Oh No She Didn’t

In order to visit “The Wave” in Utah, you must enter a lottery. Ten people, per day, are allowed to hike the area. John and I dutifully filled in our form, sat down with the hundred or so other hopefuls and were not selected. We decided not to try again because, well because, we were afraid the following would happen…

"The Wave, Utah" Diana Thai

“The Wave, Utah” Diana Thai

Day 1…

Shelley: Good afternoon. My husband and I would like to enter the lottery for “The Wave.”

Bureau of Land Management Employee: The draw takes place at 9:00 every morning. If you are still interested, I suggest you show up by 8:30 tomorrow morning so you have plenty of time to complete your application.

Day 2…

Shelley: Hi. I spoke to you yesterday about throwing our names in for “The Wave Lottery.”

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Unfortunately ma’am you’re an hour late. We’re on Central Mountain Time.

Day 3…

IMG_7924

Shelley: Whoa. It’s already filling up. John, I’ll block everyone while you scoot to the front.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Relax ma’am. It’s a lottery. Everyone gets to apply. Everyone.

Day 4…

Shelley: Here you go.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: And here you go. The rules explicitly state one application per couple. Both of you are disqualified. Next.

Day 5…

Shelley: Holy S#$T! There must be over a hundred and fifty people here. Our odds are terrible… one in fifteen, maybe?

Bureau of Land Management Employee: No ma’am. Today is a new record, there are two hundred and twenty-seven applicants. Your odds are way way worse.

Day 6…

IMG_7932

Bureau of Land Management Employee and Shelley: Twen-teeee-

Shelley: Two.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: One.

Shelley: What? No! I lost my concentration. This lady next to me took her shoes off and put her gross dirty feet on the chair. I vote a do over.

Euuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!

Euuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!

Day 7…

Shelley: John, today is our lucky day. Want to know why? It’s because I have the feeling. You know that special feeling I get when I know I’m going to win. I had it when I won “The Suitcase Party” in Thailand. Sorry I took Toni instead of you. And I had it when I won the cruise. I took you on that one. You’re welcome.

IMG_7930

Today, Ms. BLM is going to call my lucky number, thirty-six. Thirrrrrrty-six. You know why that’s one of my lucky numbers, don’t you? Heh. Heh. Heh. (Whispers) My wanna be bra size. Here we go. Here we friggin’ go. We are going to win the lottery today. I can feel it. Yes sir. Yes sir. Thirty-six.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Thirty-one… thirty-two… thirty-three… thirty-four… thirty-five. Application number thirty-five, you have six people on your form. Does everyone in your group still want a permit?… Yes? That concludes today’s lottery. Thank you.

Shelley: Wait a second here. We are not done yet. Not even close. Everyone back to your seats. Only five forms have been selected. According to my math, five more have to be drawn.  Sit down. Sir, I’m talking to you, too. Thank you. Please continue.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Ma’am, if I may draw your attention to this sign.

lzk;sjdh;

Day 8…

Shelley: Guten tag. Ich bin Deutsch. Zis ees ze drie time I have flown from Deutchland fur ze Wave Lottery. How can ve make this work?

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Here you go, Shelley from Canada.

Day 9…

Shelley: Here’s the thing. I have been trying to be a guest on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” for four years. It’s become an obsession. Some would say a disease. If you don’t sell me a permit, I’ll never ever get to the chance to dance on her show. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you? You’ve got to help me out. Please.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Here’s your form. Next.

Day 10…

Shelley: Do you know who I am?

Bureau of Land Management Employee: You’re Shelley.

Shelley: Nooooo. I’m Ellen DeGeneres. Yes, that Ellen DeGeneres. I’m here to film a segment for “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” on “The Wave.”  Unfortunately I only have one day to film. Any tips before we head to the location?

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Bureau of Land Management Employee: Only one. Fill in this application and have a seat, Ellen.

Day 11…

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Thank you all for coming. If your name wasn’t drawn, you are more than welcome to return tomorrow. Any questions or comments? Sigh. Shelley?

Shelley: For the past eleven days my husband and I have stayed in this God forsaken town hoping and praying our names would be drawn. During that time we have hiked every bloody trail, visited every museum, store and park in a fifty mile radius.

Horseshoe Bend on the Colorado River

Horseshoe Bend on the Colorado River, Arizona

Pink Coral Sands, Utah

Coral Pink Sand Dunes State Park, Utah

Little Hollywood Movie Museum, Kanab, Utah

Little Hollywood Movie Museum, Kanab, Utah

Hiking around Kanab, Utah. Supposed to be just over two hours. We became lost... over fours hours.

Hiking around Kanab, Utah. Supposed to be just over two hours. We became lost… over fours hours.

We even played golf on your executive golf course. FYI  with the average hole being 500 yards, it is not an executive golf course.

IMG_7974

We even had time to meet up with friends we used to teach with at the American School in Japan. Actually that was a great night although I had a wee headache the next morning from the red wine.

John, Shelley, Evelyn and John

John, Shelley, Evelyn and John

Bureau of Land Management Employee: Do you have a point?

Shelley: I sure do. This Lottery is a conspiracy. A money grab. We were informed that “The Wave” hike has been limited to ten people per day because visitors disrespected it. Reallly? Then how come those same people don’t disrespect the Grand Canyon, or Bryce National Park not to mention Zion?

I’ll tell you why. BLM and Kanab have plotted together to fleece us tourists for as much money as they can. I’m so frustrated that I have half a mind to hike “The Wave” without a permit.

