Dear Ellen DeGeneres,
Well, well, well, thank God for nieces. That’s right. Without the eagle eye of my gorgeous, clever niece, MIchelle,
the opportunity to submit my application to Win Tickets to Ellen’s Birthday Show would have passed me by. I clicked on that link faster than a speeding bullet, which means with Superman speed, which means I should have been in your audience. Slam dunk, right? But nooooo, I was not in your audience. Do you want to know why, Ellen? Because I was too late. The contest was already closed. Within minutes. Am thinking seconds. Closed! Now Ellen, I am not one to use profanity, but seriously,
What.
The
F#$K????
It’s taken me three months to calm down enough to write to you. Even now, I’m not 100% over my acute disappointment, but Ellen, I’m going to take the high road and pretend that I completed the application and won tickets to your show. I’m also going to pretend that not only did I win tickets to your show, I’m going to pretend that John and I appeared as your guests. That’s right. As your guests.
Ellen: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from Joshua Tree National Park, Shelley and John! Shelley and John dance in. The crowd goes wild.
Shelley: Thank you so much for having us on your show. You probably don’t know this but we’ve applied to be on your show nine times.
Ellen: Wow. Some people might consider nine attempts stalking.
Shelley: Really? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ellen: How long have you and John been on the road?
Shelley: 199 days. And we’re still happily married. Right, Honey? John: Right. Ellen: Did you just look at your arm before answering my question?
Shelley: Yes, because whenever I get nervous, my mind goes blank and I can’t remember anything. I’ve actually forgotten John’s name before. Right, Honey?
John: Right.
Shelley: So, I wrote important facts on my arm.
Ellen: Can I take a look?
Shelley: Sure.
Ellen: Andrew and Ash, Matthew and Emma?
Shelley: My kids and their significant others.
Ellen: You’re worried that you might forget the your kids’ names?
Shelley: You never know.
Ellen: What else is on there?
Shelley: Survival tips for being on the road, such as take the time to stop and smell the flowers. And when you pack up the RV, don’t rush. This one time, we drove down the hills surrounding San Diego, onto a seven lane highway without connecting the brakes and signal lights to our fifth wheel. Everyone was honking and waving at us. We couldn’t believe how friendly everyone was. Right, Honey?
John: Right.
Shelley: And of course, all the usual couple stuff, like laugh, have fun, race road runners,
respect and support each other,
be loving, find your zen,
communicate, have a nap before you reach this level.
And when you do argue, because, let’s face it, when you live in less than 200 square feet, for just over 6 months, it’s going to happen, don’t bring up stuff from the past. Ha! Ha! I’m lying. I say, throw it all out there.
“No Rules Arguing”
is the best. But do make up before bedtime, so you don’t head to bed mad. Otherwise you could end up sleeping in separate beds.
Mind you, if that does happen, try to end the argument while standing in the bedroom. That way you get the good bed. Trust me on that one.
Ellen: Well isn’t that…
Shelley: But really, it’s the little things that could turn your adventure into a nightmare, like forgetting to close the screen door, not turning on the fan after number two. John: No! Shelley!
Shelley: I guess that’s really for me, because John usually uses the public toilets. Bless him. I try to avoid them at all costs as you never know who’s been there and what they’ve left behind. Especially those port-a-potties. Blechhhh!! Oh and I almost forgot, replace the toilet roll, chew slowly and quietly because, honestly, I hate hearing someone chew. Don’t you, Ellen?
Ellen: Ahh, yes?
Shelley: Do something for others, such as donate money, participate in a walk to end Alzheimers.
Make sure you exercise not only your body, but your mind. We like the easy to moderate sudoku and word puzzles. That way you feel like a rock star when you succeed. Speaking of rock stars, during excruciatingly long road trips, do whatever it takes to keep your sanity; sing, read, write, listen to NPR, pod casts, discuss every member of your family and friends’ lives ad nauseum, solve all of the world’s problems, plan the future. However, do not, under any circumstances, plan the future while climbing.
Ellen: Because?
Shelley: Because nothing is more disconcerting than reaching for a hold as your husband wonders aloud whether or not we should buy our new toilet from Home Depot. John: Once. I did it once. And I apologized.
