“Would you like to buy some Mexican junk?”
“Maybe something for a neighbour you don’t like?”
“How about something you like but definitely don’t need?”
Shelley: Hi Dr. Veronica.
Dr. Veronica, our Algodones Dentist: Hello.
Shelley: Do you remember me?
Veronica: You? No. Him, yes.
Shelley: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Honey, look at that, Veronica’s flirting with you. Seriously, you must remember me, yes?
Veronica: No.
Shelley: I sure hope you’re kidding because I’m already super stressed over today’s appointment. You do know why I’m here, right?
Dr. Veronica: Let me take a look.. Ah yes, you have an appointment for two crowns at 11:00 .
Shelley: Whew. Exactly.
Dr. Veronica: John, let’s go outside to compare the colour of your teeth with the chart. Shelley, Dr. Jesus will take care of you.
Dr. Jesus: Please follow me.
Shelley: What? No.
Dr. Veronica: No?
Shelley: No.
Dr. Veronica: Why?
Shelley: Why? Why? Because I’ve spent the last four years slowly, but surely, building my trust in you. I can’t possibly start all over with Dr. Jesus. He doesn’t know how I was traumatized in Thailand because the dentist didn’t freeze my mouth while replacing my filling. Ak. Ak. Ak.
Or how, whenever we found a new dentist, I made my kids go first to see if they cried. Yes, I was that kind of mother.
Or how every time I heard the drill I’d sweat as my heart raced.
Or when I smelled ground teeth dust, I’d have to fight the urge to vomit.
You, Dr. Veronica are my dentist.
Dr. Veronica: Now Dr. Jesus is also your dentist.
Shelley: But he doesn’t know my signals:
One finger raised: Please pause.
One hand raised: Stop.
Two hands raised: Get me a bucket, I’m going to be sick.
Two hands grabbing your hand: I can’t swallow. I’m choking. I can’t breathe. I’m dying.
Dr. Jesus: I understand.
Shelley: But you don’t understand how my jaw locks, how you need to stop whatever you’re doing so I can unlock my jaw.
Dr. Jesus: Not a problem.
Shelley: I don’t know anything about you, Dr. Jesus.
Dr. Veronica: Dr. Jesus is my partner.
Shelley: John’s my partner too but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let him install a crown, never mind two crowns. Besides I don’t see Dr. Jesus’s qualifications anywhere. What are his qualifications? Where did he train? How long has he been practicing?
Dr. Veronica: Dr. Jesus obtained a Doctor of Dental Surgery from the USA. He has practiced for ten years. You’re going to be fine.
Shelley: Has he ever worked on crowns before?
Dr. Veronica: He has. Look. I’ll make you a deal. Dr. Jesus begins working on your crowns. When I finish with John I’ll take over. How’s that sound?
Shelley: I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m so sorry for making a fuss. I really am. It’s just that…. It’s just that… Going to the dentist freaks me out… Ahhhh. What am I saying? I need to have these crowns. These old fillings may fall out at any moment. Let’s do this.
One more thing. Can you guarantee me that you’re not going to be stingy with the medication when you freeze my mouth? Actually, I won’t object if you want to put me right out. I’ve heard of dentists who do that. You must have something that could do the job.
Dr. Veronica: I remember you now. Dr. Jesus, she’s all yours.
Shelley and John, your volunteer reporters for “The Comox Valley Echo’s” signing off. Next week we’re off to jolly old England.
Honey Did you See That? 
I feel your pain honey!!!!! I’d almost rather have a baby than a crown…..almost!! 🐝
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Arghhhhmmmphhhhhhh were my only sounds as he started drilling. Gak. Gak. Gak.
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Oh… i am the absolute worst about dentist phobia. Blame it on child hood trauma. Ugh… Give me that 30 ft tall bottle of tequila and i might make it. Glad you made it out alive, Shelley! Hugs 😀
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Exactly. We have been traumatized as children, adults. He would have been better off if he had given me some of that tequila. One more trip for the permanent crowns… Ugh.
