The Sales Whisperer

Bonnie: Welcome to Luz Bridal Boutique. (Click here to view link) How can I help you?

Shelley: I’m looking for a “Mother of the Groom” dress.

Bonnie: Do you have an idea of what it would look like?

Shelley:  Sort of.  Classy, but not too matronly. Not floor length. Not a mini length. Solid colours. Spring colours. Obviously not black or white. No heavy material. Maybe chiffon or silk. Not one shoulder. Not a halter. No sleeves. And definitely, not strapless. I’m still not over what happened to me years ago when John and I attended an Officer’s Ball with our friends, Dave and Lorraine. It was just after we rode a Simulator, (Standing up) when I looked down and lo and behold, the neckline of my dress way way lower than it was supposed to be.Talk about embarrassing. Anyhoooo that’s about it.

Bonnie: Why don’t you take a look through these racks?

Shelley: Oooohhhh this one’s lovely. Huh! Shannon (My sister), look at the price. $220.

Bonnie: That’s the average price for the type of dress you’re looking for. Maybe you would like to start with the sale’s rack. They’re not damaged, just discontinued.

Shelley: Thank you. $40. Now we’re talking. Hey! What do you know? This is the same dress I picked out in Courtenay, except for the colour. That’s kind of disappointing. I thought we would spend the day together shopping.

Shannon: Are you kidding? I hate shopping. This is great. First Bridal store. First dress. I must have done something right in my previous life.

Shelley: Ha! Ha! Maybe I should try on more than this one though, just to make sure. Ooohhhh! Isn’t that too cute?

Shannon: (Sits down.)

Bonnie: Let me hang them up for you.

Shelley: Thank you. Too bad I didn’t bring my new sandals.

Bonnie: We have sandals.

Shelley: Thank you. Hmmm…. I’m not sold on this one. The colour doesn’t suit me.

 

Bonnie: What colour would you like? We can order one for you. But it might take a few weeks.

Shelley: Better not risk it. Let’s try this little pink number. What about this one?

Shannon: The colour’s great. But there’s something wrong with the material. It doesn’t lay flat.

Shelley: You’re right. And check out the bust. I look like I’m wearing Madonna’s cone bra.

Shelley and Shannon: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Bonnie: Our seamstress can take care of that. She’s very talented.

Shelley: So, that’s a maybe. Let’s try another one. I love the full skirt on this and the colour. But it’s strapless.

Bonnie: Our seamstress can add straps.

Shelley: Definitely will think about that one too. YIKES!!!! It’s not on sale. How about the lilac one? Hmmm…. Not sure of the neckline.

Bonnie: What kind of neck line would you like? Sweetheart? Bateau? Queen Ann? You name it. Our seamstress can sew it.

Shelley: I don’t really know what all that means. Let’s move on to the peach one.

Bonnie and Shannon: Great colour. Very classy for the Mother of the Groom.

Shelley: Which is important, as I am a very very classy mother. But it’s too big here. Maybe too long. And wayyy too low. The straps need shortening. Too bad, I really like this one.

Bonnie: Not a problem for our seamstress. She calls herself

“The Dress Whisperer.”

Shelley: Wow! She must be good. You know what, Bonnie? You’re good too. Real good. But let’s see how good you really are. What I really need is more of these to make those dresses fit perfectly. Can you give me more, Bonnie?

Shelley: Damn, Bonnie, you’re not good, you’re awesome. What the Hell, at $40 each, I’ll take two dresses and two sets of those puppies. One last thing, any song suggestions for the mother son dance?

Shelley and John

Chariots of Fire

Shelley: So, your family’s all good. You’ve just eaten bangers and mash. And England’s sunny. I don’t believe it. Swear on it.

John: I swear. Hey I forgot to ask, how’d your 2013 Oceanside 10K run go?

Shelley: I’ll skip to the last ten meters and give you a play by play, as If Matthew (our son) filmed it.

(Cue music. Obviously “Chariots of Fire.” to set the mood. Please begin humming it now.  Slow motion)

TEN METERS! Shelley appears in the frame, determined to beat her previous week’s 8K pace and fifth place finish in her age group.