Shelley: Pretty sure you’ve done it more than once.
John: Jesus Christ! Shelley.
Shelley: Ha! Ha! You swore. I forgot. Have swearing contests. I always win. Well, almost always. Right, Honey?
John:…
Ellen: Wow! I want to thank you both for joining me on my birthday.
Shelley: Wait! I’m not finished. (Double time) Try new things like mixing peroxide with Arm and Hammer to whiten your teeth.
Have your lunch on top of the crag,
Wear sunblock. Always bring snacks and drinks with you. Always. Or else…
Whenever possible, sit by the campfire.
John: You’ve sat by a campfire less than half a dozen times.
Shelley: That’s because it’s too cold outside.
John: That doesn’t make any sense.
Shelley: It does to me.
Ellen: We really are out of time.
Shelley: (Rapid fire.) Understand and accept there are no long horn sheep in the southwestern United States. So, don’t waste your time searching for them. Ditto for grey whales. Always talk to strangers as you never know who’ll you meet.
and make sure you acknowledge everyone who took the time to read, like, comment, follow and share your posts. Don’t forget to thank fellow bloggers who nominated you for Blogging awards. Do this in a timely fashion. If not, sincerely apologize. I sincerely apologize to:
Jadi Campbell, from “Jadicampbell” for the “One Lovely Blog Award”
Deb, creator of “Mywearymind” for the “The Lighthouse Award”
Ves, author of “Rushhourrant” for “The Sunshine Award”
Mike, writer of “The Eye-Dancers” for “The 2013 Blog of the Year Award”
for not responding to your nominations in a timely fashion. And, I sincerely apologize, again, for not following the rules by not paying it forward to specific bloggers. To copy Mike, I nominate all of the bloggers out there who had the guts to start blogging and carved out time in their day to read others’ efforts. Cheers! (Please check out these blogs.) And…
Ha! Ha! I couldn’t resist including this. Last but not least, a heart felt thanks to you, Ellen, for finally allowing me to be a guest on your show. At last I can happily sleep at night because dreams do come true and John can check your show off his list.
Thanks to John, you can now check out our interactive map here to see where we’ve travelled. Or have a look below. The green marker is for Joshua Tree National Park. Also, All photos except for the terrible attempt at photo shopping are from Joshua Tree National Park.
Shelley and John Ellen Photo: www.hollywoodreporter.com
I LOVE THIS! How could she not want you guys on her show?! And yes — public restrooms are disgusting and porta-potties are just beyond gross. One day I’ll have to tell you the story about the joyous “Posh-Jonna’s” that Gil rented FOR OUR WEDDING — surprisingly un-posh.
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Thanks! No way you are getting away not telling the story about “Posh-Jonna’s.” Also, I’ve turned into such a Princess. When we lived in SE Asia, I would stick tissue up my nose, and Vicks on my upper lip, then get on with it. 🙂
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Congrats on being on The Ellen show! I am so jealous! Did you get a selfie with her? LOL. Great post and amazing pictures. A rock is not ‘just’ a rock huh? Most importantly, did you get a new toilet? 💩💩💩🚽🚽
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It was an experience of a life time. 🙂 No selfies. She was a bit jumpy when I got close. No new toilet, but the fan works great!
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Are you on Twitter??? I follow Ellen on Twitter and she seems so approachable! She should see your post. 🙂
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Of course I’m on Twitter. But do I check Twitter? Or really do anything but automatically post, guilty. But Dear Spanish teacher, you have guided me in the right direction. I’m off to post this on her account. But first I must befriend her, si? 🙂
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You can follow her all you want. The question is will she follow back? 🙂 I’m going to find you and follow you, amiga.
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Oh! I followed her and then tweeted her thanking her for having me on her show. Does that mean she didn’t get it? Follow me and I’ll follow you???
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What’s your handle? I’m @brickhousechica 🙂
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I have no idea. Wait! I’ll follow you first! How fun is this????
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I don’t mean love handle. I’m sure you don’t have any of those.
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Ha! Try, “Honey.” otherwise I have no idea. Just checked Ellen’s site. My tweet didn’t go up. Now she’ll never be my friend. Wahhhh!!