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OH MY GOSH!!! We’re twins who were separated at birth. I have the absolute worst dental anxiety. I need to go so bad right now, but I just can’t seeing that my favorite dentist died. UGH. Then at my last appointment (YEARS ago) someone called Dr. Brittney saw me and I swear she was twelve and I just couldn’t handle it even though I’m sure she was capable and all that. It didn’t help that another dentist in the practice was tried and charged with murdering his wife and burying her in the backyard. OMG!!!! Hope things work out with Dr. Jesus — I like that name better than Brittney!!
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Maybe we should start a club?? Just reading your comments has given me the sweats. One more trip to put in the permanent crowns. I have an idea, you could set up four appointments and mommy goes last. Not something I’m proud of, but it works. 🙂
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You crack me up! Did he pull out the game of Operation? I’d have been concerned if that was the case!
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Who knows? The side of my mouth was so numb, I couldn’t feel anything. However, the sounds and smell caused by him grinding away at my teeth…. One moment. I’m off to be sick!
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As a humor writer you have come a long way, Shelley. Are you sure you didn’t steal this from Lewis Grizzard or Dave Barry? I’m still laughing.
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Hey Ted! What a lovely compliment. Sadly, I could publish a book on my dental visits! 🙂
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This was simply hilarious, Shelley! I laughed the whole way through…except I kept thinking “they go to Mexico to go to the dentist”????? Seriously, I guess I should get out more. If you went to the dentist in Thailand, I guess you have what it takes. I guess it’s because of the lower cost? Is this what we have to look forward to in retirement? I am not dentist paranoid, but also DO hate the drilling and grinding, even if I can’t feel it. 😦
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Hey Linda. Algodones is a dentist hot spot! Our first trip there, we walked into dental offices and interviewed the Americans and Canadians who were in the waiting room. Based on what they said, we made our decision. This trip we listened to a couple drop by to say “Hello” to Dr. Veronica. They were one of her first customers 20 year ago. Not sure about Dr. Jesus. Something to think about – A gold crown in the Valley cost us $900. My porcelain crowns will cost $200 each. If I had my time back, I would have taken care of every marginal tooth before we retired as out dental insurance covered crowns. Maybe might want to check out your dental plans?? The smell of the grinding.. blech!
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Hmm, definitely something to think about for retirement! We have full health insurance now from my employer, but we couldn’t find a decent dentist here who accepted our not-so-great corporate dental insurance so we pay our own way now. That said, we haven’t had anything but cleanings and x-rays in a few years. If we need them, Algodones may be the answer!
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Hell, I reckon I could get up to plenty of things in Mexico, some good, some bad, which of course would all be a matter of perspective – but no way would I go to Dr Jesus – that’s for sure! 😉
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I’m thinking that you may or may not have some bad experiences with dentists too??
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Oh nice one Shelley, and here I was thinking you were my friend…It will be nightmares tonight as a 7-year old boy relives the horror of a visit to the dentist, his first! 😉
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Am betting that they didn’t knock you out either. Insert shudder here!
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Great, now the sound of my mom grinding us siblings about brushing our teeth everyday sounds so sweet ! lol
A hilarious account of your dentist visit Shelley. But no matter how much fun you put in there. still not gonna visit dentist….EVER !!! 😀
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Ahhhhh grinding. Am gagging on the word. The problem is that my fillings have started to fall out. Yes I am that old! 🙂
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So, did you bite the poor dentist? Show out? Sedation dentistry is a huge deal where I life. I think they make a fortune off those that choose that route.
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No biting and only grabbed his hand once. I swear he rolled his eyes at me when he thought I had my eyes closed! Should have bought the tequila and then went. Would have saved so much time! 🙂
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Oh, ouch! Hope you were able to cope, the bottle of medicinal fluid with the dead worm inside would maybe help ease the pain. Dr. Jesus, what a great name and you could put your trust in Him, right? ha ha!
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Hey! Thanks for dropping by. I went back to get a picture of Dr. Jesus but he left for his lunch. I had to put my trust in him, his wife was sorting out John. Ak. Ak. Ak.
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Here’s wishing you and yours a terrific Thanksgiving if you two celebrate it!
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Back at you. We celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving a month ago as Canada’s winter arrives very very early. Leaving England today for Kuwait. Will try to catch up on New York at the airport.
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Ah (as in open wide), the signals. It’s so important to have them established, like with one’s dominatrix.
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Yes a dominatrix was exactly what I was thinking. 🙂
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