(The crowd goes wild)

“ARRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!YAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! GO GIRL!!!!!!!”  

NINE METERS! Shelley is buoyed by the crowd.

EIGHT METERS! Shelley’s heart rate, her breathing accelerate. 

SEVEN METERS! Shelley’s arms pump furiously. 

SIX METERS! Shelley’s legs piston.

FIVE METERS! Shelley imperiously ignores the stitch ripping through her right side. 

FOUR METERS! Shelley’s on fire.

(The crowd reaches ballistic levels.)

“GO GIRL! GO GIRL!! GO GIRL!!! GOOOOOOOOO!!!!”  

THREE METERS! Shelley responds by reaching even deeper. Impossibly, she kicks it up another level. 

TWO METERS! Shelley’s eyes are on the prize.

ONE METER! Shelley leans in.

HALF A METER! Shelley throws her arms in the air. 

ONE QUARTER OF A METER! Shelley is passed by a twelve year old girl. A twelve year old girl.

(Camera zooms in for extreme closeup. Shelley’s face says it all.)

John: Oh no!

Shelley: Oh yes!  Kids these days, eh? No respect. Oh well. I successfully defended my title. You are talking to the fastest fifty to fifty-four year old female, out of a whopping field of seven! 

Shelley and John

Blink Murder

Last weekend, my Vancouver Island family gathered in Comox Valley to celebrate Mother’s Day and my dad’s Birthday

During the evenings we played Wink Murder. It’s a simple game. Really.

Shelley: Here’s how you play. I deal everyone one card. Everyone looks at their card. Whoever has the Ace of Hearts, you are the Murderer. As the Murderer,  you have to to kill everyone by winking at them. If someone catches you, the game’s over. But, if someone guesses incorrectly, he or she is out of the game, and the game continues. If you are murdered, wait a little, so you don’t give the Murderer away. Got it?

Everyone: Got it.

My nephew, Tyler: This is going to be awesome. Dan can’t wink. Show everyone how you wink Dan.

Everyone: He has to turn his head sideways and blink???? Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley:… OK… Here we go… Everyone look at your cards…  

Tyler: Dan! What are you doing?

Dan: I’m swaying my head, so no one can catch my eye and kill me.

Tyler: But if no one can kill you, that means you’re not the killer.

Everyone: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: Let’s try again… … OK… Here we go… Everyone look at your cards…

Tyler: Dan! What are you doing now?

Dan: Shutting my eyes so…

Everyone: No one can kill you!!

John: Oh my God!!! This is not brain surgery. Shelley, change games. Please.

Dan: No! I love this game.

John: How can you love it? You don’t understand how to play it.

Dan: I do now. Honest. Go ahead. Deal.

Sister Shannon:… OK… Here we go… Everyone look at your cards…

Dan: WAIT!!!!

(Everyone looks at Dan)

Dan: (Rapid fire Blink. John dies. Blink. Tyler dies. Blink. Shelley dies, Bl… )

My brother, Shenley: It’s Dan. 

Dan: Ahhhhh!!! Dad, how’d you catch me?

Shenley: It wasn’t that difficult. You yelled, “Wait!!!!” Everyone looked at you. And you started killing.

Dan: Yes, but I killed three people before you caught me. Pretty good strategy for a first time Murderer, huh? Heh! Heh! Heh!  I’m really good at this. Let’s play again.

Mom: And here we go… Everyone look at your cards…

Dan: Logan’s the Murderer.

Logan: But…

Everyone: Wow! How did you guess Logan so quickly?

Dan: Well, at first I thought I was the Murderer, so I winked at Logan. I was pretty shocked when he winked back. So, I thought, “Better look at my card again.” When I looked, I realized that I had the Jack of Hearts, 

not the Queen of Hearts, which meant that I definitely wasn’t the Murderer, which meant Logan had the Queen of Hearts, which meant he was the Murderer. That’s when I said,

“Logan’s the Murderer.”

John: Oh Jesus Christ! Dan, it’s the Ace of Hearts not the Queen of Hearts.

Dan: We don’t change the Murder Card after every deal?

Everyone: No!!

Logan: Also, I’m pretty sure that when I winked at you, you should have died, not said,

“Logan’s the Murderer.”