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She has a no reply thing so that other people’s posts don’t show up on her account. She probably got it but it doesn’t show up. 🙂
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Hmmm… Guess I’m off to her official page for my 9th attempt. Jeeeshhhh! As if people would be that rude to self promote! 🙂
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Haha, I loved this conversation so much! I too, am an auto-tweeter. I don’t check it much, unless someone tweets directly to me or follows me (miracle, lol). So anyway, not stalking, but just found and followed both of you! 😀
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Am rewriting this. Just followed you back. Everyone, lets’ just follow each other on Twitter too because… because… Why. Someone tell me why.:)
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Oh Shelley, apparently people go and look at Twitter on a regular basis, and I hear it’s good to have lots of followers. I only follow 100 others and there is no way I could keep up with all of it. But, we are doing what good bloggers are supposed to do, right???? That’s why. 😉
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Ahhh John would kill me if I added another layer. I follow maybe half a dozen but never look. 🙂
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Love it.
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Thanks! Just think, when we bond over beers when you visit to BC, you already know some survival tips. 🙂
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Fabulous! Ellen really missed out. WTF, Ellen?!
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Exactly! W. T. F???? I need to try for someone else’s show. This is definitely a dead end. Thanks for dropping by!
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Shelley, you and John are absolutely the best Ellen guests EVER!
Although I think you should talk to John about hogging the conversation like he does… 😀
PS Love the pics…I still wanna be living your life!
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Why thank you! It’s all I can do to get a word in with John. 🙂 Thanks for the pic love, am trying to learn not to have an expensive camera that I use as a point and shoot! 🙂
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“am trying to learn not to have an expensive camera that I use as a point and shoot!”
And what’s wrong with that??? 😉
Seriously, the pics were great and supported your points for surviving travel perfectly!
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Thanks for the positive feedback. Did you teach middle school because when I did, you had to keep everything super duper positive. Happiest place on earth!
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Haha, NO. I did not teach ANY kind of school, and my patience would last about 5 minutes with middle-schoolers.
I would not say I am a super-duper positive person, but your stories are fun, and the pics are good, so there. 😀
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🙂 Thanks!
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So mucho (had to get a piece of Spanish in) good ‘stuff” here! Joshua Tree is an extraordinary destination. Glad you got to experience it. Love the road sign graffiti! The photoshopped image of you and John on Ellen’s couch is exceptional. I can’t believe you haven’t heard from her ‘people’ yet! 199 days and counting. Wow, just wow! 🙂 And of course, closing with the bacon frying tip. Priceless.
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Why thank you, Eric. I saved the most important tip for last. When I was writing the post, John and I laughed at the idea of you trying to spin our argument style into an acceptable form! As for the photo shopping, ironically, I used a picture from her guests who were on “The Bachelor” The irony, non??? 🙂
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Yey! Congratulations, I knew it was just a matter of time before Ellen smartened up. 🙂 Love your list for happy cohabitation in tiny living spaces, and as always, your photos are gorgeous! By the way, we’ve done that “S*@t, forgot the plug!” thing too. Yikes!
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Thank you for your support on my ongoing quest to be on Ellen. 🙂 Now Brickhousechick has an idea, go to Ellen’s Twitter account and start following. I’m so doing that and then I’m going to post the link to this blog. Ha! ha! Ha! You must send me more RV tips now that we are back on the grid. 🙂 I need to look for a picture of that plug. Only half of it was left. S@#T is right. 🙂
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That clearly demonstrates that Ellen talks too much and does not give her guests a chance to speack
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Exactly! Thank you for pointing that out. She must be uber embarrassed! 🙂 Her show will never make it if she keep that up!
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This was prize worthy and you would make an excellent person to be interviewed by anyone famous, especially wish you could have made it onto the Ellen show! She would have gotten a kick out of your advice, your forgetting possibly the kids’ names, and other things you make amusing. Always! Sorry you got shut out within seconds or minutes… Smiles, Robin
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Why thank you Robin!! Can you believe that I was shut out so quickly? Whatever, I’m off to post this on her Twitter site. Will time how long it takes for her to remove it! Too funny. 🙂
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You had me at the subject. But you kept me with the post and images. I can always count on you to make me laugh!
