Shelley: I’m so short. Everyone else in our family is taller than me. I had to be adopted.
Spencer: Yes you were, Burning Sage.
Shelley: Burning Sage? What? Why?
Spencer: Sit down and listen well Burning Sage. A long long time ago, when you were a new born baby, we found you in a basket on our steps. We took you in. That night we burned sage seeking guidance. And that, little one, is how you came to be “Burning Sage.”
Spencer: Not now, Burning Sage, later. Now it’s time for “Best in Show” Spencer: Welcome everyone to the finals of “Best in Show.” Only two dogs left. The noble classic setter and a sorry excuse for a dog, miniature poodle. Note how both prance around with their heads, tails and noses up. It’s going to be down to the wire as both dogs are currently tied for first place. Get ready for the last challenge, the
For those viewers unfamiliar with the “Sit” challenge, the trainers issue the nonverbal command, “Sit” to their dogs. Judges time how long it takes the dogs to assume the sitting position. The suspense. Oh the suspense. The air is crackling. Wait. Wait a minute!!!! What’s this? The judges are standing waving their arms. Looks like there seems to be a delay. Not sure why.
Not a problem. We’ll leave this riveting competition to give you an update on Cricket; the game, no one but the English can understand.
The game where, no one, including the players, can figure out who plays for who, because everyone is dressed in white. The game that never ends until all the players die of boredom or go home for a spot of tea. Luckily for us, there’s action on the field. The pitcher sprints, windmills his arm, releases the hard as a rock ball at the batter.
The batter smacks that sucker high in the air. The batter runs with his bat towards another player, who, is also running with his bat. Why? Who knows. The outfielder attempts to catch the ball. Boy, is he ever going to regret leaving his glove at home. It’s going to hurt.
The rest of the outfield is not concerned. In fact, they are hunting for potatoes because they are still hungry from the potato famine. The players who are carrying the bats seem confused as they run 30 feet, turn around and run back to where they started. They are doing this again and again and again and again.
Might as well return to “Best in Show” as it looks like this could go on for days, weeks, years.
Oh no. There’s a problem. The setter is refusing to sit. That’s going to cost him the championship. I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s a travergisty!
Everyone: A what?
Everyone: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jenny, my sister-in-law: Do you mean travesty?
Jenny: Watch out everyone, Spencer’s speaking Spenglish.
Spencer: I can’t help it. When I go into meetings I warn everyone that I talk really fast and make up words like “Contravsity.”
Spencer: And “Tomorning.”
Jenny: Tomorrow morning.
Spencer: And “Conchierge.”
Everyone: Do people have problems understanding you?
Spencer: Yes. But I bet everyone understands this.