Who’s Your Mama?

I’m sure many of you already know that: “The BNP Paribas Open, held in Indian Wells Tennis Garden from March 3 through March 16, 2014 is classified as an ATP World Tour Masters 1000 event on the 2014 ATP World Tour and a Premier Mandatory event on the 2014 WTA Tour.” Wikipedia. However, I’m not sure how many of you are aware that admission is free…

Ak Ak Ak

Puerto Penasco, Mexico “Seattle Seahawks poncho? $65. Denver Broncos? $1 “Cigars? Want to buy some cigars? You don’t smoke? Well today’s the day to start.”“Are you looking for me? You found me. For movie stars, half price.” Dad, mom, John and I enjoying the sunset at Malacon, Puerto Penasco, Mexico Mom: Are you going to get…

Butt Hole

Mom: Roy, you’re turn. Relax everyone. This may take a while. Shelley: Why do we play “Butt Hole” when we know it takes hours to play? John: Should I start breakfast? Mom, Shelley and John: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Dad: Why is it always, “Pile on Roy” time whenever it’s my turn? No one makes…

Let the Games Begin

Shelley: Mmmmmmmmhmmmmm. This chili is going to be goooood. Mom: It’s not too hot, is it? Your dad can’t eat hot chili. Shelley: Not at all. Mom: How about mushrooms? I like mushrooms in my chili. Shelley: Yep. Mom: Oh that’s good. Did you use the entire can of home made tomatoes that Jenny (my sister-in-law) gave you?…

Your Parents are Fun Your Parents are Crazy

Now that John and I are back on the road, mealtimes are just not the same without my parents… Dad: I need to take down the upstairs fan. Has anyone seen my screwdriver? Mom: I’m going to make chicken soup out of the left over chicken bones. Shelley: You mean out of the left over…

Imagine if you Tried to Wipe your Ass With Nails That Long

Day 111, December 16th, 2013 Setting: Shelley and her mom are sitting at the nail drying table making small talk to a very conservative middle aged lady they have never ever laid eyes on. Mom: The other day I saw this woman on TV with nails this long. Conservative lady sitting next to my mom: My…

I’m not Mad, I’m Scared

John: OK, we’re 35 minutes in. Should we turn around? Shelley: No. It won’t be any fun back tracking on the same route. Let’s hike down that gully, then cut back to the truck. John: I don’t see a trail. Shelley: We don’t need a trail. Come on. It’ll be an adventure. John: (Mumbling, but starting…

Happy Birthday to Youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

Everyone: Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday Dear Annnndreeeeuuuwwwwww!!!!!! Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!! Andrew: Touring Hollywood, watching a Major League Baseball game with the Angels playing the Dodgers , playing tennis, free champagne at Polo, hiking Painted Canyon and Thousand Palms, hanging out at Manhattan Beach and a birthday party. Wow. Thanks everyone.…

UnF@#$ingbelievable

Mom: I wonder how much it costs to camp here? John: Lake Perris costs 45 dollars per night. Mom: Are there any discounts? John: No discounts. Mom: Really? John: Really. Dad: What about if you’re a member of BCAA? John: No. Shelley: Thousand Trails? John: Nope. Mom: Outdoor World? John: Aaaaannnnnd “No.” Dad: Encore? John: Still a “No.” Shelley: RPI?…

So There We Were, Just Starting to Watch “I Am Number Four” and…

Mom: What’s this called? John: “I Am Number Four.” Mom: Is this a Comedy? John: No. Mom: But I like Comedies. What’s it about? Dad: Val, how are we supposed to know? We haven’t seen it. Mom: Is he speaking english? Shelley: Yes. Mom: Well, I can’t understand him. John: Definitely english. Mom: What did he…

Honey Did you See That?

I retired at 50 something, returned to North America and began blogging. All posts are 100% true, except when they're not funny enough, or when I can't remember the details. Menopause is heartless. Huge thanks to my comic book writing son, Matt, my Header designer.

My Mom and Dad