!

Shelley: I guess that’s really for me, because John usually uses the public toilets. Bless him. I try to avoid them at all costs as you never know who’s been there and what they’ve left behind. Especially those port-a-potties. Blechhhh!! Oh and I almost forgot, replace the toilet roll, chew slowly and quietly because, honestly, I hate hearing someone chew. Don’t you, Ellen?

Ellen: Ahh, yes?

Shelley: Do something for others, such as donate money, participate in a walk to end Alzheimers.

IMG_3434

Make sure you exercise not only your body, but your mind. IMG_3612 We like the easy to moderate sudoku and word puzzles. That way you feel like a rock star when you succeed. Speaking of rock stars, during excruciatingly long road trips, IMG_3580 do whatever it takes to keep your sanity; sing, read, write, listen to NPR, pod casts, discuss every member of your family and friends’ lives ad nauseum, IMG_3671 solve all of the world’s problems, plan the future. However, do not, under any circumstances, plan the future while climbing.

Ellen: Because?

Shelley: Because nothing is more disconcerting than reaching for a hold as your husband wonders aloud whether or not we should buy our new toilet from Home Depot. IMG_3697 John: Once. I did it once. And I apologized.

Shelley: Pretty sure you’ve done it more than once.

John: Jesus Christ! Shelley.

Shelley: Ha! Ha! You swore. I forgot. Have swearing contests. I always win. Well, almost always. Right, Honey?

John:

Ellen: Wow! I want to thank you both for joining me on my birthday.

Shelley: Wait! I’m not finished. (Double time) Try new things like mixing peroxide with Arm and Hammer to whiten your teeth.

IMG_3616   Have your lunch on top of the crag,

IMG_3688

Wear sunblock. Always bring snacks and drinks with you. Always. Or else…

Untitled

Whenever possible, sit by the campfire.

John: You’ve sat by a campfire less than half a dozen times.

Shelley: That’s because it’s too cold outside.

John: That doesn’t make any sense.

Shelley: It does to me.

Ellen: We really are out of time.

Shelley: (Rapid fire.) Understand and accept there are no long horn sheep in the southwestern United States. So, don’t waste your time searching for them. Ditto for grey whales. Always talk to strangers as you never know who’ll you meet.

Patrick John Bulger, 1968 and 1972 Olympic Wrestler, his wife, Donna, friend __Ole Sorensen (His son is Cody from this year's Olympic bobsled team, the one that flipped!!) and

Patrick John Bulger, 1968 and 1972 Olympic Wrestler, his wife, Donna, friend __Ole Sorensen (His son is Cody from this year’s Olympic bobsled team, the one that flipped!!) and

and make sure you acknowledge everyone who took the time to read, like, comment, follow and share your posts. Don’t forget to thank fellow bloggers who nominated you for Blogging awards. Do this in a timely fashion. If not, sincerely apologize. I sincerely apologize to:

Jadi Campbell, from “Jadicampbell” for the “One Lovely Blog Award”

Deb, creator of “Mywearymind” for the “The Lighthouse Award”

Ves, author of “Rushhourrant” for “The Sunshine Award”

Mike, writer of “The Eye-Dancers”  for “The 2013 Blog of the Year Award”

for not responding to your nominations in a timely fashion. And, I sincerely apologize, again, for not following the rules by not paying it forward to specific bloggers. To copy Mike, I nominate all of the bloggers out there who had the guts to start blogging and carved out time in their day to read others’ efforts. Cheers! (Please check out these blogs.) And…

IMG_3532 Ha! Ha! I couldn’t resist including this. Last but not least, a heart felt thanks to you, Ellen, for finally allowing me to be a guest on your show. At last I can happily sleep at night because dreams do come true and John can check your show off his list.

Right, Honey? IMG_3648 John: Right.

Thanks to John, you can now check out our interactive map here  to see where we’ve travelled. Or have a look below. The green marker is for Joshua Tree National Park.  Also, All photos except for the terrible attempt at photo shopping are from Joshua Tree National Park.

Shelley and John Ellen Photo: www.hollywoodreporter.com

Day 199, March 12th, 2014

Screen shot 2014-03-09 at 6.45.51 PM

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66 thoughts on “Dear Ellen DeGeneres, Don’t fry Bacon Naked

  1. I LOVE THIS! How could she not want you guys on her show?! And yes — public restrooms are disgusting and porta-potties are just beyond gross. One day I’ll have to tell you the story about the joyous “Posh-Jonna’s” that Gil rented FOR OUR WEDDING — surprisingly un-posh.

