The tiling has begun. John and I are tiling the bathrooms at our duplex. My intention was to write a post detailing this experience, but honestly, little has changed since our previous tiling escapade. Tiling remains just as frustrating. So, I am throwing out last summer’s post for you to read. Enjoy!
- “Installing kitchen tiles shouldn’t take more than an hour. It’s easier than tiling floors.”
Before
John: The grout’s not sticking.
Shelley: Maybe it’s too dry… I’ll add water…. Now try.
John: No. It’s sliding off.
Shelley: Maybe apply a thinner coat?
John: That worked. Pass me the tiles.
Shelley and John place the sheet of tiles on the wall, push hard, squish them back and forth, then stand back to check their work.
THE TILES FALL OFF.
Shelley and John:…
Shelley: Let’s try again.
Shelley and John place the tiles on the wall, push hard, squish them back and forth, then stand back to check their work.
THE TILES FALL OFF!
Shelley and John: What are we doing wrong?
Shelley: I don’t know. I’ve never tiled walls before. Let’s YouTube it.
John: Ahhhhh. We need to butter the tiles… There.
Shelley and John place the tiles on the wall, push hard, squish them back and forth, then stand back to check their work.
THE TILES FALL OFF!!
Shelley and John: F%&^!!!!!!!!
John: Jesus Christ Shelley! This is not brain surgery.
Shelley: I think the tiles are too heavy. How about when we place the tiles on the wall, you push and hold them in place, while I squish? Go.
Shelley and John place the tiles on the wall, John pushes and holds the tiles against the wall while Shelley squishes. A couple of minutes later…
John: I’m not going to stand here pushing until they dry. That’s ridiculous.
Shelley: Let’s tape them to the wall. There.
John: Next one.
Shelley: Uh! Ohhh! You’re not going to believe this.
John: What? What’s wrong?
Shelley: I forgot to put the spacers on the bottom and the side.
Shelley and John: F%&^!!!!!!!!
John: Shelley, I know that you’ve wanted a back splash forever, but is this worth it? We started this project over an hour ago.
Shelley: Of course it is. We can do this. Tug up on the tiles really carefully. More… More… No. I still can’t get the spacer in. Maybe if you push the tile up with the mudding knife… That’s it… Almost… Just a little bit more… You’re almost there… Come on! COME ON!!! GET IN THERE YOU F%&^ER!!!!!!!! YES! And Yes, yes, yes, and now the sides… and done.
Yesssss!!! HUH? Nooooo!!!
John: No?
Shelley: The weight of the marble collapses the seams. We’re going to have to install spacers throughout the entire sheet of tiles.
John: You’re F%&^ing!!!!!!!! kidding me. Just leave it. No one will notice.
Shelley: I will. Every time I walk into the kitchen.
John: Give me the knife.
Shelley: Just a little bit higher… Can you push it up a teeny bit…
THE TILES FALL OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shelley and John:…
John: Why you… you… you…
Shelley: YOU MOTHER!
John: YOU MOTHER F%&^ER!!
Shelley: YOU Mother F%&^ER! F%&^ING!!!
John: YOU Mother F%&^ER! F%&^ING!!! F%&^!!!!
Shelley: YOU Mother F%&^ER! F%&^ING!!! F%&^INGLY!!!!…. F%&^!!!!!!!!!!!
Shelley and John:…
John: Is F%&^INGLY!!!! a word?
Shelley: It is now!
Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Shelley: Come on. One more time.
John: This is killing me.
Shelley: I know. I know. Me too. But we almost did it. Place the spacers on the ledge before we attach the tiles. There…. Now the sheet… Insert the spacers between the seams… Lift the knife a little higher so I can put the spacer in… and… I can just about… Come on you little… Get in there…. Ha! That’s right. Who’s your Mama? Huh? Huh? I’m your Mama. That’s right. I’m your Mama. Biatch!!!
John: Get going with the rest of the spacers, Mama.
Shelley: Yes…. Yes… Yes…Yes…. Yes… Yes… Yes…. Yes… Yes…Yes…. Yes… Yes… And Yes… Ta Daaaaaa!!!
John: Awesome. Get the tape.