Bureau of Land Management Employee: I would advise you against that Ma’am. Hikers without permits are risking a three hundred dollar fine. Each.

Shelley: After staying in a local campground for eleven nights, at thirty-two dollars per day, plus groceries, plus gas for driving to different attractions, don’t forget having to cross the border to Arizona for my wine, who cares? Seriously, who cares? I don’t care. Do you care, John? No. John doesn’t care. We don’t care. That’s it. We’re out of here. We’re hiking “The Wave” with or without your stupid permit.

Oh No you Didn't!Bad Ass CuteShelley on John's shoulders surfingWhoops

Shelley and John, your volunteer reporters of “The Comox Valley Echo” signing off.

Stay tuned for an unscheduled visit to Vanvcouver Island.

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48 thoughts on “Oh No She Didn’t

  1. Wow, what a rude awakening to the finest in US Bureaucracy!!! So sorry for that, but that Wave looks awesome. I guess people truly are clamoring to get in there!

    PS: Your Photoshop skills are aMAYzing! 😀

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    • Linda, I still swear it’s a money grab. In actual fact, a Dutch man flew over twice to see it and still had no luck. In the end he took a chance and wasn’t caught. $300 bucks is nothing compared to his flight. Jeesh. Ha ha ha my sons would cringe at my photoshop efforts. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Ha! Ha! Nice one. Quite honestly, we were going to go back and have a chat about the local hike they sent us out on. We started trail blazing. Made it out about a half hour before the sun went down. Oh boy. As for the lottery, I stand by what I said. A conspiracy! 🙂

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  2. Shelley That is way too funny!

    Now fill out the form and get back in line!

    Steve Doleman Activities Director Cell: (+86) 1391 738 0577 Blog: http://sites.saschina.org/pxactivities/

    Shanghai American School Puxi Campus 258 Jin Feng Road Huacao Town Minhang District Shanghai China 201107

    Phone:(+86 21) 6221 1445 ext 2578

    From: Honey Did you See That? <comment-reply@wordpress.com> Reply-To: Honey Did you See That? <comment+_inq9if3dvs__mje2cr9oao@comment.wordpress.com> Date: Friday, October 24, 2014 at 2:45 AM To: SAS <steve.doleman@saschina.org> Subject: [New post] Oh no She Didn’t

    Shelley posted: “In order to visit “The Wave” in Utah, you must enter a lottery. Ten people, per day, are allowed to hike the area. John and I dutifully filled in our form, sat down with the hundred or so other hopefuls and were not selected. We decided not to try again b”

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    • I can’t Steve. I just can’t. Also John says that if we throw down again and don’t win, I will lose it. And he says he doesn’t want to be there to witness my meltdown.

      Like

  3. Your last few photos are hilarious! Glad I wasn’t drinking a bit of red wine when I saw them; I’d need a new laptop, or at least heavy-duty cleaner.

    And, just a “wee” headache?! 🙂

    I hope your unscheduled visit to Vancouver Island is for good things …

    Like

    • I based the German attempt on a story about a Dutch man who actually flew over twice and entered every day while there. His name was never drawn. He actually said, “To hell with it.” and snuck in. Never did get caught!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahaha Shelley !!! The so-not-obvious-Photoshop pictures are hilarious ! Sorry that you didn’t get to visit despite all the trying. But eh at least you tried your best ! ❤

    Btw I'm just curious, Don't know much about that place, why are only a selective number of people are allowed to see that place? What's so special about it that not everyone can go ? 🙂

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    • I am an A+ photoshopper for sure! 🙂 From what a local told me, people were leaving their garbage everywhere. Not convinced if that is true or not (Still believe it’s a money grab) but if it is true, am wondering why all the other big tourist stops haven’t had the same problem.

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  5. The fine sure sounds like a better option. As long as they aren’t threatening jail time. Wait a minute. No wine? Really? Is that the whole state? Holy crap. I might have job applications to withdraw! Hugs! 🙂

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    • Actually you can buy low percent beer in the grocery stores and if you can find a gov’t liquor store, you’re all set. We didn’t find one in Kanab, hence the trip to Arizona. We bought in a roadside bar… you know the one that when strangers walk in, the music screeches to a halt and the locals stop moving drinks half way to their mouths. Soo funny. And, yes, a little bit scary!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Right? I’m for actually sneaking in. John says I have no idea what American prisons are like and then urges me to watch, “Orange is the new Black.” Are you with me?

      Like

  6. One day I’m hoping to go to Utah. It’s on my bucket list. And the wave looks scary when looking at it as a place to walk around. I’m not sure what’s scarier, the waves themselves or getting lost in them!

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    • Well actually, now that you mentioned it, the way to “The Waves” is now very secretive. They don’t distribute maps and the lucky so and so’s that win the lottery are given a guideline with land marks. The day before we applied, the BLM service had to do a search and rescue. Next year, we’ll risk it and just go. If they try to catch us, we’ll try to out run them . You know like people do when the Zombies are chasing them. 🙂

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  7. I needed this crazy post to get me smiling! ha ha ha! You never are boring over here, I just so rarely get around to visiting… sorry but you know my heart is in the right place, Shelley! hugs!

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    • Oh thank you so much for having a good read. I really appreciate the time you took to spend some time here. As for my photoshopping skills, definitely cringe worthy. Unbelievably we met a family on the Baja who won the lottery first time. They had no idea how lucky they were. Whatever! 🙂

      Like

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