Dear Ellen DeGeneres, Don’t fry Bacon Naked

Split Rock camp ground, Joshua Tree

Dear Ellen DeGeneres,

Well, well, well, thank God for nieces. That’s right. Without the eagle eye of my gorgeous, clever niece, MIchelle,

Michelle, with one of our younger nieces, Taylor. Yep, she made Andrew and Ash’s wedding cake!

the opportunity to submit my application to Win Tickets to Ellen’s Birthday Show would have passed me by. I clicked on that link faster than a speeding bullet, which means with Superman speed, which means I should have been in your audience. Slam dunk, right? But nooooo, I was not in your audience. Do you want to know why, Ellen? Because I was too late. The contest was already closed. Within minutes. Am thinking seconds. Closed! Now Ellen, I am not one to use profanity, but seriously,

What.

The

F#$K????

It’s taken me three months to calm down enough to write to you. Even now, I’m not 100% over my acute disappointment, but Ellen, I’m going to take the high road and pretend that I completed the application and won tickets to your show. I’m also going to pretend that not only did I win tickets to your show, I’m going to pretend that John and I appeared as your guests. That’s right. As your guests.

Ellen: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from Joshua Tree National Park, Shelley and John! Shelley and John dance in. The crowd goes wild.

Shelley: Thank you so much for having us on your show. You probably don’t know this but we’ve applied to be on your show nine times.

Ellen: Wow. Some people might consider nine attempts stalking.

Shelley: Really? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ellen: How long have you and John been on the road?

Shelley: 199 days. And we’re still happily married. Right, Honey? John: Right. Ellen: Did you just look at your arm before answering my question?

Shelley: Yes, because whenever I get nervous, my mind goes blank and I can’t remember anything. I’ve actually forgotten John’s name before. Right, Honey?

John: Right.

Shelley: So, I wrote important facts on my arm.

Ellen: Can I take a look?

Shelley: Sure.

Ellen: Andrew and Ash, Matthew and Emma?

Shelley: My kids and their significant others.

Ash, Andrew, Matt, and Emma

Ellen: You’re worried that you might forget the your kids’ names?

Shelley: You never know.

Ellen: What else is on there?

Shelley: Survival tips for being on the road, such as take the time to stop and smell the flowers. And when you pack up the RV, don’t rush. This one time, we drove down the hills surrounding San Diego, onto a seven lane highway without connecting the brakes and signal lights to our fifth wheel. Everyone was honking and waving at us. We couldn’t believe how friendly everyone was. Right, Honey?

John: Right.

Shelley: And of course, all the usual couple stuff, like laugh, have fun, race road runners,

Beep! Beep!

 respect and support each other,

be loving, find your zen,

communicate, have a nap before you reach this level.

And when you do argue, because, let’s face it, when you live in less than 200 square feet, for just over 6 months, it’s going to happen, don’t bring up stuff from the past. Ha! Ha! I’m lying. I say, throw it all out there.

“No Rules Arguing”

is the best. But do make up before bedtime, so you don’t head to bed mad. Otherwise you could end up sleeping in separate beds.

Mind you, if that does happen, try to end the argument while standing in the bedroom. That way you get the good bed. Trust me on that one.

Ellen: Well isn’t that…

Shelley: But really, it’s the little things that could turn your adventure into a nightmare, like forgetting to close the screen door, not turning on the fan after number two. John: No! Shelley!

Shelley: I guess that’s really for me, because John usually uses the public toilets. Bless him. I try to avoid them at all costs as you never know who’s been there and what they’ve left behind. Especially those port-a-potties. Blechhhh!! Oh and I almost forgot, replace the toilet roll, chew slowly and quietly because, honestly, I hate hearing someone chew. Don’t you, Ellen?

Ellen: Ahh, yes?

Shelley: Do something for others, such as donate money, participate in a walk to end Alzheimers.

Make sure you exercise not only your body, but your mind. We like the easy to moderate sudoku and word puzzles. That way you feel like a rock star when you succeed. Speaking of rock stars, during excruciatingly long road trips, do whatever it takes to keep your sanity; sing, read, write, listen to NPR, pod casts, discuss every member of your family and friends’ lives ad nauseum, solve all of the world’s problems, plan the future. However, do not, under any circumstances, plan the future while climbing.

Ellen: Because?

Shelley: Because nothing is more disconcerting than reaching for a hold as your husband wonders aloud whether or not we should buy our new toilet from Home Depot. John: Once. I did it once. And I apologized.

Shelley: Pretty sure you’ve done it more than once.

John: Jesus Christ! Shelley.

Shelley: Ha! Ha! You swore. I forgot. Have swearing contests. I always win. Well, almost always. Right, Honey?

John:…

Ellen: Wow! I want to thank you both for joining me on my birthday.

Shelley: Wait! I’m not finished. (Double time) Try new things like mixing peroxide with Arm and Hammer to whiten your teeth.

   Have your lunch on top of the crag,

Wear sunblock. Always bring snacks and drinks with you. Always. Or else…

Whenever possible, sit by the campfire.

John: You’ve sat by a campfire less than half a dozen times.

Shelley: That’s because it’s too cold outside.

John: That doesn’t make any sense.

Shelley: It does to me.

Ellen: We really are out of time.

Shelley: (Rapid fire.) Understand and accept there are no long horn sheep in the southwestern United States. So, don’t waste your time searching for them. Ditto for grey whales. Always talk to strangers as you never know who’ll you meet.

Patrick John Bulger, 1968 and 1972 Olympic Wrestler, his wife, Donna, friend __Ole Sorensen (His son is Cody from this year’s Olympic bobsled team, the one that flipped!!) and

and make sure you acknowledge everyone who took the time to read, like, comment, follow and share your posts. Don’t forget to thank fellow bloggers who nominated you for Blogging awards. Do this in a timely fashion. If not, sincerely apologize. I sincerely apologize to:

Jadi Campbell, from “Jadicampbell” for the “One Lovely Blog Award”

Deb, creator of “Mywearymind” for the “The Lighthouse Award”

Ves, author of “Rushhourrant” for “The Sunshine Award”

Mike, writer of “The Eye-Dancers”  for “The 2013 Blog of the Year Award”

for not responding to your nominations in a timely fashion. And, I sincerely apologize, again, for not following the rules by not paying it forward to specific bloggers. To copy Mike, I nominate all of the bloggers out there who had the guts to start blogging and carved out time in their day to read others’ efforts. Cheers! (Please check out these blogs.) And…

Ha! Ha! I couldn’t resist including this. Last but not least, a heart felt thanks to you, Ellen, for finally allowing me to be a guest on your show. At last I can happily sleep at night because dreams do come true and John can check your show off his list.

Right, Honey? John: Right.

Thanks to John, you can now check out our interactive map here  to see where we’ve travelled. Or have a look below. The green marker is for Joshua Tree National Park.  Also, All photos except for the terrible attempt at photo shopping are from Joshua Tree National Park.

Shelley and John Ellen Photo: www.hollywoodreporter.com

Day 199, March 12th, 2014