Are you There God? It’s me, Shelley, the Drywall Queen

 

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DSCN1571Actually, Peter, our first friend in the Comox Valley, bestowed me with this honourable title, “Shelley, the Drywall Queen.”

(BTW, it’s true he’s our first friend in the Comox Valley, because when I said, “Peter, you are our first friend in the Comox Valley.” He did not say,” No, I’m not.” )

Anyway, I don’t deserve the honour. I deserve

“SHELLEY WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD DID YOU DO THIS TIME QUEEN?”

(John could also go by the same title.) It’s not that we don’t try our best, but we are not suited to drywalling. It’s just so  freakin’ finicky. YOU CAN’T JUST RUSH THROUGH DRYWALLING IN THE TRADITIONAL SMITH WAY.  EVERY PONDEROUS STEP HAS TO BE PERFECT. PERFECT!!!!

STEP 1: MEASURE…

measure

John: Shelley, mark down 15 and 1/2 inches… I mean 16 and 1/2… No. Make that 17 and 1/2. 

Shelley: 11 and 13/16ths? Let’s make it an even 12.

John: Let’s see. The diameter of the pipe is 4. And the circumference is 20. It’s 5 inches to this side of the pipe. So… that means from the edge to the far side is 10 inches. No. 12. Wait. No.

John: That’s 18/16ths. 

OUR FIRST FRIEND IN THE COMOX VALLEY, PETER: COFFEE BREAK!!!

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STEP 2: CUT…

Shelley: It’s too narrow.

John: It’s too wide.

Shelley: It’s too short.

John: It’s too…

OUR FIRST FRIEND IN THE COMOX VALLEY, PETER: COFFEE BREAK!!!

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STEP 2: CUT CONTINUED…

Shelley: There’s supposed to be a hole cut out? Where?

John: Leave it. That hole is in the corner. Peter will never notice.

Shelley: What hole’s in the wrong place? This one? No? This one?

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John: That hole isn’t too small. It’s fine.

Shelley: That hole isn’t too big. It’s fine.

John: The notch for the electrical wire should go right about…. there. No? There?  How about there?

Shelley: Shhhhhhhh. Not so loud. Of course gum will hold the crumbling drywall together.

John: Let’s cut the holes out after we screw in the drywall. That will be so much easier.

Shelley: Mother of God! I just measured and cut everything backwards… GOD DAMN… WHAT? I DON’T CARE IF PETER MIGHT NOT SWEAR!!!! FRIENDS FORGIVE….  IT!!

PETER OUR FIRST FRIEND IN THE COMOX VALLEY: LUNCH!!!

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STEP 3: SCREW IN THE DRYWALL…

John: Of course you know what a stud is. Just tell me, are they 10 or 16 inches apart?

Shelley: That screw was super easy to put in. It’s because I missed the stud? Oh.

John:  Ahhhh… Wrong screws in the outside wall. And… the connecting wall. And… the inside wall.

Shelley: For the connecting walls aren’t we supposed to miss the studs and attach the screws to the brackets? Or is it the other way around?

John: The drywall just bubbled. Quick. Pass me a hammer. I’ll hammer it back in.

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John and Shelley:  Yayyyyyy! After 3 days, the bedroom is done. Let’s show Peter. Hang on a sec. Aren’t the factory ends supposed to butt up against each other?

OUR FIRST FRIEND IN THE COMOX VALLEY, PETER: COFFEE BREAK!!!

DSCN1543 So, God, if you REALLY are out there, please, please have all the drywalling finished by the next time we help Habitat for Humanity.

Shelley and John

Amen.

Shelley and John
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