Everyone: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Dan:… Again?

Shelley and John

Menopausal Morphing

My Doctor. Ha! Ha! I wish.                                                (www.hollywoodreporter.com)

Doctor: How are you feeling? Any problems?

Shelley: No. All good. I’m just here to have my HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) prescription renewed.

Doctor: You’ve been taking HRT for 5 years?

Shelley: Yes. Thank God. Better living through pharmaceuticals. Right?

Doctor: Hmmmm….. Let me just look at my notes. Your estrogen dosage is actually quite low. And… you still have your uterus, correct?

Shelley: Last time I checked. Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Doctor:…

Shelley: Sorry. 

Doctor: Which is why I prescribed progesterone… Which also means it’s time for…

“THE TALK.”

Shelley: “THE TALK?”

Doctor: Yes. “THE TALK.” As you know, for the last 5 years, your body has been going through the stages of menopause or “Menopausal Morphing.” Therefore, as a prudent doctor, I must advise you to stop taking HRT.

Shelley: (Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! He’s kidding.) 

Doctor: I’m not kidding.

Shelley: ( Noooooooo!!!!!!!! I need HRT. Otherwise I won’t be able to sleep because I worry about everything. EVERYTHING! Like if my nails will be long enough for the wedding, or if I’ll find a back up dress in time, or if John and I will have our little speech ready for the reception or if we’ll find a mother-son song to dance to in time… And…

HOT FLASHES!!!

Jesus! I still have small ones. But without HRT I’ll be a dripping hot mess. A puddle of sweat. Oh God! I’m having one right now and I’m on the DRUGS!!! No! No! No! No! Noooo!!!)

Doctor: I’m sorry to say that it’s also possible that you will experience a reduced sex drive.

Shelley: (Can’t wait to see the look on John’s face when I tell him that.) 

Doctor: But if you continue to take HRT, you will increase your risk of breast cancer, blood clots, heart disease and stroke.

Shelley: (Holy Shitzu! He’s not serious. Is he?) 

Doctor: I’m dead serious. If you agree to do this, we would slowly reduce your intake so your body adapts. It won’t even know.

Shelley: (Trust me. It will know.)

 

Doctor: If you decide you can’t function without HRT, I’ll renew your prescription, but only with the understanding that you continue to exercise regularly, eat healthy, not gain weight. And of course, not take up smoking. Think about it. OK?

Shelley: (No) OK.

Doctor: Now that we’ve had “THE TALK” let’s move on to…

Salmon fishing.

I’m going to give you a name of a lure that is guaranteed to catch one, the white bucktail fly. Now this little guy….

Shelley and John

Daily Prompt: Morphing

Hush Little Baby

While staying at Andrew (my son’s) and Ash’s in Vancouver, the discussion eventually rolled around to their upcoming wedding celebration…

Ash: So, after Andrew and I finish the first dance, my dad and I’ll dance to the Winnie the Pooh song, “Return to Pooh Corner.” He used to play his guitar and sing it to me as I fell asleep.

Shelley: Awwwww…… That is seriously sweet.

Andrew: Mom, we have to choose a song for our mother-son dance.

Shelley: Oh.

Andrew: What song should we pick?

Shelley:…

Andrew: Mom?

Shelley: I’m trying to think of a song I used to sing to you, while playing my guitar.

John: Shelley, you never played the guitar.

Shelley: But I wanted to. That should count.

Everyone: Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Shelley: Hmmmmm…..  I can’t think of any particular one. There were sooo many…  Hmmmm…… Help me John.

John: Honey, I don’t think you had a song. And Andrew, the way your mom sings, you should be grateful.

Shelley: Ha! Jesus. I must have sang him something.

Ash: It doesn’t have to be something you sang to Andrew, it can be a song you both like.

Andrew: It’s OK mom. How about Vindaloo? We both loved that song. (Plays it) Ash, what do you think?

Ashly: What is that?

John: An English Football song.

Andrew, Shelley, John: 

Na na na (na na) Na na na (na na)
Na na na (na na) na na na na
We’re England!
We’re gonna score one more than you
ENGLANDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!

Ash: (Screws up her face.)