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Ha! Ha! Thanks so much for stopping by. Am off to post on Ellen’s Twitter page. Should be fun. 🙂
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Well now I have to visit Twitter to see what you said…. 🙂
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Sigh. Apparently Ellen doesn’t post your tweets. What I said was, “Thank you for finally having John and I as your guests on your show.” Then, I added the link to the post. Nothing but crickets… Must try for someone else.
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I hate the sound of crickets. (Well, actually, I love the sound of crickets in nature. Just not when trying to get a response from someone!)
Have you tried her show’s Facebook page? It doesn’t look as if anything you post on your own shows up, but you can post in response to something her show has posted. 🙂
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Nice. I’m off to check it out.
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Just one comment: Are all the Mullens on your arm list? Including Lucky and Sona?? If not, pls edit.
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Toni, Let’s be honest. When, not if, we get on Ellen, you’ll be dancing in with John and me. I won’t need the list. You will!! 🙂
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Shelley, this post is absolutely hilarious! The photoshop picture was very well done (wish I knew how to do that!) and the pictures of the sights you are seeing and your adventures are gorgeous. I like that I am now a “creator”. Wow! I don’t believe I ever created anything but trouble! 🙂
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Ha! Ha! Thanks. Everyone needs a laugh. As for the photoshop, I’m positive my technique is not the right one. I lasso, copy and paste. Then I copy and paste sections of the same colour to cover up stuff. My techie sons are cringing. Of course you’re a creator. Anyone who has the cajones to push publish are creators!
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Just had dinner and a wonderful walk in Savannah, GA…talked to all sorts of people!! At least, I did!! While Tom hung off to the side!! 😀
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Pam! Don’t you love Savannah? Keep on talking to people. You never know, girl. Do the ghost tour????
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A great read — funny and fun, too ! thank you !!!!!! 🙂
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Thanks. Am so glad that you enjoyed it! I believe that any traveller could benefit from these survival travel tips.
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You two are too much!! This post goes beyond adjectives to describe!
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Thanks. I think. 🙂 Sadly, I think this is what reality would look like.
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LOLS. “But really, it’s the little things that could turn your adventure into a nightmare, like forgetting to close the screen door, not turning on the fan after number two.” The whole post had me rolling, but this one…oh my!
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Ha! Ha! Bathroom humour is almost a sure thing! Thanks for dropping by. Your FreerangeCow would have a blast on this trip! 🙂
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I’m not giving up! We’re going to get tickets to the Ellen Show some day! I’m positive she keeps our business cards on her desk just waiting for the right show to invite us to!
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Just became a follower on Twitter. Apparently she lets you tweet to her, but the tweets don’t show up on her feed. Whatever!!! Chelsea Lately???
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You guys are too, too charming and enjoyable. Your good natures pour through your posts.
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Aww thanks so much. Am sure that Ellen would feel the same way! 🙂
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You never fail to crack me up, fa reals. I think you should write her once more– 10th times the charm.
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Aussa, maybe I should meet up with you!!! That would be wayyyy more fun. 🙂
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Haha, Looks like you had pretty good IMAGINARY time with Ellen. Loved the post Shelley 🙂
P.S that picture with your and John’s face photo shopped on it was hilarious !
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Awww. Thanks so much for your kinds words. You never know. As for the picture, my son, Matt, a computer techie, is cringing at my photo shop attempts. Ha! I think at some point Ellen will agree. Right?
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Well it looks perfectly hilarious to me…(this is coming from someone who has no experience with photoshop in life ! 😛 )
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You have to Google how to do it. It’s ridiculously easy if you’re not too worried about quality.
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You dream of being on Ellen’s show, but I got my name mentioned on your post! Brushes with greatness! PS: No need to apologize about being late accepting the award from me… looks like you’ve had funner things to do (is that a word? It should be).
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Funner is indeed a word. 🙂 Ahhh Ellen. Almost forgot about her. On. On. Am now deciding if it would be funner to take a hot bath or run in 8 degree, windy, soon to be rainy weather.
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