I May Vomit

2014-07-27 13.49.22

What Shelley Thinks: Happy thoughts. She’s making a sale.

What Shelley Says: Sooo… $175 for the desk, take away $19 for the returned handles, plus $8.50 for the paint brush, add your 12% tax and that comes to $184.24.


What Shelley Thinks: Same as above.

What Shelley Says: Bring Cash, what BC stands for, right? Ha! Ha! Ha!


What Shelley Thinks: Happy thoughts-ish.

What Shelley Says: Would you like to pay in cash, charge or debit?

Customer: I’m sorry but I think you’ve over charged me.

What Shelley Thinks: No more happy thoughts. Not one.

What Shelley Says: Oh no, I’m pretty sure I have it right. I phoned my owner to double check how I should enter the prices.

Customer: (Takes out her iPhone calculator, presses buttons) In fact, I’m out $2.28. Maybe you could cancel the transaction and ring it in again.

What Shelley Thinks: What? No! I don’t know how to cancel transactions.

What Shelley Says: Of course.

2014-07-27 13.49.28

(Randomly punches buttons) Let’s start again. $175 for the desk, take away $19 for the returned handles, plus $8.50 for the paint brush, add your 12% tax and the grand total is… $184.24.

Customer: No. It’s still not right. Look. (Taps in prices, adds tax) You’re $2.28 short….

What Shelley Thinks: Maybe she is right. F@#K! F@#K! F@#K!

What Shelley Says: Why don’t I phone my boss and double check?

Customer: Thank you. (Re-enters the numbers)

What Shelley Thinks: Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. For the love of God, Brenda, pick up. Yes!

What Shelley Says: Hi, I just want to double check that I am charging the customer correctly. Sooo… $175 for the desk, take away $19 for the returned handles, plus $8.50 for the paint brush, add your 12% tax and that comes to $184.24.

Brenda: You got it.

What Shelley Thinks: Ha! Ha! Should never have doubted myself.

What Shelley Says: My boss says that the math is correct. Let me show you.

2014-07-27 19.01.48

Customer: That’s not right. (Recalculates on her phone) Look. What do you think?

What Shelley Thinks: Shelley thinks nothing. Absolutely nothing. Shelley’s mind is 100% blank. Shelley hates math. Math hates Shelley.

What Shelley Says: One moment. Ah… Brenda… the… ah, customer says that she, ah, will be out of pocket. Ah. Ah. Ah…

2014-07-27 13.49.36

Brenda: Do you want me to speak to her?

What Shelley Thinks: Is the Pope Catholic?

What Shelley Says: If you don’t mind.

Brenda: If I refund you 100% and then charge you for the desk, it will be the same thing as subtracting the $19.

Customer: No, I don’t think so. I would like the refund first, then pay for the desk.

Brenda: OK, not a problem. Can you pass the phone back to Shelley? Shelley, you said you wanted this job because it would be fun. Are you having fun yet?

What Shelley Thinks: Fun? “This” is not fun. This is fun.

2014-04-04 13.35.04And this.
2014-07-27 11.07.46 And this.2014-07-27 12.17.52And this.
2014-07-27 17.28.05-2 And, of course, this.2014-07-27 19.39.18

What Shelley Says: Ha! Ha! Ha! You bet.

Brenda: Here’s what we can do. Open the till. Give her a cash refund, then enter the new merchandise. Call me if there’s still a problem.

What Shelley Thinks: How? How do I open this till?

What Shelley Says: Of course. (Randomly punches buttons) Here’s your refund of $21.28. And… $175 plus $8.50 plus 12% tax comes to $184.24. How would you like to pay?

Customer: Visa please. (Continues to enter the prices and tax) Nope. They don’t come out equal. Oh well, I have my refund and my desk and brush. Thank you. I hope this wasn’t a problem.

What Shelley Thinks: I may vomit.

What Shelley Says: Not at all. My pleasure. The customer’s always right.

Customer: (Taps in the numbers one more time. As she reaches the door, stops, turns and…) Hey, what do you know? Your boss was correct. The total’s the same regardless of how I’m refunded.

2014-07-27 13.49.46

Shelley and John




38 thoughts on “I May Vomit

  1. I used to work on the checkout too and would hate customers like that. Or even worse, those who tried to pay for something with part cash, card and in sine cases, vouchers too! Sorry. Coupons.