Andrew: Didn’t think so.

Shelley: I’ve got it. (Sings) Itsy bitsy spider went up the garden spout. Along came the rain and…

Andrew: I don’t think we can dance to that.

Shelley: Maybe something by Rod Stewart... or… I’ve got it. Great Big Sea. They’re from Newfoundland and Andrew was born in Newfoundland. It’s perfect. Right, Andrew?

Andrew: Perfect.

Shelley: But still, a soft lullaby song like Ash and Brian’s have would be much better…. Ah! Ha!... (Sings) Hush little baby don’t you cryyyy. Mama’s going…

Andrew: And this song is…?

Shelley: The song I used to sing to you when you were a baby. (Sings) Mama’s going to buy you a mocking bird. And if that…

Andrew: Can’t say I remember that song.

Shelley: That’s because you were too young. Many was the night I would softly sing to you while I rocked you in your cradle. Ahhhh…  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, it does. Does it bring tears to your eyes, John?

John: I’ve been blinded. However, as you never ever sang that song to Andrew, and he didn’t have a cradle, the effect is somewhat…

Shelley: Oh! What am I saying? I meant when I rocked him in my arms… (Sings) And if that mocking bird don’t sing, mama’s going to… Andrew, what do you think?

1 day old

Andrew:…

Shelley: Andrew?

Andrew: What? Oh sorry. I was sleeping.

Shelley: Just like when he was a baby. Write it down Ash.

The power of song… and for John, beer.

Shelley and John

The Voice

Three Nights knock out begin Monday 13/05

Live rounds begin Monday 13/05

Shelley: John, do you think you might have ADD? 

John: Not at all dear. It’s called Multi-tasking.

Shelley and John

Hello, My Name is Honey and I’m a Blogging Addict

Honey: Hello. My name is Honey and I’m a Blogging Addict.

Blogging Anonymous Members: Hello Honey.

Honey: A year and a half ago, I didn’t even know what a blog was until my daughter-in-law, Ashly,

who pens her own blog, click ashly & monkey in Vancouver, BC, to view suggested that I write about John’s and my Snowbirding experiences. (heading to the southern US States for the winter) And now, not a second goes by without me wondering if something is blog worthy.

I still remember one of my first posts, How to Successfully Back up a Fifth Wheel, as if it was yesterday. I shared it on Facebook. A handful of relatives and friends actually read it.  A few even clicked, “Like.” One person commented, “You two are hilarious.” I believed her with all of my heart. The saying ”One is too many and a thousand is not enough” is so true.

I. WAS. HOOKED.

Despite many of my friends, and all 16 followers, (8 who were Russian, I kid you not)

Possibly these Russians

regularly dropping in on “Honey,” I wanted more.

And that’s when I joined WordPress.

tapsuccess.com

WordPress provided blogging tutorials from choices of themes, to tips on improving your writing and photography skills. They explained how to use categories and tags. They encouraged bloggers to take part in daily and weekly writing and photography prompts. They suggested strategies to drive traffic to your blog and where to check stats. That’s right, the most addictive activity of all,

CHECKING STATS!!!

I could be in the middle of eating, socializing, taking pictures of cherry blossoms…

It didn’t matter what I was doing, I had to know how many hits I had. I was unable to concentrate on anything else.

ANYTHING!!!!

I wasn’t the same happy, carefree Honey of before. My loving, patient husband suggested I take a little break, focus on something else, like refereeing or Habitat. 

I tried. I really really did. But no matter how much I despised myself for being weak, I couldn’t stop. My life was out of control.

I’m not sure exactly when I hit rock bottom. If it was when I became insanely jealous of other bloggers’ successes: their number of hits, likes, comments, followers, and awards. Or when I wrote a post,  “Uh-Oh Moments.” accusing John, not me, of being addicted to the computer.  Or when I blamed Ashly, WordPress, anyone but myself for my addiction. I just don’t know. I do know that I need help. And that is why I stand here before you today.

My name is Honey and I am a Blogging Addict.

Shelley and John

When my blogging buddy, Arjun, wrote a similar themed post, Dedicated to Bad Writing last week, it prompted me to complete this old draft.