Shelley: After we check to see if it’s level. Don’t forget the first tile is the most important… Let’s see… Not bad…. All it needs is a gentle nudge…
John: SHELLEY!!!! DON’T TOUCH IT! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
THE Mother F%&^ER! F%&^ING!!! F%&^INGLY!!!!…. $%&^!!!!!!!!!!! THE TILES FELL OFF!!!!!!!!!!
Shelley and John
Three ten hour days later, the tiles were successfully installed. Only mudding and siliconing were left to do.
Honey Did you See That? 
American engaged in blue collar work! OMG. I didn’t know that happened! Somebody call people who need to be called… 😉
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we are on a very very strict budget. Sigh! 🙂
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It tends to rain f-bombs when I attempt anything around the house. I’ve learned to use if for every part of speech — and in one sentence! But the tile is really pretty. 🙂
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Ha! Ha! Thanks. When you wrote every part of speech, you reminded me of when we were teaching Military kids in Lahr, Germany. I was impressed how the F bomb became an extra syllable.
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I think you broke my record for curse words in a post, Shelly? Still, you got there in the end!
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Thank you. I accept the crown. For these last two days, both of us behaved as the renters were there for most of the time. However, as soon as they went out, the air turned blue.
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Can’t wait for this years’ tiling stories!
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Tiles is down. Marriage is recovering. 🙂
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For your next job you can come over here and tile a bathroom for me..:)
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We’re on it. Once we start talking to each other again. I kid. Sort of. 🙂
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Hey that looks great!
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Thank Ted. Update, all the tiles are down in both bathrooms and we are laughing at the day. Sort of. 🙂
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And this is why I am happy to live in an apartment where we have a super do all the aggravation work like this!
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Dear God! This our rental duplex. You could have had a nice new bathroom! 🙂
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I realllllly want a video post where you re-enact these things. You two must have a YouTube channel.
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Ha! Ha! I can’t imagine a YouTube channel with our potty mouths.
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That’s one of your funniest! I was sure that at some point you two were going to call a professional tile-putter-oner. But you guys stuck it out, and even coined a new word in the process.
Great fun!!
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Thanks. Yesterday was all about measuring and cutting, then measuring and cutting, repeat. We had to behave as the renters were there. 🙂
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OMG. This was the best read for a Monday morning! I love the backsplash. (And, is/was tiling the bathrooms truly the same experience? If so, did you create any new words? I’m looking to expand my vocabulary ….)
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Thanks Cindi. Maybe you would like to hire the Smiths for a room? The flooring was much much easier than the wall. We are down to touch ups. If my brother hadn’t have showed up to help with plumbing, and electrical, we would still be there. YIKES! 🙂
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You two do good work – what do you charge?
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You are too kind. Let me see, the cost of marriage counselling. Sound fair?? 🙂
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Good one, Shelly!!
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Ha! Ha! Thanks. Almost reached the finish line and we’re talking. No long silences.
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You two are funny, the title of the blog says “still married”, man, it is a give and take. And in this post,……you just tortured your husband.
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Things are rarely as easy as they appear to be. But the end result does look good!
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Awww thanks Eric. Honestly an A+ effort with a B result. The floor was way way easier! 🙂
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Lol, I am glad that you are still married. I have to say, for your first tile job, you choose to do the WALL, and then you do so MUCH tile. Ha, it is amazing you are still married. 😀
Glad you can (sort of) laugh at the day.
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Hey Linda. It was awful. This project was a little bit easier except the walls were out 3/4’of an inch width and height. But we’re in the home stretch. Our mouths were more controlled as the renters were there. F@#k!!! 🙂
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Hahaha, get it all out, you WILL feel better. Tiling is the job from hell, in my opinion. My husband is the tiler. I just play go-fer for him.
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It looks good, though! And anyway, you’re still married, how bad could it have been?
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Thanks. It was about a B result with an A+ effort. Floor tiling is so much easier. 🙂
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Good to know. 🙂
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Everything looks better in the end, Shelley! (A little alcohol doesn’t hurt either!!) Smiles, Robin
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Yes indeed. There is nothing a nice glass of red wine can’t cure. 🙂
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