    • Oh God! I am picturing myself attempting that one. Nope, I’ve got nothing. Can you hear me tap tap tapping on the register. Thankfully we are heading north for a few days of camping and salmon fishing. 🙂


      • Oh man, stop it. My friend (actually she’s from one of the stories, Emma?) is in Canada at the moment and keeps sending me pictures of the wilderness… Now with you mentioning camping and fishing, I’m dying here!

        By the way, has John downloaded the book yet? I’m feeling no love from Amazon.ca haha

        No pressure of course.


      • John’s off for a National Rugby tournament for a week. I have your book ready to read. Can’t wait. Should I give daily responses???


      • Is he playing or watching?

        And as for the book; huzzah. Thanks Shelley. Ha. As awesome as that would be, I’m OK. Though if you were able to leave a review online, I would be most grateful.

        Assuming you enjoy it of course! Now I’ll let you get back to breaking that cash till.


      • He’s managing a youth team in Calgary. As for the book, we weren’t able to download it, so hard back it is. If I pass it around after, sadly it will eat into your profits. What to do!!! No work until Thursday. Maybe I’ll forget to unlock the door like I did last week. Couldn’t figure out why there weren’t any customers. Ak.


  2. “What Shelley Thinks: Shelley thinks nothing. Absolutely nothing. Shelley’s mind is 100% blank. Shelley hates math. Math hates Shelley.” Substitute “Cindi” for “Shelley” and you have my entire elementary, middle, and high school experience summed up.

    I’m also so with you in your wine photo … We’re either sisters with different parents, or friends from a previous life.

    And this: “Hey, what do you know? Your boss was correct.” If I’d been in the store witnessing this, I probably would have passive-aggressively pointed out to her that *you* were right first.

    Working in retail is EXHAUSTING. Props to you!


    • Dear Sister,
      We are definitely related. As you are math challenged, you get it, you really get it! 🙂 The wine helped. I told my dad the story and he said I should have just given her the whole whopping $2.28.


  3. Hilarious!! I have the same relationship with math. I used to have a job where occasionally I had to calculate the area of a hole in the ground in order to help customers figure out how much gravel they needed (don’t ask). One day I spilled coffee all over my go-to formula. It was bad. I left a guy on hold for robs while I attempted to figure it out. I finally had to call a math-brained friend to get me out of that pickle. Great job staying cal since she was right in front of you!! Geesh


  4. Geez, excuse my autocorrect above. Actually these were for big commercial jobs, though I couldn’t figure out fence posts either. I could write a book about that job — I even had a hard hat and work boots. Yeah…nuts!


    • You know, it reminded me of parent teacher conferences when parents demanded their kids get A+ regardless. Ak. Ak. Ak. Fishing is way less stressful. Well except for today when my line tangles as the salmon jumped 20 metres in front of me. 😦


  5. SUCH fun! Customer service is SUCH FUN! I had SUCH fun today too! Really really FUN customers.
    ‘What can I make you.’
    ‘I want that iced drink they make at Dunkin’ Doughnuts…it’s really sweet.’
    ‘What’s in it?”
    (Customer, mightily offended and huffy) “I don’t know. It’s coffee and it’s sweet.’
    I make a double americano with 5 (FIVE raw sugars in it) and pour it over ice.
    Customer: ‘This doesn’t have milk in it. Dunkin’ Doughnuts iced coffee has milk. And it’s sweet.”
    Me. mightily cheerful and wishing my barrettes were drones that could lift off from my head and drop teeny tiny bombs on her) ‘There’s cream and milk right there on that table.’
    ‘This doesn’t look like the right thing.’ (Line is getting ridiculously long behind her and she knows it)
    Me: “I can add the cream for you, if you like’ (Or start the barrage and set your hair on fire with teeny tiny incendiary devices.)
    ‘No…I can do it.”(She’s back at huffy-then, moments later she thanks my tall, male, young handsome co-worker for making such a good iced coffee-I see her head explode. I feel good.)


  6. Customers. And maths. People are not always that good at it. But at least she realised in the end *and she admitted her mistake* so that’s always good.

    I had a client try to tell me the other week that a thing that happens 25% of the time is not “common”. She did not admit I had a point. I don’t know – if my neighbour kicked me one out of every four times I left the house I would pretty much say it was happening *allthetime*.


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