    Like

    • Thanks! No way you are getting away not telling the story about “Posh-Jonna’s.” Also, I’ve turned into such a Princess. When we lived in SE Asia, I would stick tissue up my nose, and Vicks on my upper lip, then get on with it. 🙂

      Like

  2. Congrats on being on The Ellen show! I am so jealous! Did you get a selfie with her? LOL. Great post and amazing pictures. A rock is not ‘just’ a rock huh? Most importantly, did you get a new toilet? 💩💩💩🚽🚽

    Like

  3. Shelley, you and John are absolutely the best Ellen guests EVER!

    Although I think you should talk to John about hogging the conversation like he does… 😀

    PS Love the pics…I still wanna be living your life!

    Like

    • Why thank you! It’s all I can do to get a word in with John. 🙂 Thanks for the pic love, am trying to learn not to have an expensive camera that I use as a point and shoot! 🙂

      Like

      • “am trying to learn not to have an expensive camera that I use as a point and shoot!”

        And what’s wrong with that??? 😉

        Seriously, the pics were great and supported your points for surviving travel perfectly!

        Like

      • Thanks for the positive feedback. Did you teach middle school because when I did, you had to keep everything super duper positive. Happiest place on earth!

        Like

      • Haha, NO. I did not teach ANY kind of school, and my patience would last about 5 minutes with middle-schoolers.

        I would not say I am a super-duper positive person, but your stories are fun, and the pics are good, so there. 😀

        Like

  4. So mucho (had to get a piece of Spanish in) good ‘stuff” here! Joshua Tree is an extraordinary destination. Glad you got to experience it. Love the road sign graffiti! The photoshopped image of you and John on Ellen’s couch is exceptional. I can’t believe you haven’t heard from her ‘people’ yet! 199 days and counting. Wow, just wow! 🙂 And of course, closing with the bacon frying tip. Priceless.

    Like

    • Why thank you, Eric. I saved the most important tip for last. When I was writing the post, John and I laughed at the idea of you trying to spin our argument style into an acceptable form! As for the photo shopping, ironically, I used a picture from her guests who were on “The Bachelor” The irony, non??? 🙂

      Like

  5. Yey! Congratulations, I knew it was just a matter of time before Ellen smartened up. 🙂 Love your list for happy cohabitation in tiny living spaces, and as always, your photos are gorgeous! By the way, we’ve done that “S*@t, forgot the plug!” thing too. Yikes!

    Like

    • Thank you for your support on my ongoing quest to be on Ellen. 🙂 Now Brickhousechick has an idea, go to Ellen’s Twitter account and start following. I’m so doing that and then I’m going to post the link to this blog. Ha! ha! Ha! You must send me more RV tips now that we are back on the grid. 🙂 I need to look for a picture of that plug. Only half of it was left. S@#T is right. 🙂

      Like

  6. This was prize worthy and you would make an excellent person to be interviewed by anyone famous, especially wish you could have made it onto the Ellen show! She would have gotten a kick out of your advice, your forgetting possibly the kids’ names, and other things you make amusing. Always! Sorry you got shut out within seconds or minutes… Smiles, Robin

    Like

    • Why thank you Robin!! Can you believe that I was shut out so quickly? Whatever, I’m off to post this on her Twitter site. Will time how long it takes for her to remove it! Too funny. 🙂

      Like

  7. Shelley, this post is absolutely hilarious! The photoshop picture was very well done (wish I knew how to do that!) and the pictures of the sights you are seeing and your adventures are gorgeous. I like that I am now a “creator”. Wow! I don’t believe I ever created anything but trouble! 🙂

    Like

    • Ha! Ha! Thanks. Everyone needs a laugh. As for the photoshop, I’m positive my technique is not the right one. I lasso, copy and paste. Then I copy and paste sections of the same colour to cover up stuff. My techie sons are cringing. Of course you’re a creator. Anyone who has the cajones to push publish are creators!

      Like

  8. Just had dinner and a wonderful walk in Savannah, GA…talked to all sorts of people!! At least, I did!! While Tom hung off to the side!! 😀

    Like

  9. LOLS. “But really, it’s the little things that could turn your adventure into a nightmare, like forgetting to close the screen door, not turning on the fan after number two.” The whole post had me rolling, but this one…oh my!

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  10. I’m not giving up! We’re going to get tickets to the Ellen Show some day! I’m positive she keeps our business cards on her desk just waiting for the right show to invite us to!

    Like

  11. You dream of being on Ellen’s show, but I got my name mentioned on your post! Brushes with greatness! PS: No need to apologize about being late accepting the award from me… looks like you’ve had funner things to do (is that a word? It should be).

    Like

    • Funner is indeed a word. 🙂 Ahhh Ellen. Almost forgot about her. On. On. Am now deciding if it would be funner to take a hot bath or run in 8 degree, windy, soon to be rainy weather.

      Like

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